My mother is 75 years old and resides with me and my husband. Her behavior most of the time is tolerable at best. To say familiarity breeds contempt is an understatement. My mother has endured much emotional and physical trauma in her life. She was adopted and her adopted mother abused her to the point she had to be removed from the home. Given the time period, she was separated from her adopted father too. She was ferried off to an aunt and uncles home for care and they had a daughter they doted on; she was taken care of but always viewed as more of a burden. Fast forward and she has five failed marriages under her belt (although the first one does not count as the guy was actually gay and pressured to marry).
The crux of the issue is my mother is a miserable person who has never sought help to heal from past trauma. This has lead to her having significant health problems like diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, and heart problems. Between the diabetes and the recurrent UTI's which affect her mentation, she can be very challenging to be around. She can get hostile and nasty very quickly. She catastrophizes everything. She sulks if she is not included in every aspect of my life. She gets especially intolerable when I go away on day trips or longer trips with my husband away from home. She makes snide remarks and tries to make me feel badly for enjoying life. Most disturbing, she looks to me to somehow make her whole again. She is passive aggressive and always the victim. When she is angry about something, she acts like a petulant child and will flat out ignore me when I try to engage in conversation with her. She slams doors. She stomps around in her slippers. Being around her daily is mentally draining and exhausting. She constantly finds things to clean to the point where I believe she has OCD.
We are in the process of building a home and have specifically built a mother-in-law 1100 sq. ft adjoining structure- 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, spacious laundry and utility room, brand new appliances and a slot in the garage with a door leading inside. We are not wealthy and this was not a cheap venture. My husband let her design the space. She decided to not add the original amount of windows because she needs more wall space. Ok. Now, she complains the place looks dark and small. She doesn't like the front door we got for her. Mind you she would never be able to find an 1100 sq ft condo/apt/etc. with a garage for 1,000 a month including utilities on her fixed income. I am hoping things will improve when she has her own dedicated area and we are not living under the same roof.
Mostly, I do a lot of ignoring and not feeding into her behavior along with lots calm and nonchalant responses as I know she feeds off of and feels a great sense of satisfaction when she gets me to react. I am interested to hear from other members what coping strategies you use to manage a severely unhappy and oftentimes irascible parent?
At 73 I have found that people are unhappy because of expectations they have of others. When the others do not meet those expectations, then they get angry. I had a friend like this. Not saying Mom did not go thru alot in her childhood. Her marriages were bad choices on her part and thats her fault. I think its a personality thing. My grandmom died when Mom was 9. The closest in age to her was a sister 9 yrs her senior who now had to fend for herself. So Mom was shipped off to a step relative. Mom, the baby of the family was now living with a strict religious woman who had 2 children of her own and of course favored her daughter. My Mom married at 18, I think to get away. That marriage did not work out and she married my Dad and was married to him for 55 yrs. She was a nice happy woman. Always smiling.
You are doing good by ignoring and not reacting. Like you said, you do not want to feed into it. Make sure boundries are set when she moves in to ur new home. Like, she just doesn't walk into ur part of the house when she wants. But what I might do is sit her down, sit right across from her and look her in the eye and say "No more complaining. We did not have to move you in with us or build a house with a MIL suite for you. On what u bring in, u could have moved into a HUD subsidized apt. But instead, you lucked out you have a daughter who allowed you to live with her. A daughter who now kind of regrets it because all you do is complain and sulk when things don't go ur way. Its getting old Mom. I have given u a place of your own. Its up to you to be happy in it. I refuse to give up my life for you. You need to find your own life. If you continue to complain and sulk when u don't get ur way, you may need to find somewhere else to live. We can always rent out your space. So, think about it Mom, do you want to live near a daughter who loves and appreciates you, or do you want to push me away and spend the rest of your life completely alone. Your choice."
You are wise to know that your mom has limitations.
But you are very mistaken to think they caused her physical problems. I have had a blessed and happy, happy life starting out with the best parents in the world, a great career as an RN, wonderful daughter and great partner. I never had a bump in the road that didn't have something to teach me, including breast cancer 38 years ago. But, I'm 81, and I can promise you, happy or not, our genes will out. We will get stuff, no matter how contented we are. And while our unhappy nature may make it more difficult to deal with, it didn't cause it. To suggest it did further victimizes someone already a victim.
If I could offer any advice that might help I would encourage you to stop expecting your mom to change. A lot of her attitude is simply habit.
Get on with your own life, create your joy. You CHOSE to take your Mom in, but you aren't joined to her hip.
For me--I garden, read, walk, sew kimonos, go on trips, go to museums, listen to podcasts, watch a bit of TV, visit the kids and grandkids. Others have lots of friends or make community out of houses of faith. Find what brings you joy and don't overthink the joy others are creating (or not) in their own lives.
