Mother is unable to live alone but could do well in assisted living. She refuses to go. Therefore, they're both confined to a nursing home.
If so, do you have support? How does your spouse deal with you being in charge of your parents lives at this point? Is there animosity? Do you have family members supporting you? Do you share this responsibility and your feelings with your spouse, or are they not interested? Does the support of family members come between you and your spouse? Starting to feel all these effects and need to know how to deal.
Otherwise - extricate yourself from the middle, tell you family to talk to mom about it not you.
At first I tried to visit multiple times a week, but that wasn't sustainable. I was neglecting all other areas of my life and was miserable.
Are you feeling pressure from family members because you are devoting all of your time to them? Are you visiting all of the time? I felt I needed to visit all of the time because I felt guilty for leaving my mother in a NH. I think this is normal but totally wrong. She is in the best place for her care level needs and realistically there are no other options. There is no reason to feel guilt and I can now balance my time and be present for all the other people in my life.
If you are trying to make your parents do what you want, perhaps it’s not surprising if your spouse isn’t on side. How much time are you spending visiting or worrying about this – or trying to talk about it?