My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

I disagree with you, horserider. We must live in the present. This woman has forsaken her husband. Period. It doesn't matter that it's her father that has taken over her life and come between beretta and his wife. It's wrong.

beretta68 ,

Depending on your wife's relationship with her brother, she may or may night hear him. He might look like he's taking your side since he's a man. Triangular relationships and communication can work strange like that which is another good reason for marriage therapy because it brings in the input of an objective third person who is not related to either and has not emotional trade off in the whole matter.

My have you sacrificed a lot and this has been on hold for about 3 months when we reach December 9.

Even if the meeting goes well, I still think marriage therapy is needed for your wife holds way too much power over you in your marriage. No spouse should hold that kind of power over another male or female. Frankly it's emotional and psychological abuse.

Ask her - "do you want me to just hold off on any changes until after the New Year? But first, ask yourself if you can live with an answer of "yes, please" which I suspect is likely. If you can, and you can back off completely and expect nothing but the status quo for another month, it is possible her defenses will start to crumble. If she does not miss YOU more than she fears change and feeling guilty for not doing it all herself, and does nothing but get even more comfortable with inaction, it will be time for you to take a move in mid-January because your life and marriage should not be on hold forever. Making a move could be packing your things, or setting up a counseling appointment that you will go to yourself whether she comes with you or not.

Beretta68, I just went back and re-read all the responses to your questions and it looks like even though you asked the question in Sept of 2015, this has been going on for almost a year from their answers. Have you really been just waiting in the wings for almost a year for your wife to make a decision about her father? Well, if you have, I can tell you that with all the answers you gave about her, it seems to me that she doesn't really care one iota about what you think or care about. If it has really been that long, as long as you remain on the fence about your relationship, she will too. You have been more than fair about your requests and you have gotten little in return. You may need to face some hard facts about your wife. I don't know of many men who would put up with this treatment nor do I know of many women who would put up with the same type of treatment from a husband for this long. The FIL is being selfish if he is able to move around fine and do for himself until she gets off work, then he suddenly becomes needy. He is treating her more like an abused wife than a daughter. It is apparent that he has considerable control over her and her emotions. Some fathers do and use that to their advantage. It seems that he is enjoying being the "main" one in her life instead of you. And, she is getting the attention she may have deserved many years ago and didn't get when she was growing up.
They are both feeding each other's needs and you are left out in the cold. I don't recall how old you are but if your name Beretta68 means that you are 68, then you should be doing something about this before it gets too late. Your wife seems to be happy with the status quo and doesn't want to hear anything else about making changes so you have a few options left. 1. Leave everything as is and accept the status quo until she tells you what you two are going to do; 2. Insist that FIL go into an AL or if his health is better, a retirement community so you two can resume your marriage without any interference from him; 3. If she is willing to work with you and start spending some weekends with you, you can get a cleaning person who will relieve the stress and burden of cleaning and give her some needed down time; 4. If she isn't willing to work with you about anything and doesn't want to hear about a change, then it may be time to tell her you are going to start living again and then go do it. You can go on cruises and/or vacations without her, go with a male friend who may be in the same shape or is single, if money is tight, at least go to free things-like museum openings, bike-riding, walks in the park or go to movies, out to eat, spend time with friends and have conversations that aren't about anyone's problems, spend time with family members again, anything that puts you with other adults to get away from the health issues; or 5. If all else fails, move somewhere else. As one commenter put it, she's doing for him like she would do for you if you were to get sick. NOT true! There's a reason she doesn't want to spend time with you and only you can answer that if you're honest with yourself. A marriage therapist would tell you the same thing. You're either dancing together or you two are at different galas. If, in fact, you are 68, and in good health, you may have 2 decades left to enjoy life. It only comes around once and you've had some bad luck this past year. Check out a therapist and see what they think about the last year and what's in store for you. Finally, you may only have the last option left and you know what that is.

Terry's and the other insightful posts just gave me an idea. The assumption has been that you want to regain a closeness with your wife and a true married life, in the real sense of being close.

There's another possibility, one in which you just co-habit and lead separate lives. You leave her with her father and all that arises from that and go on with your own life, spending time with your friends and leaving her with her father.

I recall reading somewhere that this is how the rich folks do it if they're not getting along. They don't necessarily divorce. They just lead separate lives while still co-habiting.

