My mom has her own attorney who I have worked with but they are not much for hand-holding. I met with my own separate attorney to ask what it would entail to have a professional POA and what my rights, obligations, and risks are in both cases. I still am confused even though at the meeting it seemed clear. My memory isn’t the greatest especially with all of the stress of dealing with this and my job and the legalese is not easy for me. She said something about a clause in the trust that allows the POA to be reassigned. It sounded like my attorney (and I also have another friend who’s done senior law who agrees) was saying that there could be something in the docs that allows me to make the choice. However, when I asked the attorney that Mom had do the trust, they said mom would have to appoint a new person and documents be drawn up again. I suppose we can do that but I just am confused what the other attorney meant. I will ask her next week but if anyone here know of a book or something maybe I will understand better. I try to read all of the articles here but it’s a lot and a book may be simpler.
Backstory: 25 years ago, my mother, who lived alone and was a very independent woman, successful behavioral health professional, skier, and adventure traveler, was 64 and was hit by a car and severely injured. She was in rehab for 6 weeks and I stayed with her for a year to help her during that time. After a year, I moved back home. Her career and health declined after that. She and I had a difficult relationship. She is narcissistic and mean. I got married and had kids but she was angry that I didn’t live near her and would rarely visit. In 2011 she had back surgery so I came and helped for a few weeks and we hired 24-hour care in home care for a bit. Mom liked one of the caregivers, Norma. My mom relied on Norma for most friendship and assistance doing fun things. Mom was still taking care of a lot. Later, they would hide problems from me unless my mom ended up in the hospital. Over time, I could see that her house was in worse shape. She would take too many sleeping pills and call me incoherently babbling and then not remember later. She seemed to be in cognitive decline. Her doctors and lawyers wouldn’t talk to me. My aunt was POA and I was second in line but my aunt did not even want it and regardless it wasn’t sprung. I did get her doctor to stop prescribing narcotics after several emergeny room and/or hospital visits for severe bowel impaction or falling. I could see when I visited and looked at paperwork that her affairs were getting more and more out of order. She was forgetting to send birthday cards and that sort of thing…which she had always been very vigilant about. Her vision was getting worse from macular degeneration. Norma enabled her in hiding issues and started doing more and more. Norma wrote all the checks, got cash from the ATM, went shopping with mom’s credit cards. They both would get defensive when I asked questions. Mom ‘lost’ her 3-carat diamond ring. When finally I did gain access to her accounts I could see she spends a lot of money to maintain her lifestyle. Cash withdrawals were high but maybe explainable. I see there were odd charges on my mom’s Costco card. When she needed a reverse mortgage then she really let me get involved. After a year of effort to do this finally my mom made me trustee and I got durable POA in May this year. Norma has been difficult, mom is protecting her independence, and trying to manage things from a distance with their lack of cooperation is too much for me with all of my other responsibilities. I’ve repeatedly tried to convince her to move into assisted living and/or move near me. She refuses. I am thinking that I may need to demand that she move to assisted living or I will turn POA over to a professional.
If mom has cognitive decline, she may need to be in memory care rather than AL. That might help get rid of Norma because mom would be locked in. Yet if mom is enmeshed with Norma, the loss of her could cause further decline in mom.
This is a tough situation, and if I were you, I wouldn't feel welcome to be involved in mom's affairs at all. Just sayin'.
not sure a book can do it justice...?
However, I'd think you would want to (also) speak to an attorney.
This is one book I found:
Power of Attorney: The One-Stop Guide: All you need to know: granting it, using it or relying on it (One Stop Guides) Paperback – February 18, 2021
by Sandra McDonald (Author)
One of the most powerful ways we can care for our future is to create a Power of Attorney. This simple document allows an appointed person to make decisions for us in the case that we can no longer do so ourselves. But what does it mean to be someone's attorney? And how can it be set up?
This book is designed to offer clear, practical advice for anyone making this decision, or needing to exercise their rights. Drawing on over two decades of professional and personal experience, Sandra McDonald explains everything that you need to know about Power of Attorney, including:
- how to create the legal document
- how to implement it
- dealing with others and safeguarding
The result is an invaluable resource for anyone who is, has or deals with a Power of Attorney
1. “The Complete Power of Attorney Guide for Consumers and Small Businesses” by Linda S. Lewis
This book offers a comprehensive overview of the various types of POA, the duties involved, and practical advice for both agents and those granting POA.
2. “Durable Powers of Attorney: A Handbook for Attorneys and Clients”
by Carolyn L. Dessin. Although this is more of a professional guide, it’s also useful for individuals seeking an in-depth understanding of POA duties.
3. “Nolo’s Durable Power of Attorney” by Shae Irving J.D. Published by Nolo, a trusted source for legal self help books, this guide covers the legal and practical aspects of creating and managing a durable POA.
4. “The Power of Attorney Handbook” by Edward A. Haman—This book explains the different types of POA, the legal implications, and the responsibilities of the agent.
These books should help you understand the roles and responsibilities associated with being a power of attorney.
is helping me
a step by step guide
Cou can also go the guardianship route since Norma is enabling her, and once completed, you will have full control.
You, as the POA, can NOT reassign it, you can, however, hire a geriatric care manager to act on your behalf, using your moms money of course.
