Husband NOT helping himself at alland doctors have toldhim if he is active he can have a longer life (emphysema with many flare ups).I know we are all fortunate he is mobile enough to bathe, toilet, come to table to eat but will say he is too tired and wants to eat in bed and I say no.Last year when he was better and going thru a very angry period (I keep telling him we are more fortunate than others and have great medical.I did the math and was going to divorce and walk out the door. Sadly I did not. I realize selfish but I have had it.Kids and grands (his-we've been married 30+ years) will probably hate me but I want peace of mind and emotional health.
His constant grumbles are he's cold and a window is open, hungry now and cooking taking too long and always having me fetch & serve...
Due to his failing health this is now more of a vent but I think of divorce everyday.His bad behavior is maybe 1/3rd of the time and I don't understand when I take such good care of him.Thanks for this forum.
Don't offer to bring him food, tell him come and get it. He will get up to eat if he's hungry enough. You have probably spoiled him for years.
I'd see a lawyer and get the assets divided now, since he will end up in a care facility if you divorce. Life is too short to let anyone make you feel like that.
I was a gatekeeper for a functional/dysfunctional paranoid schizophrenic for seven years. I allowed this man to make my life a living hell. Yes, I did divorce him. I have worked with clients with dementia who were much saner. No jokes here.
One thing I can say about mental health and people suffering from organic brain disorders that there are sometimes similarities and patterns in behaviors. I have witnessed this with alcoholics, persons with bipolar disorder and folks with dementia. All of these disorders have the propensity that can lead to violent behavior.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You will end up singed to ashes and the person you are trying to save will run to the nearest exit leaving you to burn. Of course they don't mean to harm you. Get my sarcasm?
I would leave, at least, for a long weekend. If he is capable of doing for himself, then no worries there. Leave him things he can fix for himself. He should have no problem with breakfast and lunch. Dinner, some microwave stuff or a list of places for take out. Tell his kids you need a break. Leave it up to them to check in on him. Tell them your tired of being his slave. Go No Contact.
When your ready to go, tell him you really need to get away from him. He is so needy and unappreciative of what you do for him. You need time to yourself to see if you really want to stay married to him. Yes, you are thinking Divorce. So while your away, he needs to think about how he treats you. Yes, he has an illness but it does not give him the right to treat you the way he does.
My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. They were in their late 70s when she asked him when was she going to be able to retire. He had been on disability for 25 yrs. He told her never. I walked in with her so red in the face I thought she would have a stroke. When she settled down she said..."No one tells you when you take those vows, that when they grow old so do you and your tired of taking their s**t."
The longer you wait the more difficult the decision will be.
As to his family hating you? Of course they will. Why would they not. You don't love him anymore. You will be shed of him AND his family and on to living your life.
This will not get easier as his time gets shorter. Not being able to take a deep breath doesn't do much for our outlook and personality. Being nagged about it all just adds to the problem.
If it is over accept that. Consider getting some counseling so you can plan your path forward WHATEVER your choices are. A decades long pity-party in which you are miserable will not make either YOU or HIM happy.
Consider speaking with his family and letting them know that to your mind the marriage is over, and you are thinking now to move on with a life of your own. You should let him know as well, of course. This isn't about anger. This is about being now no longer a wife, but a caregiver.
You have tough choices to make here. You can be the only one to make them for yourself. I am so very sorry. I hope there was once a good life with some nice memories. But if they are over and done, then there is really nothing to "FIX" that.
A person can love their spouse and still be divorced from them. I was. If living in the home with the person is intolerable, one of you has to go.
You're not being selfish at all. Go to a divorce lawyer and maybe get a legal separation. This way you may retain the legal and financial benefits of being married, but you don't live together and you will be free to have some peace and joy in your life.
So what if the kids and grandkids will hate you for it. There's no reason for them to. If they do, then really they don't have much love or respect for you and probably never did. Or you could give them the choice of one of them being at your house every day of the week to help out with their father's care needs. If they aren't offering to help with their father, they should say nothing about whatever choice you make.
You don't have to be a servant and be treated badly. If you don't want to be married to him anymore you don't have to be. No guilt. No regrets.
Is it possible to hire help , possibly a male companion ?
This may help him and gives you a break . You could go out by yourself and meet up with friends for lunch etc .
Divorce has many financial and family ramifications that last for many years – even permanently. Only opt for that if you really want a permanent break.