I am the full time caregiver of my 88 year old mother, who has dementia. My brother, who became her power of attorney while she still lived on her own, has control over her social security check ($1020 per month) and her savings. (around $30,000) He gives me enough to cover her expenses, which I was fine with initially. However, my husband feels that we should be compensated for our time and effort also, seeing that Mom does have savings and receives a check every month. I am reluctant to broach the subject with my brother for fear of appearing to be selfish and a money grabber. Hubby feels we are being taken advantage of. This is causing some discord between hubby and me. Honest thoughts please.
Later, bring up the subject of the money. Ask what he plans and uses the $1,020 for, if you're not getting it all right now. I think if you're feeding, housing and caring for her, your expenses and time easily run into that whole $1000. If I was your brother I'd have no qualms about giving you the whole $1,020. Or I might say that it's being put in savings that will be used when she needs more intensive arrangements.
In actuality, the $1000 per month and $30K will not be enough for an assisted living situation. Sorry I don't have a solution to this. I myself care for my father and use up his $600 in social security each month. And we already used up all $20K of his savings for medical, travel to see the grandkids, etc.
When my dad was living with my brother the social security went 100% to my brother, and I do have to say I don't think he fully utilized it well, he being a typical American with maxed credit cards and such. We got into some arguments over it.
But when my father came to live with me, my brother never said anything when I asked him to hand over my father's ATM card. But I did have to ASK for the card...
Maybe it will help you, my exact words were, "Hey, do you have dad's ATM card?" Not much else needed to be said. I was expecting him to make a stink about it. (The social security is automatically deposited into my father's checking account)
As a caregiver, I am compensated for taking care of my father-in-law. He would have it no other way. He knows I devote a great deal of my time towards him. This includes making sure he is always in clean clothes, changing his sheets, making three square meals a day along with snacks, getting him to the doctor, barber, appointments taking him on outings, making sure he gets in and out of bed safely, and has a healthy amount of interaction. I do have help come in to bathe him three times a week. He is 89 years old with Parkinsons, dementia, and has a stoma as a result of Bladder cancer. It is a challenge to say the least. Clearly your brother needs to realize this is not an obligation a senior adult child must do for a parent out of "love." You need to spell it out for him and ask if he and his wife would like "a turn" as it is overwhelming for you and your husband to do alone.