Beretta; I think you have to ask your self what you want out of this marriage. You say you want to become her main focus? What does that look like?

You say you are doing all the housekeeping chores while she tends dad. How much care does he need? Enough that she's not able to split household chores with you? Enough that it impinge on your day to day activities and hers, leaving you both exhausted! Or is she simply wanting to spend time with her dad, and NOT with you?

The question is, does she want to remain married, is the marriage of value to her. Or is she seeking an excuse to withdraw.

This is why you need a therapist. Something is going on here that is unknowable by us, because you are not seeing what she's seeing. This has gone on as status quo for far too long. Maybe introduce her to this thread; I'd love to hear HER side of the story.

We have cared for my MIL since early October 2014. We moved her in w/us then. She had previosly lived alone for the former 10+ years after being widowed. We would visit her once a week, then my husband started staying over 1 night/wk, then it became 2 X/week for about 3 months while we prepped for her to move in here.

When we moved her here, we did not expect her to live past a few months due to her frail physical condition. However - with better nutrition and care she is still here 14 months later - and now moving into Memory Care AL next week. Her dementia has progressed quite a bit.

After a year, during which my husband - who has been a wonderful caring son to her - REFUSED to consider Adult Day Care or having an aide come in, resulting in us being UNable to go out together - because once she was here she didn't want to EVER be left alone and the 1st time we did for just an hour to do an errand, she was crying and upset when we returned - I put my foot down.

I told him he could move back to her home with her or I would move out, but I was unwilling for the situation to continue. I am still furious that he allowed a person with the mental acuity of a 2-yo to make decisions about our lifestyle! (Not her choice - HIS.) I also said and believe that she needs far more stimulation than we can or are willing to provide. Once I put my foot down, he began to start looking at NH and AL, and FINALLY (!!!) spoke with our next door neighbor who is an experienced care manager/cordinator at a local hospital (duh!). She is very knowledgeable about local facilities within a half-hour's drive. But he refused to speak with her until I threatened leaving.

After visiting half a dozen locations, we found an excellent one not too far away. So - we will soon be getting our lives back - but I don't know how much longer this would have continued if I hadn't insisted that things change and fast.

My advice? SET BOUNDARIES for yourself and your marriage.

Thank-you for the posts and ideas that I can use. "Terry512" the 68 signifies by birthyear, and i am turning 48 next March. I agree with your "feeding each others needs" and you are right as how it affects me. Financially things are tight for now, until the new year will it gets better. "Anita" the boundries is a real good idea, something I can work on as well as my AL research. Once again thanks for the ideas and suggestions.

So quite the update: I found this agency on line. They have helped lead me to discover 3 places to check out. One is a Small retirement home of 30 residence specializing in memory care. I will be going to check it out after XMASS. And i discussed this openly and in detail with my wife.She is listening and understanding. So my calm approach of open dialogue seems to be working. Again my thanks to the advise givers out here for the help with my situation. If I found to be suitable, the next difficult step will be in deciding when. One step at a time---update to follow!

Sounds nice beretta. Is your wife's "listening and understanding" leading to agreeing? If not, then nothing has changed.

I am taking it a a positive sign. She is putting trust in her brother and myself to begin the tours. Once we find 3 that are promising, then we will see. But as she is not working during the holidays and will be home with FIL while I work, she will take on the majority of the care. Last time she was off, it was not so much fun and games. So one step at a time--but she does realize this has to happen, as I have called 2016 the year of moving forward--one way or another.

Just a question of whether I am being petty/paranoid or do I need to worry?
I called home to leave a message, and my wife changed the voicemail where it had recorded "this is the residence of "FIL" full name, and then us. I know this is minor but why does it seem to bother me so much? I have not brought it up as of yet.

I think it means exactly what you felt it to mean. You keep talking yourself out of things your heart knows and is trying so hard to tell you. You put up your own barrier to progress (which is refusing to go to personal counseling) while promoting your head or your wife as the only ones with an answer. Solutions will not come from only waiting and hoping for the best.

You don't need to worry - you need to do something about it. Whose house is this? Who is paying the mortgage? Who is doing most of the housework?

No, Beretta, you are not being petty or paranoid. Your wife is giving you yet another clear signal that her father is more important to her than you are. What are you going to do about it?

