I am one of four adult children of my 92 year old mom who now has dementia. I have lived with her for the past 19 years as has my brother, who is on social security for being disabled mentally. He is paranoid of everything, so therefore has never been able to work. I love my mother very much. She means the world to me and I have tried my very best , especially over the last 10 years, to care for her in the best way I know how. I take her out every morning to her favorite coffee place, I cook all her meals, take her to all of her doctor's appointments, take her on a summer vacation with her two dogs who she can't live without, clean the house, etc.etc.. My brother who lives here does next to nothing to help me. Once in a blue moon he takes out the trash cans and that is about it. He has become more and more angry and nasty and hates the world and it gets harder and harder to live with him. My other brother doesn't do anything to help me either. He gets mad over the slightest things, like my mom's dogs who he doesn't like, and then uses that as an excuse not to come over or do anything. My sister has done a little to help, but really not much at all. They all act like this is my total responsibility and that our mother is just mine when it comes to helping her. I have paid for many house repairs on my own over the last few years. The brother who lives with us pays very little to us each month and every month he has another excuse why he can't pay. It's hell trying to get the money from him. I'm so tired out and so sick of it!!
I guess my question is, how do I care for my mom and do my best when I am constantly upset by my crazy sibling who won't cooperate? How do I get past the anger that I am getting NO help from anyone? Does anyone else have a similar experience and how do you or how did you deal with it?? I know that I must accept that it is like I am an only child, but I really resent it.
One day I sat down with each of them, separately and talked about how mom was in the last years of her life and what kind of relationship did they want to have with her? How would THEY like to spend time with her? I was not asking for them to do chores or tasks.
My sister said she would like to visit once or twice a month on weekends. It turned out she did that. She stayed with mom and did hardly anything but sit and talk with her. She would cook and do a bit of food shopping and I have to say on those few weekends, I took OFF! I went off and did my own thing and enjoyed the time away. Although I spent NO time with my sister during her visits, she understood that I would be off and that was OK. At the end of the day, after my mom passed away my sister was very thankful that she had a few years of weekends once or twice a month to reconnect with mom.
When I talked it over with my brother, he only wanted to visit once or twice a year. It actually turned out to be three or four times a year in those last two years. In the end, he provided a lot of manpower cleaning her house and throwing things in dumpsters. He didn't want to go down memory lane and just wanted to get it over with and get on with living his own life.
He was kind of a good example for me. So, in the long run... I got no where when I demanded that they help. They just said hire someone! or put her in a home... when I helped them think about how they wanted to connect with their mom, and when I stepped away at their times with her, so they could have their own relationship with her... those were the times I felt they were most helpful to me.
Everyone has a different situation, but if you could try to look at it from the other persons perspective and find a way to appeal to their desire to connect with their mother, perhaps they will reach out to her directly and not through you.
I think in my case my brother and sister felt that I had the better relationship with mom, (she loved me best), and they also got lazy, because I was the first to jump at the work that needed to be done. While I got to help my mom in the way I wanted to, in order to be a good daughter to her, I needed to step away to let them get close... and trust me it took months before they actually started trying to reconnect with her.
Hoping this has been helpful to you and that you find what works best for your family.
I'm POA and substitute trustee to the parent's trust - something the older brothers don't care too much for and, as such, remind me constantly I am the contact person and POA - like that means they can't help? They expect me to maintain the calendar of all dr appointments for THEM so I can remind THEM when they have to be and where. So I'm their secretary too?
Dad lost his speech to Parkinsons but mind is sharp as a tack. He can manage their financial affairs just fine, I am just his voice, and since I'm the banker in the family I am much more familiar with their financial matters. Mom is just now showing signs of early dementia so a new journey will start with her soon enough.
Know that YOU are doing what you do out of love and your reward will come one day when you meet your loved one again after they have moved on. I do what I can do as often as I can do it and will continue to do so as long as I have them. Don't hold too much discontent for your siblings, it is their loss - they will wish they had spent the time with them when they have them no more.
You are doing an excellent job and whether they may not show it, they do appreciate all you do -
carla~
See All Answers