My 82 year old dad is in a group home. I stress myself out calling and going to see him, but the only time I hear from him is if he needs me to do something. I have 2 older sisters, but they are no help whatsoever so it falls to me and my husband. My dad can be very, very difficult to deal with. He expects us to be at his beck and call. We've told him time and time again we both work, have our own family and have our own health issues.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is just not some sweet old lady talking.
This behavior must stop because not even a slave deserves that. Hire a housekeeper to come in just for that, instruct the housekeeper in front of your mother to just pick up all the tissues, bottles, empty the trash, and this nice lady here will be paying you today. Then walk away. Be sure to explain to housekeeper that you will be adding a little bonus for hazard pay.
And Jessie,, what sort of trash is she throwing on the floor? nasty smelling stuff or just papery junk? Maybe I would let it lay for awhile ( and I am OCD so I know how hard this could be)... But if she wants to sit around in trash.. so be it. If she gets on your case about the mess,, remind her it's her mess...LOL and if she wants to live in filth you will be glad to relocate to her liveing area, bedroom,, wherever she wants. Since she is sooo attached to it and doesnt think it belongs in the trash can.
You should not feel guilty for wanting to have peace of mind and quality of life. You are not there for his every demand. The more you set boundaries the easier it becomes. Bravo that you cut out the Wednesday visit.
I am "on duty" all day, every day. If I get angry enough and blow up, he will be "nice" to me for a few hours. The other day he told me I "need to learn to shut up". This is absolutely not how I expected to spend my retirement. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome plus arthritis so bad in. Y shoulders I can't lift. Y arms above my shoulders. My husband weighs 350 pounds but I have to roll and pull him over, move his medical equipment and change his bed and diapers. I have a health aide once a week, but she is not there to clean up his diarrhea or deal with his verbal abuse.
I am seeing my PCP today, and I am going to ask her to provide the name of a counselor or I will lose it completely.
Know that you cannot be used unless you let yourself be. Dad is safe and cared for and you don't need to supervise him. There is staff for that. You have the opportunity that I don't. You have someone else to watch over Dad while you go on with your business of daily living. Distance yourself as you can from this. Keep in touch with his caregivers and don't worry so much! Good luck!
What can you do... sometimes I cry , walk away or answer back . It seems as if they lose any perspective on life but their own. Hope you can reduce your stress. I too dread calling him as it just unleashes more problems to deal with. Take rest when you can and step back.
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