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Your interests? You mention the gym. Certainly exercise will clear the mind and keep you healthy mentally as well as physically. Art? Writing? Something creative to take your mind in a direction it wants to go, then the return to the unending loop of conversation about pain and pee will be bearable. What about writing down what goes on there as a sort of story telling. I write to my friends about things my mom says and does and it actually becomes quite funny as I write it and my friends love the stories and want me to write a book. But I'm a better painter than writer, so that's what I do.
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I go through it too. Don’t have an answer as I am in the middle of it. I feel others who have come out of it, caregiving behind them, will have more wisdom.

Having said them, I share your pain! I truly empathize with you. Hugs!
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Oh dear - it is hard isn’t it ? Unfortunately pains and how often peeing have become the focus of your mums life. My mum used to be in agony - and their doorways weren’t very wide. So I got a computer chair and pushed her from room to room in that. Despite knowing what I was doing I’d ask her opinion re what vegetables to use for the meals and get her doing what she could. I’d ask her names of the flowers in the garden. Recount funny times we’d had and provide clues for her to recall some memories. Sure, I’d heard them before but it still changed the topic. Crosswords we’d do together - my giving more clues till the answer came.

With my dad, as he liked doing things but couldn’t remember how to mostly, I’d deliberately pop out a lens of my sunglasses and ask him to fix it back in for me. Just needed a bit of pressure. But if he couldn’t it didn’t matter - just kept him busy for a bit. I’d get peas to shell, and we would chat about the large garden he had before and the wine he’d made. Sure I knew it but sometimes a new memory would surface for him.

Distraction therapy of past hobbies and interests helped quite a bit initially. But even these have their limits. If they’ve truly lost interest.

Dad enjoyed my taking him to the pub for Sunday meal. The locals were great and helped him do crosswords etc whilst having a chat. It got he was more concerned about certain kind locals being there when he was than whether I would be around - and I was the one taking him lmao! But that provided a focal point for him. They were great - stenching blood re falls - he was on warfarin. Yelling if he’d fallen in the loo so I could go sort it out .... whilst enabling me to have conversations with others too when there. ( er at the pub - not whilst in the loo!)

Befrienders are volunteers who can sit in with your mum whilst you have a short break - going shopping or to the gym.

Respite care is also invaluable whether day or over night or a few days. It’s good idea to start it so that in the event you need a few days urgently for something they already know how to cater for her needs.

Baring that, try talking to her of your interests, goals, achievements and dreams - hard if they are disinterested but still a topic more of interest to you. Show her old family photos and see if she remembers everyone/events.

I had a freezer full of peeled potatos, carrots, shelled peas, apple sauce - some of which I used in meals but they could peel/ shell more than they could eat!

I’m so sorry as it’s frustrating but I hope you can find a solution that works for you both for a while. It’s an ever changing situation - just as you sort one issue out or make it bearable - it alters or another crops up!

It can help if you see how many many times you can get your mum to laugh or smile at something each day. I found I focussed on that rather the number of repeated comments....

Best of luck and and hope you manage to get to the gym regularly soon.
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Kittybee Aug 2019
You're a great example of resourcefulness and cheerfulness. It can be hard, no question, but if you can make the whole thing into a big project you're doing for yourself - not just for the elders! - that you're learning new skills and getting better at finding solutions to problems - then it becomes a game and an accomplishment that you can see at the end of each day: okay, this and that went really well. Maybe tomorrow I'll try X or Y.
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Thanks. I do get out as mom is not "that bad", yet. But we spend many, many hours together every day. It just feels like groundhog day.

Maybe I just have to purposely get out of the house every day to do something alone or with friends. I've been thinking about getting back to the gym for one thing.

Any ideas for how to steer the convo to more interesting items? Maybe I have to do a google search on conversation starters and one or two prompts in mind of things that *I* find interesting. Yes, it's all about me, right??

Is it totally mean to tell her that unless it is something serious, I really really really don't want to hear about her bathroom issues?

I am the type of person who wants to get to the root of problems and FIX them. Soooo not my mom. She wants to complain and wish her troubles away. Ugh.

I guess today is my day to whine and complain. But, at least, I am trying to improve the situation. At the expense of my dear readers!

Thanks for all the suggestions and compassion. It means a lot.
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 2019
You are NOT whining, nor complaining!! Your trying to retain your sanity💞🙀🙀
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You need some respite hours. You need some getaway time. I am not a person of faith, so don't belong to churches, but people I know who do seem to get community there that is a help even if just to baby sit for one another. Community centers sometimes have caregivers groups; the one in Palm Springs does. I wonder is anywhere where you can, people in like circumstances, or people who need other things done for them, can respite one another. I don't know how you all manage in home care, because even nighttime is not yours with common sleep disorder problems. So sorry. Please try to reach out to find some time that is yours.
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Are you able to get out for a brief period of time? If so, see a movie, browse a bookstore, or call up a friend and meet for lunch. Mental stimulation is good for boredom. We're uncomfortable when our elderly parent makes us the center of their life but it's just as uncomfortable when they become the center of ours.
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