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Husband NOT helping himself at alland doctors have toldhim if he is active he can have a longer life (emphysema with many flare ups).I know we are all fortunate he is mobile enough to bathe, toilet, come to table to eat but will say he is too tired and wants to eat in bed and I say no.Last year when he was better and going thru a very angry period (I keep telling him we are more fortunate than others and have great medical.I did the math and was going to divorce and walk out the door. Sadly I did not. I realize selfish but I have had it.Kids and grands (his-we've been married 30+ years) will probably hate me but I want peace of mind and emotional health.
His constant grumbles are he's cold and a window is open, hungry now and cooking taking too long and always having me fetch & serve...
Due to his failing health this is now more of a vent but I think of divorce everyday.His bad behavior is maybe 1/3rd of the time and I don't understand when I take such good care of him.Thanks for this forum.

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Thank you everyone!
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I divorced the first one in my 40s for similar reasons. Nothing I did was good enough! I got tired of the complaining, being a unpaid maid and cook. Did all the work and no appreciation. All while working full time.

Don't offer to bring him food, tell him come and get it. He will get up to eat if he's hungry enough. You have probably spoiled him for years.

I'd see a lawyer and get the assets divided now, since he will end up in a care facility if you divorce. Life is too short to let anyone make you feel like that.
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I will tell you like I tell all of my caregiving friends, if you are done, get out.

I was a gatekeeper for a functional/dysfunctional paranoid schizophrenic for seven years. I allowed this man to make my life a living hell. Yes, I did divorce him. I have worked with clients with dementia who were much saner. No jokes here.

One thing I can say about mental health and people suffering from organic brain disorders that there are sometimes similarities and patterns in behaviors. I have witnessed this with alcoholics, persons with bipolar disorder and folks with dementia. All of these disorders have the propensity that can lead to violent behavior.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You will end up singed to ashes and the person you are trying to save will run to the nearest exit leaving you to burn. Of course they don't mean to harm you. Get my sarcasm?
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BurntCaregiver Apr 9, 2025
Amen to that, Scampie. The person you're trying to save will run to the nearest exit. Or they will simply move on then latch themselves onto the next kind-hearted, vulnerable person and use them up too. Rinse and repeat.
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Yes, kids and grands might think you are selfish, but actually you need to save yourself or you are no good to anyone, and you will end up with your own serious health issues if you continue this way. I like the ideas presented so far of you going away for little while to get yourself together and to demonstrate to your husband and his children how much you do for him. But you absolutely must be honest with him about why you are going and that you've been thinking about divorce. He is angry about his situation, but it seems he is not far enough gone yet that he can work on changing his attitude. He will get worse physically, so a change for the worse in his mental state will follow and be very much worse for you. Something should snap him out of it now for his and your sake. So, yes, leave for a week or two and see if that puts new behavior in place.
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Yes, we have had members divorce their husbands. One had it all planned out. She divorced him but before that, had him set up to go into care. I think one may have just walked away. In sickness and in health does not mean you put up with abuse.

I would leave, at least, for a long weekend. If he is capable of doing for himself, then no worries there. Leave him things he can fix for himself. He should have no problem with breakfast and lunch. Dinner, some microwave stuff or a list of places for take out. Tell his kids you need a break. Leave it up to them to check in on him. Tell them your tired of being his slave. Go No Contact.

When your ready to go, tell him you really need to get away from him. He is so needy and unappreciative of what you do for him. You need time to yourself to see if you really want to stay married to him. Yes, you are thinking Divorce. So while your away, he needs to think about how he treats you. Yes, he has an illness but it does not give him the right to treat you the way he does.

My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. They were in their late 70s when she asked him when was she going to be able to retire. He had been on disability for 25 yrs. He told her never. I walked in with her so red in the face I thought she would have a stroke. When she settled down she said..."No one tells you when you take those vows, that when they grow old so do you and your tired of taking their s**t."
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It is my opinion from all you say that this marriage is over. You are there out of guilt? Or for what other reason?
The longer you wait the more difficult the decision will be.
As to his family hating you? Of course they will. Why would they not. You don't love him anymore. You will be shed of him AND his family and on to living your life.
This will not get easier as his time gets shorter. Not being able to take a deep breath doesn't do much for our outlook and personality. Being nagged about it all just adds to the problem.

If it is over accept that. Consider getting some counseling so you can plan your path forward WHATEVER your choices are. A decades long pity-party in which you are miserable will not make either YOU or HIM happy.

Consider speaking with his family and letting them know that to your mind the marriage is over, and you are thinking now to move on with a life of your own. You should let him know as well, of course. This isn't about anger. This is about being now no longer a wife, but a caregiver.

You have tough choices to make here. You can be the only one to make them for yourself. I am so very sorry. I hope there was once a good life with some nice memories. But if they are over and done, then there is really nothing to "FIX" that.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 9, 2025
@Alva

A person can love their spouse and still be divorced from them. I was. If living in the home with the person is intolerable, one of you has to go.
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First of all, you DO NOT have to cater to his fussiness and demands. If he complains about the cooking taking too long that is when the cooking time doubles deliberately. You do things on YOUR time, not his. If he complains about the food do what I used to do with my mother when she would. Take the plate and out it in the trash. Then you're going hungry just like when you were a kid.

You're not being selfish at all. Go to a divorce lawyer and maybe get a legal separation. This way you may retain the legal and financial benefits of being married, but you don't live together and you will be free to have some peace and joy in your life.

So what if the kids and grandkids will hate you for it. There's no reason for them to. If they do, then really they don't have much love or respect for you and probably never did. Or you could give them the choice of one of them being at your house every day of the week to help out with their father's care needs. If they aren't offering to help with their father, they should say nothing about whatever choice you make.

You don't have to be a servant and be treated badly. If you don't want to be married to him anymore you don't have to be. No guilt. No regrets.
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Has he always been this way? Or is it just as his emphysema (COPD) has worsened? I'm asking because lack of oxygen to his brain can cause cognitive issues. This is called hypoxia. "COPD can lead to hypoxia (low oxygen levels in the blood), which can negatively impact brain function and potentially cause cognitive problems, including difficulties with attention, concentration, memory, and executive function. " Source: AI browser search Is he currently on oxygen at home? I would consider talking about this with his pulmonologist before you leave him to fend for himself for any length of time. Nonetheless you still need a break, so please consider asking one of his adult children to cover for you so you can do this for at least a week. It will do 2 things: refresh you and show his kids what your daily life is like so that if he goes into LTC they will not be upset by it. You can have him assessed by his doctor for LTC, which is covered by Medicaid if he qualifies financially as well. You should definitely consult with an elder law attorney to make sure you are his PoA (and one of his adult children is the back-up) and he has a Advance Healthcare Directive. Then you need to talk to an estate or Medicaid Planner for your home state to see what it will take to qualify. He can go into a good, reputable facility that accepts Medicaid on self-pay. When he runs out of his portion of his money then Medicaid can kick in.
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Time for a break for you. Go somewhere else for a couple of weeks and leave hubby on his own. It will help you both.
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He could be grouchy because he doesn’t feel well and/or perhaps is depressed , as he knows he’s declining . Has he been evaluated for depression ?

Is it possible to hire help , possibly a male companion ?
This may help him and gives you a break . You could go out by yourself and meet up with friends for lunch etc .
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It may not be necessary to go as far as divorce. Why don’t you just move out for a week? Leave him to get out of bed and find his own food.

Divorce has many financial and family ramifications that last for many years – even permanently. Only opt for that if you really want a permanent break.
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