I love my boyfriends mom, he takes care of her. However she demands a lot from me, cleaning, cooking, gardening, shopping and it leaves me tired. I try to do all those things to help him out and entertain her but sometimes I resent it. I'm horrible for thinking this but everytime I visit there, the famous list of chores waiting for he and I. And they have to be done in a timely matter. She is really sensitive and so we don't tell her no because she gets upset. How do I cope without making my boyfriend feel bad? Or her? He already feels terrible about the situation. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to do their chores when I visit?
I can't imagine a girlfriend doing so much for a non-family member. You are kind, but, it's way too much and I'd learn to say what I could do and can't. Practice saying, no, I won't be doing that. I can do this one thing, but, that's all for this week. I'll be happy to provide you with a list of services that can assist though. Your boyfriend should be on top of this by now. Take note of how he's handling it. IF he isn't, I 'd take note of that well. There's a lot to consider when signing on to be a caretaker.
I would be more concerned with myself feeling bad than them. If she's competent and just overstepping, she needs a reminder to stop being rude. Same goes for boyfriend. Also, some people don't feel bad, when they treat other people shabbily. That's why they do it. My philosophy is that I should be more concerned with ME feeling bad than others. And, when you know you're in the right, you will have peace with it.
Plus at the center Mom can make BFF's [best friends forever] that she can telephone on days the center is closed.
Both of you make a list of everything you do, now cross off half of the items, now cross off some more. Don't do anything that isn't on the list. Just say to Mom "sorry, we cannot possibly do that". Yes, she will fret, and you will feel very guilty.
Otherwise, once Mom starts to need more help with her physical care, she will refuse to move from her home, and will refuse to allow caregivers into her home. Why? Because you and her son have enabled her to continue to live in that home. You had to give up your lifestyle in order for Mom to keep her lifestyle. Now I don't mean don't do anything, just do what you enjoy doing.... Mom will need to learn she needs to hire help or downsize into something more manageable.
Oh how I wished I would have set boundaries with my late very elderly parents. I crashed and burned twice from doing things for them, still haven't recovered, and they could have very easily hired people to help.
For now, can you plan a 'fun outing' for the next visit? A meal out? A visit to some gardens? A music program at a nearby church or concert hall? "Oh Mom, we thought you might like a nice outing this weekend. We'll pick you up at ___ time.
If all else fails, I'd encourage BF to tell Mom that the two of you can't do all of the chores and let's get some help to handle it. And then, I agree with SendHelp --- stop visiting or alternate and only visit half the time.
It is not your Mom. Not your family. Not your obligation.
Hard enough to take care of your own home at your age.