I keep reading about all of us only children who have been thrust into caretaking for their parents, and who now are looking at their own lives wondering who will be there for them when their time comes. That is where I am right now.
I am an only child, no other family, many of my life long friends have passed away or are in the process of doing so. And many have moved away to be closer to their own families. Even the last two I near me - both were recently diagnosed with uncurable cancer. Am thinking that even my husband won't be there for me since he is older, and doesn't take care of himself even in the smallest ways. So, who will be there for me like I was for my mother - to be my POA, to be my advocate, to go with me to various medical appointments to help understand things and make decisions. I know I could hire my attorney but that is such an impersonal and business relationship. And others who are in my area, can't seem to hook up with anyone who is a 'only' with no other family.
I am not sure how to go about connecting with others who might want to form new friendships with an eye to the future. Not that I expect anyone to 'take care of me' but rather, be there as a voice for me. Maybe a start a facebook group? Any other ideas or suggestions?
I think that we first need to figure out a way to stay in touch with each other and share our discoveries.
Feel free to message me here.
A Facebook group might be a good idea...
I hope that we get this moving.
Thanks Annabelle18.
My mother has been at 2 different AL facilities. She now resides in SN after some serious health issues. This current place is next door to her last AL. All these facilities provided free transportation for doctor visits.
If you have a very close friend who is younger than you then making them POA could be a consideration. Otherwise I would give POA to a trusted lawyer.
This site can prove to be a trusted source for questions and moral support. I think it would exceed any expectations from Facebook. If you continue here you will find those who give great insight.to many issues. I have found great solace from certain posters as well as basic information on the actual situation my mother is in. It is helpful if you keep posters who may have helped you with updates as you progress in life.
I also know I can hire an attorney or geriatric care manager - both are very expensive so it would be very limited. I.e., a geriatric care manager in our area is about $165/hour, which also is applied to travel time and waiting time and sitting time (for example if they go with you to a medical appointment.
Or, when mother was in hospital, and I was there there every day 12-16 hours a day, I was the one who stood up for her and asked for stronger pain meds; I was the one who made sure she had water in her cup and could reach it; etc etc....
The human touch....
A close friend whose husband suffered a severe stroke was told that if the husband could not on any given day ( his days varied greatly ) accept POA for his wife then guardianship would cost around $20,000 the court assumes that said individual is not ever of sound mind. Eventually after many conversations with his 2 daughters he accepted giving POA to his wife. She was incredibly devoted never missing a day during a 10 month period of stays in many facilities including at least 4 hospitals,rehabs and SN. He finally came home was accepted into the Medicaid system and now has a full-time aid as his wife still works. They live in a much smaller house now.
We trying to avoid talking about issues regarding care giving but sometimes it happens. Mostly we play games, watch anime or shows together, some even get together locally.
If interested send me a PM I will give ya a link.
I have 2 cousins who never had children for various reasons. When their old age approached, all they think about is who will be there for them when they need help? So one of them bought into a continuum of care place in the Denver area; they have a 1200 sf brand new apartment now which they got to pick out the finishes for. When/if they need Assisted Living, the facility arranges for them to move into that level of care, or, to have caregivers come into their IL apartment to care for them there *if there is no room in AL at the time*. Same with nursing home or cancer care, should they require it. So they're relieved to know they will be taken care of until death, even if their funds run out; the facility contracts to care for them until death. If there are funds left over after death, they go back into the estate. It's expensive though; the buy in was in the neighborhood of $400K, plus they now pay $3200 (I think) a month for IL and would pay whatever the current rates are for AL, SNF and so on.
The other cousin is living with her husband in her large house and wringing her hands daily, stressing out & worrying about her 'old age' but not doing one single thing about planning for it. Meanwhile, her DH has more issues than Newsweek and needing more & more help daily which she's having a hard time giving him. I have no idea WHAT they'll wind up doing!
If you can't afford such a place as my cousins #1 moved into, then think about Assisted Living if you have the funds to self pay; care is offered there, along with socialization and companionship, activities, etc. No, there's nobody to 'advocate' for you, this is true.
On that end, you can hire a case manager as well. Check out what that's all about here:
https://step2health.com/blogs/news/what-is-case-management-and-why-is-it-important-to-seniors
And then there are caregivers you can hire to help you with other needs as well; non medical needs such as grocery shopping, driving to appointments, companionship, etc. If you were to combine hiring a caregiver for 20 hours a week, for instance, along with a case manager, then you might have the perfect situation for yourself in later years. You'd develop a relationship with each combining friendship with services you need.
Wishing you the best of luck finding an answer that works best for you.
one problem will the CCRC,s could be after you turn over the 400 thousand to them they declare bankruptcy. Be careful.
For someone alone it would be necessary to have a Fiduciary appointed to act when you are unable to do so. An elder law attorney is familiar with those serving in your area as they are appointed by the state when one comes under the guardianship of the state.
I think that the NextDoor idea is a good one. On our own the other day a woman posted saying she was OK with her local store now her hubby was gone, but missed trips out to Trader Joe. Anyone with any ideas. She got a ton of folks volunteering to take her when they went on a weekly basis.
In regards to who will be there for you in your declining years when you have no other family... if it's not an attorney or professional guardian, then it must be someone significantly younger than yourself, by about 20 or more years. You don't want an 80-yr old trying to manage their care plus yours, right? And there's nothing to say they won't pass before you. Do you belong to a faith community, like a church or synagogue? Maybe there is someone there you can develop a relationship with. A private individual as DPoA needs to be willing, trustworthy, local and compassionate.
My Brother-in-law and his wife are going through a similar issue: no kids of their own, their nephews already have their own parents to help in the future. I have 3 sons and BIL indicated he was going to ask one of them, even though all my sons lives several states away and have full-time jobs.
You can consider looking into a faith-based care community that has a continuum of care (from IL, AL, MC to LTC and hospice) and accepts Medicaid. Often they see their caregiving as a mission and their prices are not as high. My MIL is in such a place and it has been awesome for her. You can move yourself into such a place *before* you think you "need" it (so that you retain control of the decision) and then make an arrangement with the admin to assume guardianship for you at some future time when it is necessary) rather than the county becoming your guardian.
It is very important that you consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney and a Medicaid Planner early on since there is a lot to know in order to avoid legal and financial disasters.
I wish you much success in creating a care plan that gives you peace of mind!