My father-in-law has been a widow for 2 years now. He is 81. Am I the a****le for not wanting him to bring woman to our home? If he has relationships that’s his buisiness. But I don’t really want to have a relationship with these woman or hear about it. Especially when 1 week in he brings her over for a sleepover.
suggestions??
If he can gallivant all over looking for woman, he can be on his own. HUD has apartments where rent is 30% of their monthly income. He will need to pay for electric, phone and cable. Phone, Tracfone has affordable phones. You buy minutes every 60 days. I found the one year card better. Cable, he can use an antenna to bring in stations. Stream if he can afford WiFi. Food stamps and food closests. If he can do his own laundry, he can make a sandwich. Throw a frozen dinner in the microwave. Order in. Go out to get himself something to eat. Get his girlfriends to cook for him. Get him at least on the list.
This women reached out to him, this is a scam. She is looking for someone with money, which he does not have. I would watch his finances as closely as I can.
Then this is simple, said in one sentence and done and over with. It is your house, your rules, and you are not open to him having visitors in your home. Period.
If that doesn't work for him he will have to find other living arrangements.
I mean, seriously? That's what this world is coming to, that we judge a person based on how many Facebook "friends" they have?
Tell him to spend $20.00 dollars and take his women to a hot pillow joint. That way, he won't have to worry about paying for the amenties that are stolen out of the hotel rooms.
Your house, your rules.
Don't open your home up to strangers.
get a hotel room or stay at her place.
she lives in a 5th wheel trailer home.
he lives with us due to financial reasons.
prior to mother in law getting sick we had discussed this.
never in a million years did we think she would go first. CANCER SUCKS.
i looked her up on Facebook and she had 1 friend. 1.
the first sleep over was after we said no.
then we told him to stop.
2 weeks later he called on way over and said he was bringing her to meet us.
we were still upset with the whole sleep over and disregard of our feelings and request. My husband said we are sick.
please don’t come over. And he brought her anyway.
He has already had a woman he met up with steal everything from the hotel room, towels, soaps, pillows, etc.
he tried to shove another woman into our lives.
quote frankly I still miss my mother in law.
I’m not ready. She has been part of my life for 40 years.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but I am also not looking for a matriarch of the family.
he cannot live alone. He can wash his own clothes and make a few meals. (breakfast). When we brought up an apartment with care he said no he isn’t ready.
If he doesn't respect and obey your house rules then he moves out, period!
Your husband needs to man up and explain the reality of the situation to his dad.
Dad can have relationships, he most likely is lonely, heck, you miss his wife, imagine how he feels.
You need to get over the idea that a new woman would be the family matriarch, she would ONLY be his new lady. Your attitude would reinforce that, be welcoming but obvious that nobody is going to defer to her as the matriarch, end of.
If you do not want "strange" women in your home tell him.
Actually your husband should be the one to sit him down and have a talk with him.
I am sure these women have their own homes they can take him to if not the Motel down the road should work well.
If FIL dopes not want to play by your rules he can move out.
By the way your husband should mention these "sleepovers" to your FIL's doctor next time he goes, he should be tested for STD's.
Now... my answer would be a different if you and your husband are living in your FIL's home. If it is FIL's home then he can do what he wants...His house his rules.
I never would be so bold.
unfortunately we rent a much larger house to accommodate. He pays a small amount, but that is more to have him take ownership as he acts like we do live in his house. I am fully regretting that decision
If you do not see him as an equal resident in your household, he should move out and get his own place.
I fully support you in not wanting to have a relationship with these women. Also for not wanting to hear about it. It's innappropriate for him to be discussing his private life with you anyway.
However, depending on who's house it is makes a load of difference whether you are the ah or not.
If it is FILs house, he has every right to have guests, when and how he chooses. If you don't like it, you need to move out of his house.
If it is your house, you get to set ground rules and he can live by them or live elsewhere.
As a widow myself, I will admit the second year was harder than the first. I assumed I'd have a new relationship by then, and never did. Not for 23 years now.
I'm older and don't put up with anything I don't like. I live alone and do just fine.
I second that. I'm a widow with eight years in.
People out here are scary. My question is this: What would a man want with a woman my age. I'm way past child bearing age and I'm not looking for marriage.
I'm okay. I need my peace at my golden years.
The only thing I can see coming out of this is a nurse with a purse scenario. This happened to someone I know. She was with a guy for thirty years and decided to get married on year twenty eight. It has been a rocky road for her ever since. He now has dementia and deliberately makes messes, yells at her and generally makes her life miserable. I saw her the other day and she is just scary looking at this point.
Is he bringing people to HIS home or you YOUR home?
I am certain you must know the difference.
As long as Dad is competent he gets to bring whomever he wants to his own home either permanently or temporarily.
Dad doesn't get to bring ANYONE ever to YOUR home, that you don't wish to accommodate.
Maybe this is a good time for FIL to find a place of his own. That way he has his privacy too. If talking about his women makes you uncomfortable, tell him. Say that Moms death is still to soon for you to except his woman friend and you would rather not talk about her. You understand he has moved on, but you have not.
I can see your point. Where does this woman live? Perhaps you should tell your father this is a very uncomfortable situation for you and he should conduct overnights at her place. This may be the time to severe living arrangements together and live separately from father.
Did a living arrangement/rental aggreement take place? Is he paying for any portion of mortgage and has his name on the deed? This is one of the prime reasons contracts should be done before any living arrangements between two generations.
But if he lives with you, that is his home too - and he should be allowed to have guests over just like anyone else that lives there.
I'm curious - is there a reason why you are so against hearing about the friends or relationships in his life? He is probably very lonely and it has been 2 years now since MIL passed. As callous as this sounds, especially men at that age - often move on what feels like very quickly to their families because they miss that companionship and in many cases, they miss the person who took care of them. This is of course not always the case, but it does happen frequently. And 2 years is not really that quickly, especially the older we get.
Now...if it is your home - it is your house rules. If you have impressionable children or teenagers that you don't want exposed to certain relationship aspects, I honestly don't see anything wrong with setting those expectations. You don't want your children introduced to every single woman that passes through his life, and you certainly don't want them exposed to the "overnight sleepovers" especially if that doesn't gel with your family values.
If there aren't any children - it changes the dynamics a bit - but still - you don't want a bunch of random women passing through your home on a regular basis, when you know nothing about them and what they may do while in your home. So I can understand some level of caution both in protecting yourselves and your home, as well as protecting him from scammers and predatory people.
But that being said, having companionship is important, so you will have to balance it with the questions - why does this bother me? (as his DIL). How does my DH feel? Is this a good distraction for him? Is he lonely? Is he being safe? If he making dangerous choices?
As difficult as it is, especially if he lives with you, you will at some point have to come to terms with the fact that he is seeking out relationships now, and if he is competent, his choices are his to make.
Could you and your spouse tell FIL that you are not comfortable with the sleepovers and they would need to stay in a hotel ?
It can be tough to totally exclude someone . You do run the risk of harming the relationship between FIL and your spouse . You haven’t said how your spouse feels about the woman coming over .
But if he’s bringing multiple women , perhaps it’s time he moved out .