I sure wish you the very best.
I used to run myself ragged for my mother because I was always trying to please her to get her approval which I was never going to get.
Until I stopped playing her games and putting up with it.
In the early days when I was dating my second husband, he brought me to meet his family. I met his grandfather who was a holocaust survivor that lost his whole family in the war. That's trauma. This man had a zest for life. He never complained, he never took his pain out on his family and he was a wise man indeed. My husband (his grandson) was a widower at 30 years old and with a two year old child. That's trauma. He never took his grief and misery out on his family or anyone else. People have trauma in their life. They do not have to behave abusively to their families to cope with it.
So I'm going to give you a good piece of advice and tell you to handle your toxic mother the same way I learned to handle mine.
Sit her down and plainly tell her the following:
I am done playing your nonsense games. If you are going to behave like a spoiled senior brat, our relationship will be at an end.
If you cannot control your histrionics and must make a catastrophy over anything, then you will be going to a nursing home or assisted living facility because clearly you cannot cope with independent living that is not structured and supervised.
Also, my husband and I will go anywhere we damn well please and there will be no snide commentary or instigating from you.
If you cannot learn to behave with basic human respect towards me, you and I will no longer have a relationship.
This means that neither I nor my husband will speak to you, or help you in any way. We will not take your calls or do anything for you.
Your choice.
Then set some boundaries and stick to them.
When my mother is trying to instigate a reaction from me, it is met with zero attention. I ignore her so completely that it's like she's not even there. I've learned this skill over a 25 year career as a caregiver to the elderly. When you act up, you get ignored.
My mother was a big complainer about meals. One day she started complaining about the food (which she liked). So I picked up her plate and threw it in the garbage and she got nothing else.
Meals then stopped being a source of complaint to her.
You set those boundaries and you stick to them. When you stop playing her games, she will stop trying to get you to.
You likely won't be able to impose them on her, but you MUST impose them on yourself to know when to say "enough".
My mom and I (an only child) were estranged for 15 years before we re-established contact about four years ago. She is a full-on narcissist and every time we were around each other, she did a number on my head. When I saw myself responding to my own daughter as my mother had responded to me as a child, I knew it was time to cut contact before the cycle started again. I've done a lot of foolish things in my life, but that was perhaps the wisest thing I have ever done.
Those fifteen years were years of positive growth with lots of self-reflection and healing for me, so when she contacted me, I felt ready to try having a relationship with her again. I remember telling myself - out loud - I don't have to stay if it starts taking a toll. As we waded back into the water together, I could tell she had not changed one iota and I (with the help of my wonderful husband) made a game plan for dealing with her. 1) no way could she live with us. 2) have care in place so that I could step away temporarily if she became abusive to the point of affecting me mentally, 3) don't let my guard down - ever. 4) as last resort, it would be okay to separate myself from her. This last one would prove to be most difficult because I am her MPOA as well as her DPOA, but it can be done if absolutely necessary.
We MUST take care of ourselves FIRST if we are to take care of a parent. It's like having a child again, especially if there is dementia involved. If you are not fit physically and mentally, you don't have the reserves to pour into their care.
Mom lives in Memory Care these days, but until 8 months ago, she was in AL. When she was no longer able to be home alone, she wanted to move in with us, but I told her no. Thankfully, we live in a two-room cabin in the boonies, so she could see for herself that that was not going to work. Instead she happily packed her stuff up and moved to an AL in my town. What I didn't realize was that she expected that meant we could be besties and spend all our time together. She thought I should get off work and come straight to her place and stay til bed time, and then spend all weekend every weekend with her and I should take her with us on trips (even though she started asking "how much longer?"after a half hour in the road) and she should get to go with me to various groups I am involved with (even to the point of wanting me to quit them because she didn't like them). Lots of friendly ladies in AL, but she wanted no part of them, or of the men, or of the activities - she wanted my undivided attention. I shut that down pretty quickly and tried to get her involved with a senior group at church and a couple of groups in our town, but she hated them all. I felt real badly for her loneliness, but she made the choice not to make friends. I've come to realize that what I had always perceived as her ability to make friends was hinged on her being able to take control and dictate the who, what, when and where.
I've had to step out several times for a couple of weeks at a time to get perspective and to take a stand against being verbally abused, not that it changes her but it reminds me that I am not seeking her approval to be happy and that I don't identify as an abusee.
Even now in MC, she works to manipulate me to be her defender, provider, confidante, and problem solver. I KNOW she's in a good facility, so I'm not going to step in and make demands based on her feeling she isn't treated like the royalty she envisions herself to be. If I see a problem, I will (and have) handle it, but getting served sweet tea instead of unsweet does not call for the militia.
