Our mom, 90, had a stroke July 1. Previously, had been dxed with mild cog. decline, had been in Ind. Living. SIL took over finances, I took over meds, dr visits and other clinical interface. Since stroke, Vascular dementia and Alz has been dxed; she broke a hip in dementia unit; now in rehab, about to run out of Medicare days; several years of financial resources to pay for care, thank goodness and my dad. Mom is in facility 15 minutes away from one brother and SIL; he is POA,she is the financial guru, and frankly, the person in the family who likes mom. Youngest brother is 5 hours away, visits 1X per month. I am designated medical liason with facility, I am satisfied with care mom is getting. SIL visits every evening, sends me an email each AM about what mom is complaining about, ie, headache, vaginal discomfort, etc, etc, etc. Should we visit mom less so she complains to staff more (sil thinks she is saving up complalints for pm visits). How do we approach this? I live 2 hours away; I"m starting to dread SIL's emails each morning and spend much time on the phone wach day with facility trying to fix what ultimately can't be fixed. You folks have given me SUCH great advice since the beginning of my distance caregiving journey..hoping for a bit more!
And even though I learned to pick my battles, having my dad in a nursing home was a full-time job. My brother and I coordinated care for him and I talked with my brother everyday. Most of the time we just leaned on eachother for support. I too feel bad for families who have back biting and gossip and complete disrespect for eachother all because of one elderly person. It was so hard for us when our dad was in a NH, all the things that needed to be done and all the issues we had to deal with that I can't imagine what it would have been like had my brother and I not been there to support eachother.
And of course I agree with everything else Jeanne says. Your family rocks! Most threads on this site are about slacker siblings or siblings in constant fights over the care of their loved one(s). You guys should start classes on how you manage to do it as a coordinated unit!
I don't know if less frequent visits would mean more frequent and timely interaction with the facility staff. This is perhaps a question you could ask of your contact there.
Maybe SIL could demonstrate that the staff is there to help her. When she says "I have a headache," SIL could reply, "press the nurse call button, Mom." When someone comes in, encourage Mom to tell about her headache. Then let the staff deal with it. I think I'd try to get Mom out of the habit of thinking only her family can take care of her.
It might be kind of a fine line between "only my family can take care of me" and "my family has abandoned me." Discuss this with the visiting SIL and see if together you can come up with a plan that cuts out all the middleman delays. Instead of from Mom to SIL to You to Staff, encourage more things to go directly from Mom to Staff.
Even if you can work out this particular challenge, medical liaison is a labor-intensive role. It can be time-consuming, especially in times of acute illness or flareup, and especially doing it long distance.
You mother is very lucky to have her entire family supporting her, each in his/her own way. I congratulate you all. If there are grandchildren they are getting a great set of role models.