Happy New Year all,
Long story short, I am one of three boys, however I am the one most involved in assisting my grandparents in a variety of ways (care,finances,translator,etc). They mean the world to me as they have been in my life since I could remember (I was born in 1989).
I keep playing with the idea that its noble to care for them but I still find myself asking the question "Is it my place to be so engaged?" and "Is this taking away from me living my own life to the fullest?"
Their only child, my mother, is not able to support her own self. She relies heavily on me, and at times, it becomes exhausting.
Apart from this forum, what have been some ways in which ya'll decompress and keep the train moving forward?
Thanks.
I am new to the forum and dealing with this very thing as well. It has taken over my whole life, to the point that I am becoming extremely depressed and feel as though I have no time for myself. I completely sympathize and understand how you are feeling. Both of my grandparent's children passed, one of them being my mother, which has resulted in me being left with sole caregiving responsibility, as very little help is given from her other two grandchildren.
I have found speaking with a counselor the most helpful for me, as well as reading through posts on this forum. For years, I have felt that as a grandchild, there was no one I could really relate to in this issue, as most caregivers are caring for their aging parents and are a bit older themselves and possibly retired. I am at the point in my life where I should be able to truly live it, but instead feel like I am drained, exhausted, and living life to please someone else. Please know you're not alone. I encourage you to continue reading through this forum. It helps to reinforce the truth that there are others like us, and we will get through it one day at a time.
I would also suggest visiting a lawyer that specializes in elder law to draw up wills, medical powers of attorney, financial powers of attorney, and any other needed legal documents to help with their care. You may need to do this for your parents as well. Ask get advice from the lawyer about what are your financial obligations to all these senior family members since caregiving can be costly in terms of time and money.
As for decompression or keeping from burning out, it is a matter of creating balance. You need to balance time caring for others with time caring for yourself. Make sure you get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 square meals, time without caretaking to socialize with friends and pursue your own hobbies/activities. Some find that building their spiritual life through prayer, reading the Bible and gathering (either in person or online) with people of faith (like a church group or Bible study group on Zoom of Facetime) helps build resilience,
Depending on how much care they each need.
Do both your mom and Grandma live in the same house as you or do the two of them live together?
How many hours a week do you spend with them?
If it's just a few hours during the week or weekend then you'll be fine.
If you're questioning it then maybe you don't want to be doing what you're doing.
Of course they will need more help the longer they live and you won't be able to do it all.
If you have the money, you can always hire help.
The least expensive would be to let them both live together in the same house and hire a Live in if that is what is needed.
Other than that, if they need more help that you aren't able to offer then they will have to be put in a Senior Home.
Once my mom passes my plan is to get grandma an attendant so I can leave the house a little more and to help her build some relationships with others, so that I can at least start having some weekend getaways again. I also plan to to start looking into assisted living and similar type living situations, so I am well-informed and ready when it is time. We are also considering building her a tiny living space in the backyard as a way of creating a little separation without being too far. I plan to move slowly, because nothing is going to happen with my mom in the condition she is in. We don’t have a lot of money, none of us , but I know it will work out.
Make time for fun, I’m sure your grandparents don’t want to take your life from you. Be gentle and firm about your decisions.
It does sound like your burnout comes more from your mother than from your grandparents. You didn't specify why she cannot support herself, but if it's a matter of financial assistance, maybe your siblings or the state could be a valuable resource. If it's more emotional, a book like Boundaries could help you with setting up boundaries with her in order to keep yourself sane (so to speak).
As far as "living your life to the fullest", what would that look like to you, and are there some ways to incorporate that vision into your current situation (especially if you can get help with Mom)? You might want to make a list of the things you feel you're missing out on and prioritize your needs and wants. It sometimes helps to see things on paper.
Be kind to yourself and do something for yourself every day, even if it's as simple as a walk in the neighborhood. You have my utmost respect for loving and caring for your family.
Leaving the caregiving up to others allows you to have the fullest life and build your best future. This will allow you to be there for your LOs in a reasonable way when they really can't help themselves, as aging and decline just gets more demanding and intense over time. If you need help please call social services to see if they qualify for any in-home help. You will not be able to "keep the train moving forward" without an inevitable train wreck, and you will be the casualty. Just read around on this forum under the topic Burnout. Finding alternatives for their care does NOT mean you don't love them. It means you are wise and realistic. They won't like it, but sometimes the medicine for the cure is very distasteful. May you have great wisdom in this situation and peace in your heart as you move YOUR train forward in YOUR life (hug)!