I see my mother twice a week. It is a very long commute back and forth
My mom should be in a nursing home but refuses to go. There is an aide there the other days, but only for 4 hours. 24/7 care is just too expensive. She puts a lot of pressure on me, emotional and financial. She has severe anxiety and OCD issues, and is a very demanding and difficult person. I feel I am unappreciated, and just a servant. By the time I leave her I feel angry, depressed and hopeless about life. I try not to lose my temper with her, but she makes me angry. Then I feel guilty because she is old with a lot of health issues.
We can be healthy and balanced even if we were raised by Nero.
This man can say no more, you need more care then I can provide and I am done propping up your false independence.
My mother will ve miserablein a home. She will make sure of it. She
doesn't make the best of a bad situation. She takes every situation where things don't go EXACTLY the way she wants and makes it a crisis of the highest order. I once didn't arrive on time(her time) and she was in hysterics for the rest of the day. It made me angry but also sad. If she's in a nursing home, there is no way they will put up with her OCD demands. It's not possible. She also has severe incontinence from radiation when she had cancer 15 years ago. That on top of her OCD make her go into the bathroom constantly, and use a roll of t.p. in an hour. She goes through paper products, incontinence pads, diapers, disposable wipes and underwear like you wouldn't believe. That alone is a huge expense, along with her rent, food bills, etc.
I want to do what I can to make her remaining years as comfortable as possible, but I feel as if I'm caught in a web of madness. She and my father jad financial problems my entire life which they constantly need bailing out of. They went through probably close to a million dollars and still ended up with nothing.
I'm of two minds. I feel angry because of the pressure and because I feel she just sees me as someone whose sole purpose in life should be to tske care of her. She doesn't seem to care how my life is going, how I will be taken care of in my old age, or if I'm happy. She doesn't even acknowledge my birthday. I always got the impression my entire life that she resented any time I did anything that was part of me having my own life.
The other part of me feels sad and depressed. because I wonder if all this isn't some kind of mental illness she suffers from. and I should be sympathetic.
I am so grateful to you all for
listening and responding. It feels good to rant. I just joined this forum today. because I am feeling so conflicted and alone.
I'm basically a really nice person-but something about mother just brings out the 'mean' in me. I am not proud of the person she 'invokes' when I spend time with her. It's not her fault, and at age 90, she's clueless that she has always been this way---63 years of giving in to her wish and whims....I'm done.
I'm taking a 6 month break and will not speak to her unless she calls me (which she never does) and then in 2020 I will re-evaluate my ability to be around her and not be a hateful, horrible person.
Please look after yourself. The anger is hurting you. Have you ever seen a therapist? Not because you are the problem, but because she is and it is hurting you. If I have it right you are subsidizing your mother and supporting her to live in her home.. It might be worth your while to talk to your local agency for aging to see if they have any help/ideas for you.You need to plan for your own old age.
My folks were much the same. It took a crisis to force a move to assisted living. Mom was mad, hated me, made me feel like crap. But in hindsight I don’t think she realized what she was doing.
mom died about a year ago. It took me quite awhile to get over my anger and frustration and remember her back in the days when she was a good mom and reasonable person.
Yes, I felt like a different person after visits, dealing with crises and so on. You have to work hard to keep the rational thought in front of the emotional.
- If you and siblings are paying for you mom's care, stop. This is unsustainable and will only result in even deeper anger, bitterness, division among your siblings, etc. Especially since your parents were utterly financially irresponsible their whole lives. - Have a family meeting and in an informational, unemotional way let them know that as of XX date you will only provide X care and you will not pay for anything related to your mother's care going forward. Offer up the plan to get her on Medicaid and into a facility. Any sibling who has not been contributing to date should have no comment on any of this except to now offer help.
- If no one has PoA for your mom and she refuses to give it, your family should allow her to become a ward of the state and she should be informed of this reality. She will still get the care she needs. It just won't be of her choosing. Alerting social services that she may be vulnerable adult can get that ball rolling.
- Don't feel guilty for a moment. Move on with your life and pursue peace and joy.
Blessings!
Self preservation. Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and accept them. Cut back to once a week. Do something nice for yourself with that time. You are an adult and have the right to self determination. Live your life because she certainly has been living hers on her terms, right?
You have a life long history of being manipulated by your mother so it might be best to start with small steps, such as visiting less. Maybe go to once a week, with a phone call or even Skype in between if you can stand it. Then talk to professionals to find resources for your mother's care and begin adding them in and removing more of yourself. Naturally your mother's going to fuss and press your buttons but you're going to have to be strong and stop abandoning yourself. Maybe you can find a competent (underlined) counselor to support you and help stop you from caving in to your mother. Life rolls along and you've got to guard your finances, happiness and health. You already gave, and it's not your fault that she's a mess. She knows you'll cave in and that's why she's got you by the ear.
Go, Andrew--you CAN do it!
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