Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 yrs. During that time he went on dialysis for kidney failure and is 2 years post transplant. I was his caregiver during that time and was finally looking forward to somewhat of a normal with him now that the doctor visits have tamed down a bit. His diabetic mobility challenged father (69) was being abused in his marriage and after he recovered from his 5th sepsis infection from the conditions he was living in with his wife, my boyfriend moved him into our house. As we are unmarried I felt that I really couldn't refuse his father moving in. The first week his father moved in, my bf went bowling one day and an all day fishing trip on the weekend. Now he has told me he is going on a 3 day fishing trip this weekend (the second week his father is living with us) and expects me to be ok with it. I barely survived the caregiving I gave the bf for 2 years during dialysis and transplant care that I had to provide and I know the bf hasn't a clue about the caregiving his father will need as needs a wheel chair to move around, needs diabetic wound care, med/insulin schedule, meals prepared, help to go to his many dr visits and is 300 lbs. I feel guilty not wanting to be with my boyfriend anymore and a little selfish for not wanting his father in the house . I can't really talk about this with my friends as only people who have experienced the hell of caregiving would fully understand the thoughts going through my mind. Any 2 cents of wisdom / reassurement would be appreciated.
You deserve so much better, and I just wanted you to know that.
You already were a caregiver to the boyfriend . Now he wants you to be caregiver for his Dad . You are being used.
You are not selfish. And you don't need to be stupid. You state, "As we are unmarried I felt that I really couldn't refuse his father moving in." Wait a minute! That is exactly why you CAN refuse!
You have no obligation to care for a relative of the guy you shack up with! Sorry to put it so bluntly, but we're not talking marriage bonds, familial love and obligation, etc. Nothing like that! You're immediately free, like right this minute, to find another relationship, travel the world, disappear into a huge city, change your name, or none of the above. FREE! Believe it, mean it, and change your phone number so neither of these two losers can find you after you go. And you don't owe them an explanation. Just, "I gotta go now, buh-bye." Then do it.
Good luck with your new life.
I am employed full time , so I do have that going for me. Next step is to find a place to move to, and then start a new chapter in life.
I very much appreciate you all taking a moment to answer this post. This site was recommended to me from a friend and it is proving to be a valuable resource the more I navigate around it :)
Diabetic wounds should be seen by a woundcare nurse. You should not be caring for them. Call his PCP, tell him or her the situation and that you need homecare to come in and dress his wounds. Medicare should pay for this. My daughter is a woundcare nurse and there are things that need to be looked for that you may not see. A diabetic wound can end up causing gangrene. His father could lose a leg. Two of my friends did and they had woundcare.
Guilt requires "causation".
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Usually we use a million excuses in order to give reasons why we aren't moving on with our lives. Guilt is only one of them.
The REAL and most prevalent reason for not moving on with our life is often fear.
Moving on means getting a job. It means getting a place to live. It means great change and it means relying on ourselves.
You aren't married. This is a boyfriend for whom you volunteered years of your life. He now is showing you his thanks. If you hold yourself so unworthy of real love, affection, the protection of marriage, and protection from others "in need" coming in to take over your life, then this will all continue for you.
But don't use excuses such as "guilt". That isn't why you're staying. The correct G-word is GRIEF. You sacrificed yourself for your boyfriend and this is his thanks to you.
You are grieving, and you should be.
You are a grown adult. The decisions you make for your own life are your decisions. Only you will have the suffering or the joy of those decisions, and the HARD WORK. Only YOU will reap the reward of change, or the drudgery of slave labor for someone who couldn't care less what you think about anything. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are no stranger to hard work and fear. You have already done that.
So, next time hubby is on a fishing trip you get out there and get a job. And start saving. Because you are right to be afraid. It's very costly. Look for roommates. Start slow. You already have GREAT experience of caregiving. Go to a nursing home and take any job they have; tell them you saw a boyfriend through kidney transplant and will prove yourself to them. Then do so. You will get a sense of self worth by a job well done that YOU GET PAID for!
I know this is tough to hear. I mean to shake you up. You don't have time to dawdle around here, and if you bring a child into this, this man will likely care about IT as much as he does about YOU.
Move out immediately and don't look back. You've already done way too much for this very ungrateful man.
Good luck.
I think you need to sit down and have a frank and honest talk with your (soon to be ex) boyfriend.
You have to tell him that what he is doing is not fair to you.
If he expects you to HELP (help being the important word here) then he needs to be around as well.
If the dad can pay for caregivers then he should do so.
(I also hope dad is paying his FAIR share of ALL household expenses)
If your (soon to be ex) boyfriend does not see it this way then you need to begin looking for another place to live.
YOU are not responsible for the dad. Do not let your (soon to be ex) boyfriend try to guilt you into caving and taking this on. It is not fair to you!
Your BF is using you as a caregiver, his father is his responsibility not yours and they both will get worse.
This is not a man I would waste one more minute on, I would gather my stuff and move on.
I hope that you will make the right decision for you and your future.