my brother is devoted to my mom but treats his sisters very poorly, we are useless girls and he is the man of the house-he is the youngest and thankfully has no control over our lives. My mom loves her only son much more than us sisters-she loves us too though and we accept that she is closest to him. She can see no wrong as he grew into a hot tempered unruly person who is very rude and controlling and hates his sisters-this was better controlled when Dad was alive and always stood up for us. I keep away from him. But he controls everything about mom-she lets him and supports him on everything.. We can only call her at certain times, she will hang up on us for him, do what he says, etc. now she is even more sick and he will not share who her doc is, who the part-time caretaker he has appointed, i cannot come and visit her, etc. he claims that he will tell me only what she needs me to know and that she does not want me to know these, which is nonsense, given my work at a hospital and she always asked health questions of me earlier. he is verbally very abusive, yells a lot and exhibits so much hate its scary-yet I have to kowtow, keep apologizing, because i have no info about mom otherwise. what can i do? i know he will take care of her but I am not sure he knows what exactly to do and we worry so much. its not right that he prevents us from even knowing basic things that we are worried about. am I wrong to want to know these since he is the primary caretaker? Should I just let it be? its too toxic even trying to get any info from him. mom and he do not live in the US, different culture.
isolating your parent is a red flag where elder abuse is concerned.
dont give up. email bro, tell him you think hes doing a great job and you realize its a very difficult job. then tell the dumb f**k that caregiving is best done by a team and youd like to be on the team.
Ironically, the bitter spite and hatred probably come from resentment that you don't do more to help. You know and I know that you don't do more because he is stopping you; but I doubt he factors that in.
I think, in your place, I'd probably just count my blessings that he didn't have any control in my own life. Your mother worships the ground he walks on. Fine. Let's just hope she never has to find out about the feet of clay.
Where are they based, out of interest?
After reading your replies, I feel I should praise him more, given how hard it must be, and just call periodically-that should hint at my availability without offending him.
Credit where it is due. Praise your brother for his devotion to your mother. Do not praise him for being a pig-headed moron who can't recognise help and support when they're offered to him. Do not praise him for refusing to answer perfectly reasonable questions. Do not praise him for preventing your mother from seeing her daughters, if she wishes to.
Best of luck. I still can't help feeling that these two thoroughly deserve each other; but clearly you are a more loving individual than I am, who doesn't want to wash her hands of them. All credit to you, then, too.
I lost my dad, who was my best friend when I was in college; he was very ill for a while and I was his source of medic info, given my hospital interactions. I can speak calmly and logically and that was something he relied on-and he trusted me completely. He died just after I visited him. I felt guilty that I could have done more, I was not proactive enough and too timid and I should have seen it coming, it was staring at my face but I very illogically refused to believe he could possibly die. So my guess is I am overanxious about mom and want to make sure I am proactive about her health and care. I also know my dad would expect and rely on me to do so. I have been calling mom and checking on her without interfering so far to keep the peace. Today, she sounded better enough to speak, she was worried about some things and her health, so I asked about her new caretaker and doctor-and she said what my brother said, that I did not need to know and all I needed to know was she was well taken care of. I know I should feel grateful not to be permitted to be involved with caretaking, given how much people on this forum endure but I am a bit shocked-I guess I never believed my mom would want to exclude me from her care circle, given how she complains and worries about things and always used to call me about them for reassurance. I wonder what I have done so wrong that she should want to exclude me. Everything so far in my relationship with my mom feels like a total charade. I have some growing up to do to be able to accept this so that I can just be available for her at a distance without getting so personal about it.
Your mother is not excluding you, she is freeing you. Against form, against character maybe, against tradition perhaps, she wants you to concentrate on your life, your career, your needs. Accept this as her gift to you.
I completely understand your wanting to 'carry forward' the debt that you (not I!) feel you owe your late father, but you have been released from it. Your mother is being well cared for, by a child who, you must assume, loves her just as much as you do.
If you want to make your mother happy, contact her frequently, send her news of your life (especially but not exclusively the happy bits!), show her that you're thinking of her, tell her that you love her. And above all, do as she asks and try not to worry about her.
She has given you full and free permission to let go of responsibility for her care. Accept it as her blessing.
If your mother is mentally competent and seems to be,happy with the situation, then I would stay out of it. But if you suspect abuse you need to speak up before something terrible happens.
Do what you can do, talk to your mom as much as you can, maybe send her cards occasionally to let her know you're thinking of her, let your brother know you're there if he needs help and know that you've done all that you can do.