Best of luck sorting this out, it is hard under the best of relationships and near impossible in bad ones. Remember that you matter too and if you have to wash your hands of it, that's okay.
Tried hiring one geriatric care manager and boy was that a fail. Thanks for the good wishes. I am building more and more callouses to this debacle lol.
What I appreciate about the articles is that they often refer the reader to other resources; you may find your book that way.
Best wishes to you for your care as you strive to take care of Mom.
If you feel incapable (and with memory deficits imho you are not fully capable of this job) then you can resign even if mother has dementia, but this is a legal action at that point handled by an attorney as the courts will need to appoint a POA, a court appointed fiduciary, in that case.
Any way you are looking at it, a Licensed Fiduciary is the answer here. See an elder law attorney. They work with Fiduciaries in the court system and can guide you in finding one. My brother's ex partner had one himself when he had no family to serve as POA. This is a VERY difficult job.
I served as Trustee of Trust and POA for a brother who was well organized, very cooperative, and in ALF care. It is a difficult job at very best, and would be impossible with complications. See an attorney for options.
As to good books on being POA? I never found one and have a library of useless books about managing a trust that assume your elder is already dead. I found most of my information online and learning the hard way. It was a STEEP learning curve. And the anxiety of it all was quite horrific really.
Yes, this is indeed a stressful task and the learning curve is ridiculously steep. It is ridiculous that it is made so difficult and we don't have a better system in place. I watch my friends' parents getting scammed and screwed left and right by predators and family. People's true natures really show up when there is a gullible elder to exploit. It's horrible. I am just as concerned about finding a good fiduciary as I am regarding finding a good attorney or caregiver. The odds are not great in my experience. And what it usually comes down to is the old adage "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I will be having the talk with her and she will be making a big decision soon because I will not be the one making all of the sacrifices here.
Managing a trust can be complicated. Many people have PoAs but no trusts. You need to read your PoA document to see what activates your authority to act on her behalf. Most require 1 medical diagnosis of incapacity, sometimes people require 2.
So, if the requirements that activate your authority have been met, then you can begin to make decisions in her best interests without getting buy-in from her. You can "demand" she move to AL but good luck trying to get a resistant adult to physically go there without being creative (and using a therapeutic fib).
I don't think you have a helpful understanding of dementia and how it changes people, what it does to them and why. I learned a lot of great info from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube.
You are going to need to get her finances under control or she won't have any money to pay for AL. You should also consult with a Medicaid Planner for her state if she eventually needs LTC (which many elder eventually do). If your Mom is already relying on a reverse mortgage to pay for her living expenses, then this is not a good sign. And you will need to think deeply about continuing to employ Norma... if she doesn't understand her role as an aid, nor cooperate with the PoA, then she's gotta go.
If being your Mom's PoA and trustee is overwhelming, you can hire an elder law attorney and/or trust banker to help advise you (and use your Mom's funds to pay for it). It will be a lot of work until you get things under control.
My Mom is 95 and lives next to me. She is starting to be resistant to reasonable and logical requests, is forgetful (and says I never told her things) and now paranoid. I had to trick her into going in for the cognitive exam that diagnosed her incapacity and also end cancelling her license. She was defiant and angry for a while but has gotten better. She still won't "allow" me to sell her car but it's getting closer.
To deal with your Mom (if your choose to) you may need to take Family Leave if your employer offers it, or vacation time or leave of absence. If you have your own spouse and children, then they are always the priority and not your Mom. There are other solutions if you decide to step down from trustee and PoA, but talk to a reputable certified elder law attorney first. I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you navigate this responsibility and make decisions.
She did stop driving but only because macular degeneration made her lose her license. It took her two years after that for her to let me sell her car. I have talked to two elder law attorneys and I just think I need to learn a lot more before I know who to trust and relinquish the reins to someone. I have had some suggestions about how to ‘trick’ her to do things. She is still pretty suspicious and shrewd at times. Sometimes a petulant child. And sometimes too trusting. I asked her about 6 times if she wanted to give me POA and make me trustee before we went through with it because she will agree to something one day and change her mind the next. But she was solid on that. I also told her I could turn her POA over to Norma if she preferred her judgement and she had no interest in that. I think Norma has a bullying, Stockholm Syndrome sort of hold over her. She has no one else to rely on and so she can’t give Norma up. I am looking for reasons to go rent a home down there temporarily so that she can feel what it’s like to have someone else to support her. I don’t want to enable her though, which is what Norma does because she has such a cushy gig. I can not take a Family Leave, I need the money. I am putting two kids through college and trying to play catch up on my own financial security since I was a mom for 20 years and am just rebuilding a career. I don’t want to leave my family but they are at launching age so it may be the right time to do some creative arrangements. I work from home as long as I am in my state but it’s not the greatest plan long-term. And I am not dropping everything immediately to make this happen, so in the meantime I am sort of doing a shoddy job at POA.
I just want to come at this knowledgeably and strategically and am trying to get ducks in a row. I know that I may not have this luxury much longer. I have at least three AL places lined up in my area that I like, so that is done. I have made a list of all of the furniture I would buy at IKEA to set up a place immediately. I put aside a cash reserve from her reverse mortgage to be able to pay for care until her house sells when the time comes. Next is to get the snake out of her house.