My MIL broke her hip in May. I offered to take her in after PT at NH. Over the past few months, she has manipulated almost everyone into disliking her husband and making him look like the bad guy. My husband was finally fed up with him after she had a gall bladder attack and is in the hospital. He sat him down and had a talk with him and found out she has been playing us with her actions. Now with all the stress we have had, we are both fed up with it. I want to call them both out on their actions after she gets back. Am I being to harsh? We have put our lives on hold for the two of them, and are sick of it.
Been there. Set your boundaries. Let them return home or whatever and put them in touch with Senior Center and local Center for Aging for resources they may need now or in the future. Don't rush in to help. When they try to suck you into their crisis -- just send them to their doctor or hospital and let the experts deal with it. STOP letting them visit. Make excuses. Only visit them at their house or hospital or whatever for short visits.
Only you can let them play you. I've been there and giving you the benefit of my experience.
Just tell FILmthat she is moving back to her home directly from the hospital. Not coming to your house at all.
You cannot be a door mat if you won't lay down for it.
So now here I stand, waiting for her to be back here for maybe a week or two, until her husband has the house ready. I'm tired of picking up after all of them, tired of her manipulation, and I am not going to do it much longer. One of their sons literally live 2 blocks away from their home, but is the most distant from them. But yet he "doesn't want her home alone ". Well then he can deal with that when she gets home. She is capable of being home alone and doing for herself. Or she will shortly.
I do have an update on the in laws, other family members have finally stepped up. MIL is in NH in the next town (30 minutes away), where another son and DIL live. I put them down as contacts since they live in same town. Also, her nephew and his boyfriend who are professional carpenters, went to MIL home and built new railing on steps. One step closer to her being able to go home. Her home is 3 hours away, so we cannot just go there to prepare their home for her return. FIL is 80 YO and is still driving semi. So he is not home much, hence her anger towards him. We have informed other family members what exactly is going on, so they are prepared for whatever may come when she goes home. It is understood now that she will be going home as soon as possible and that FIL may have to be home more often. And at the least I do believe that I have all 4 of her boys either hating me, (which I don't care), or understanding that she must do things for herself and quit waiting on her hand and foot.
They both need some practical help by the sound of it; it most certainly does not need to come from you or your husband. Follow Jeannegibbs's directions back to sanity.
Now where does this leave you and hubby? They are his parents after all so he has to step up to the plate and take responsibility assuming your marriage is not already teetering on the rocks. If it is that is a separate issue and one the two of you have to resolve. So MIL will black ball you for ever, doesn't matter she is doing a pretty good job now. The only way to escape a toxic situation is to step away from it. You have done what you can. If your house was on fire would you stand close by and inhale the fumes? No, I think not you would run in the opposite direction unless there was someone near and dear who needed to be rescued. Well MIL is neither near or dear and perfectly capable of rescuing herself so RUN.
If she is a "victim" in her marriage, ask if she wants help ending the marriage and arrange for her to speak to a lawyer. Again, if she needs help finding in-home help or a care center after that, offer to help her arrange it.
I'm all in favor of adult children providing reasonable help to their parents. In this case I think that would be for your husband to help his mother find appropriate ways to be on her own, with or without her husband.
At 77 years of age, she is too young to be a permanent resident of your home. AND the potential for a long life with her and her husband seeing each other on weekends is ridiculous.
But you and your husband have to be on the same page about not taking her back in, the drama will affect your marriage and house hold! This is a perfect opportunity to make a clean break. GRAB it!
A psych evaluation while she isin the hospital sounds like a good step, to me.
Calling them out? The poster feels they have been manipulated and wants them to be held accountable. This will not help at all.
What do you want? For your mom and step dad to return to their home? Arrange for that to happen. Also arrange for your mom to have cognitive and mental health workups in the near future.
The results might surprise you.