One of the main suggestions I have received out here is to seek outside counselling. I now believe I will for myself to start. It is time to get some guidence. Thanks "GOLDEN23"--I was feeling that if I with some ideas from out here could handle it; now I am seeing that I require more.........Thanks to All!!

oops - Beretta - you must be feeing pretty bad about this and the whole situation. I would see this as another real put down and I am sorry that you are going through those. The sad thing is that I think you are the only one who can make any changes here. Of course change is scary and you do not know what direction your wife will go in response to you, if you make any changes.

The New Year starts tomorrow. To me she has made a clear statement as to where her loyalties lie and what her intentions are for the future without coming out and discussing it with you openly. The ball is now in your court.

we cross posted - I am glad you have made that decision, Beretta. In my view it can only help you and hopefully the other members of your family. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes. Wishing you a much better year in 2016. Prayers...

Thank-you. And Happy New Year to all out here.

Happy New Year, Beretta!

Beretta, i just want to say that in my world view, what your wife did is called a " microaggression". If you ask her about it, she'll say it mesns nothing. To her, perhaps not. But to you, yes. The fact that it means " nothing" to her does not invalidate your feeling of, well, rage.

Be daring - fight fire with fire. Change the voice mail message back to "this is the residence of Beretta and (name your wife)". See what she does - it'll be a real clue to her determination to keep her FIL there if she gets upset or mad or changes it again.

Beretta, changing the voice message can be called a form of gaslighting. (Look it up) That could be why you have not succeeded, you are kept in the dark, there are ulterior motives at work to undermine you, and you are kept off balance trying to figure things out. When the words do not match the behavior, you need to go by the behavior. Get counseling, that's where I learned that.
Don't get me wrong, I am not taking sides here. You are definitely complicit in some way, means that you are getting something out of this non-marriage marriage, which maybe gives you a freedom undisclosed. You could make yourself accountable to a mentor, but not as a victim, if you really intend to take any action, in any direction. Talk to you next year, will you still be blaming your wife in 2016? This has gone on too long to be dissatisfied with the status quo.

Not mean, just tough love. Do something, you're the man! Be a leader!

14 months and counting. Make a new plan, Stan, slip out the back, Jack, just get yourself free! Goes the song. For you, Beretta, just stop complaining and do the dishes! If you decide to stay, it is actually disloyal of you to continue to complain about your wife and your situation.

beretta has posted that he is going to get counseling. That's a good move.

Hello beretta and all of you dear people who have been trying to help him. Cmagnum, there is a note of finality in your faith that beretta plans to see a professional. (Am I reading something that isn't there?) This thread came to my attention this morning while catching up with email. Isn't it a great feeling to start a new year with renewed determination to deal with whatever is left over from '15 and whatever might arise in '16? I want to do whatever you think is best. My heart goes out to you, beretta. With some minor changes, this scenario could reflect what my husband, my mom and I went through for over five years. Baretta, you and my husband are rare jewels for loving your wives enough to try to help the situation and for "standing by your women." I will share some of what happened to me if you think it will be helpful. You guys all seem to know each other well, so I will rely on your opinions. I have posted on and off, but it has been awhile since I have been consistent. Please let me know how you feel about my involvement. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO US ALL!

Her overwhelming father-guilt may have made her do that, but the next and bigger question is simply whether she is planning to proceed as you had discussed or if she is now expecting to maintain the status quo long term. If she says her father staying there means too much to her to give it up, and she is backtracking, you need to pack your things. If she says she is ready to make changes but no actual move is made towards alternative arrangements during the first few weeks of 2016, same thing. By first few weeks I do not mean first full month either. Glad you are getting counseling.

So what a New Year brings. I remember getting advice out here to speak to my FIL as to what he wants. He must have thought on that for a bit, and while we were together New year's Eve, he blurted out a place in town his cousin went to, and he wants me to tour and report back. In shock as we were, I realize that no one ever asked him directly. And after hearing his wishes my wife has gotten on board as well, not scared, but understanding this IS what DAD wants. She is now openly talking not just to me but to other family. Still a ways to go and work to do, but I feel like a huge weight is slowly lifting. And again I want to extend my appreciation to all whom have commented--the ideas and suggestions--they have helped guide me thru this and kept my sanity levels in check by not doing something hasty. Will report back in a bit after my tour and my FIL's reactions.

That is wonderful!!!

Yes, way to go! I hope this is the start of a series of events that lead to an acceptable compromise or resolution for your family.