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MIL has been in memory care going on 7 months now. Of course, we have not been able to see her in person since early March I think. Every phone call ends in tears. I have a lot of prior experience with caregiving having worked in adult foster care for many years. Since we have no idea how much longer this will continue, I have been considering applying to work there.


Presently they are starting to plan for window visits on Father's Day, but no indication that this will go forward or if it's a one time thing.


I have been retired for 4 years now but am able to work just haven't wanted to.


So, has anyone else tried this as a means to see your loved one? I would be able to see her before and after work and maybe during breaks.


Anyway, thanks for any input as I think this through.

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How can you pay for this without exhausting everything as a senior vet?
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No, I did not live in that state where I had to provide care for my late mother.
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I worked in a Manor Care for three months. Let's just say...you would probably go to jail if you worked in the same facility as a loved one.
When it came time for my Mommaw to have round the clock care... I worked grave yard and my adult son moved back in with me and worked days so we could take care of her. I was so traumatized by my short time working in the facility. There were some wonderful people and excellent caregivers there, but there were some that I told myself if I ever saw them on the street, at my age now, I would still punch them in the face.
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Oftentimes such places have a policy in place that family members of residents cannot become employees. It's a conflict of interest.
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I worked as a LPN in a nursing home many years ago. One night, I was passing meds and I heard a woman crying out "Help, help, help". The orderly walking down the hall in front of me looked into the room and said, "I'm sorry. I'm not your nurse.". She said,"help" again so I took the med cart (you can't leave them alone.) and went to her room to find her FALLING OUT OF BED!!! Hanging on for her life. If a pt messes their bed (mainly during graveyard shift), the NA's put a bedliner under them, leaving them lying in the mess while 'caregivers' say that day shift will change the sheets anyway (in 6-8 HOURS!!) SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS! If the family is not around (many are simply dropped there and MAY get a 1 or 2 time visit YEARLY) the person is not fed, cleaned, bathed... the FAMILY MUST do everything in their power to make SURE their loved one is properly cared for or the horror stories are... no words. I was fired for 'complaining' about the care recieved. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to be with them. If at all possible, get your lived one OUT! THEY TOOK CARE OF YOU! If that isn't possible, a job is a great idea. I've thought of it and wish I could volunteer if possible but am myself currently 60% bedridden. God sent me an angel from Heaven to take care of me and my 90 yr old father with dimensia and many other problems. She lives with us. Maybe you could find someone to stay with you for xtra help. If you can get a job there, try working from home??? My friend God sent me and I say we'll do what we can... until we can't. It's very difficult and physically/emotionally challenging, at times, but I know dad gets better care.
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cwinter Jun 2020
Bless your heart. Thank you for sharing. You've reconfirmed my worst suspicions.
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Arlyle, I have had similar thoughts. I also want to tell you my experience w window visit and Memory Care. We did it last week for first t8me. It was so great to see her, and she did well at first. They called me an hour later and said they had to file incident report because she was so anxious. Rubbed her wrists so hard she caused a bruise. I hope you have a good experience.
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If you are part of office staff, there would be little chance of seeing your person. Office workers not usually in resident/patient care areas. During this pandemic, would think there would be less contact allowed.
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Think of your own wishes and health. You put your own health at more risk by taking a job. Maybe it would be better not to call? She may be stronger than you think. How about sending letters and cards to her instead? They might make her less sad. Maybe the staff at her facility has some suggestions.
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Sle247365 Jun 2020
Your suggestion to, basically, just walk away and leave them to a staff of strangers who really don't give a *^%* sounds a lot like the people I wrote about in my answer. I don't know you or DO NOT want to offend you and I'm sorry if I'm wrong but your answer doesn't read well. Seems callous.
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Thank you for your thoughts everyone. We are to be allowed a window visit this weekend. We will see if this helps the situation.
As I originally stated, I don't really want to take a job at this time.
I do know for a fact that a mother and daughter work together in this place. Also, at this time, volunteers are not allowed in.
So still considering my options.
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jacobsonbob Jun 2020
"I do know for a fact that a mother and daughter work together in this place." This would appear to set a precedent, but perhaps only for two employees and not necessarily for a resident and an employee.
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This could be a bit like our family situation when my younger sister had to be in my (teacher) mother’s class at school. The other kids said that mother was a bit stricter with sister than with the other kids, but they all coped together OK. I’d say give it a go, if the rules allow it. If it doesn’t work, quit. Could you work part-time? It might be easier.
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As I replied to Grandma1954, I don't think OP is talking a position helping with the care (aka hands-on.) She said she might be able to "...see her before and after work and maybe during breaks.", which to me implies she would be looking for office type work, not being an aide in MIL's area.

The best thing to do is ask management at the facility. Worst case, no.

That said, during lock down they will still limit interactions, whether you work there or not, so this may not resolve the visiting issue.
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On this forum I did read one person doing this successfully, but as stated below, there could be policies that prevent this per state laws or per facility policy. Maybe offer yourself as a volunteer if they are accepting people right now? FYI my MIL has covid and was moved to a first floor so people can window visit BUT they are venting the air out of her double-occupancy room and it blows right at anyone standing close enough to the window to look in. Just a heads-up that this may also be the case for your MIL. Maybe press for FaceTime visits instead. If you're there in person but supposed to be working or volunteering with others, you don't think she'll cry then and cling to you? Please think about this realistically.
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Why is she in Memory Care?
If you did not want to care for her at home or could not care for her at home why would you want to care for her in a facility where you will also have to care for 10 or 15 others.
If it is a matter of you could not care for her yourself, for the cost of Memory Care you could have hired someone to help you in your home.
Same with if she needed adaptations to the house, far less expensive to make the house accessible than Memory Care.

Can you honestly say that you would not give MIL more care than others?
Can you honestly say that when she does something to "piss" you off you would be able to restrain yourself the way you might if another resident did the same thing?
There are a LOT of posts on this site about BOUNDARIES and I think this would be a difficult one to negotiate. Even if you were able to manage it would the other members of your family be able to separate you the DIL and you the employee or would they ask you to do little things for their loved one.

I would also imagine that the facility has employee guidelines about this. Even if you were able to work in the same place I would imagine you would not be assigned to the area where MIL is residing.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2020
Since OP clearly states she could "...see her before and after work and maybe during breaks.", it is implied that she would be seeking some kind of office work, not hands-on care-giving.

As for whether it is allowed, the best thing to do is ask them. Worst case, the answer is NO.

I do know one place I worked would not hire both my daughter and myself, although it was large enough there that we might never see each other during the day! We had to work at different locations. My last employment had husbands and wives working, as well as adult children, often in the same building, but likely different departments.

In one weekly update, the person (upper admin) who writes it mentioned the passing of her mother, who lived in the facility.

So, it is all dependent on each facility's rules. I doubt there is any law prohibiting this, but every place will have their own rules.

ASK!
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Check with the center’s policies. Often what you are describing is prohibited.
I know one of the companies I worked for would not allow a husband and wife to work at the same center.
Don’t shoot the messenger. Review their policy regarding employment of relatives. I am sure this is addressed somewhere in the personnel manual.
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