So anyway - yeah - boundaries. It helped me to envision situations in advance and imagine a positive response to them and build my boundaries based on those forethoughts.
I fear that moving her will not make anything better.
Why not consider her moving to AL where she can be with people her own age? Make friends and enjoy activities?
You appear to be heading into the "Burnout" stage in dealing with her. not good.
My mother is 98, now lives in AL, she likes it, your mother is a year younger than me she could live another 20 years, I hope that you are up for the ongoing challenges.
Therapy for you is the only coping strategy I can recommend, might help you to set boundaries and deal with the stress which will never go away as long as you two live on top of each other.
Sending support your way!
You've got the tough job of not getting drawn into it and giving her the satisfaction of you reacting. That's where I fall short so many times with my own mother.
Your mother is blessed to have you.
Calling out her bad behavior might just make it worse. But, as someone else wrote, you DO have all the power. It might be good to remind yourself and her of that pointing out you and hubby have a right to a happy life.
It’s incredibly stressful to be with a parent who is always negative, judgy and childish. I learned a few mantras that helped me with my mom when she was still alive. Your mom will always know how to push your buttons because she installed them!
Here are the mantras that helped me:
Least said, soonest mended.
Just let the bait swim by.
You do not have to attend every fight you’re invited to.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Your mom seems selfish and ungrateful and scared. One of the hallmarks of fear is trying to control people, places and things.
You are very empathetic to her childhood and the issues and emotions it created for her. BUT, that was THEN and this is NOW. She is solely responsible for her own attitudes and behavior. And you do NOT have to put up with it. If she sulks, let her. If she goes silent, let her be.
It need not have anything to do with you.
Having her move into an inlaw apt won’t change her behavior unless you lay down clear boundaries and then enforce them.
Remaining neutral to her button pushing will make it stop. I learned to say to my mom, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” and change the subject.
If she was baiting me with gossip about other family, I would say, “ I really don’t have an opinion about that.” OR “I don’t feel that’s any of my business.” and change the subject. If you change your behavior, hers will too. But initially, she may escalate her obnoxious behaviors still trying to get a response. Do not take the bait.
Finally, I will give you an example from my work life. Years ago, I had a co-worker who just drove me crazy. One day for some reason, I thought to myself, if she was a dog, what kind would she be? I immediately pictured a chihuahua—all yappy and nervous. From then on, I had compassion for her and a sense of humor about our interactions.
I hope something I have written here helps you.
Take care of YOU first.
Good luck.
Ouch. I'm so sorry. You have gone above and beyond. I think it's time to tell her that she is ruining your relationship. I have pretty much lost any relationship I had with my mom and she does not live with me. My heart goes out to you. For your sanity (and your husbands) tell her how you feel. I heard someone say the other day, "you do not owe anyone else your life." That is true in every respect. She needs to understand that. You need to get your life back. The truth can be hard to hear but giving your life to your parent because they will not respect boundaries is not the answer. I know it is hard but try to stand up for yourself. I hope your husband supports you (in terms of giving you positive feedback for all that you have done) and that you have friends to turn to. It's a hard road to travel but think about the alternatives. Do you want to spend the next 10 years resentful? This is your life, take it back.
Sending good thoughts your way. I do not in any way think this is easy.
Try to get as much self care time away from the toxicity that this brings into your home. You are surely doing far more than others ,vso do not allow her guilt trips to side track you. Be sure that you have all POA documents in place so that if ever needed you can make decisions for her ( such as facility placement) should need arise.
If you practice a faith and / or she does arrange for regular pastoral visits for her. If not, engage a local chaplain to provide spiritual support with her that may help her begin to address her emotional needs. Speak with her PCP,About these dynamics ,vsee if PCP will referca social worker or other in home support system for her.
And if she is cognitively A/ O, capable of understanding, you and your husband can try having a conversation with her as you prepare for the move into her new living space, to set some boundaries with her, expectations and, compliance needs in order for the living arrangements to work. And, for you and your husband to have a quality of life while you are trying your best to accommodate her.
Perhaps getting some 1:1 support for yourself may be healthy especially if she resists getting help. Having some other professionals aware of the situation and providing objective professional support such as a social worker or chaplain and her PCP, will at least allow you to not feel held hostage to her behaviors and she will also be aware that other professionals are a part of this dynamic ; sometimes out of people's own shame, pain,grief ,trauma, they try to drown one other person, usually the one helping the most, the primary caregiver ( you) rather than getting help. You may need to call in the lifeguards ,other professionals, to help save you, as well as her.
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