I am the only sibling that lives near my mother, who is 86. My brother lives hundreds of miles away. I have been the one looking after mum and sorting out her issues, and have a joint bank account with her since dad died 4 years ago. Now mum has advanced cancer, and due to my brother's personality he seems to think he can send me abusive texts over my so called failings. He is up here at the moment and between him and mum they have decided that she needs to get private caregivers. I wasn’t involved in this and suddenly went from someone that mum phoned numerous times a day to receiving no phone calls. Anyway I’ve been accused of not doing enough for mum, only doing it as I had to, not having any human compassion. As far as he’s concerned I don’t exist, that’s what he put in 4 abusive texts. The final sentence said neither me nor my husband would get an invite to mum's funeral. He’s also got mum to transfer her money to another bank account that I know nothing about and he tells relatives he has POA. I’ve sent his texts to relatives and they are finding it hard to believe that he has acted this way and sent these texts. He did the same when dad died 4 years ago. Abusive texts. This time he also swore at my husband and threatened to assault him. What do I do? He has banned me from dealing with the doctor, the hospital, her prescriptions and phoning the house or going to mum's house. Obviously he can’t do these things but he seems to think this is normal and he has this right. I’ve now blocked him and I am no contact with him. I see mum at the hospital when I know he won’t be there. Mum thinks the sun shines out of him. He is a bully and I don’t know what to do now or going forward when mum dies. I don’t want to be in the same room as him. I have taken mum to her appointments, shopping, got her prescriptions, taken her to the supermarket, everything. Now I’m the devil.
She's the one to blame for the situation you're in.
Your brother sounds super controlling and dangerous. Since you don't have legal say--you will have to do something to prove brother is unhinged. I think GA made some great comments and I'd follow through.
This post serves as a warning to the rest of us to make sure our families know what we WANT, who we WANT to be our mouthpiece when/if the time comes.
Family is great until it isn't. Sadly, what you are going through is very, very common.
From one 'devil' to another.
Do not let your brother ruin your peace of mind with threats of any kind. She will need nursing care at the end when organs start failing; it is best to start visiting the cancer center to see a counselor about the process and your grief, if you haven't already. Glad to hear that you blocked him; hope your husband has too.
Why did you not have Mom assign you POA while you were caring for her? She seems of sound mind. I think you need to step back and take advantage of not being called on 24/7. This is how it is sometimes. The one doing all the work, usually the girl, gets no recognition of the work she does. Why...its expected. Women's lives and jobs seem indispensable. Not a boys. They do nothing but always the Golden ones. TG my parents appreciated me. My Dad even thanked me for doing for my Mom what my brothers never seemed important.
That’s what my sibling did and the bank told me it was perfectly legal
In my area, the local county has a department which handles these emergency type restrictive orders. A judge signs, based on the petitions, (and in our case) w/o a hearing. The Sheriff or other LEO serves the order on the defendant.
This will at least keep him away from you.
You could also ask about getting the same kind of legal restraints on behalf of your mother, or ask the LEOs how to get this accomplished. I don't know whether a TRO could prevent him from reassigning and meddling with her assets; ask that of the LEO you see.
These kinds of threats suggest someone with mental impairment, anger issues, and danger to family.
It seems as if your brother is the golden child in mom’s eyes and this happens so often nowadays.
My brother did the same thing to me & even went so far as to take my mom to a lawyer to amend her trust 100% to him. I now have a lawyer trying to fight him using undue influence over my mom with dementia.
Let this be a lesson to everyone……do not do any caretaking unless you have medical & financial POA.
My sibling has forever ruined the relationship we once had. Best wishes to you.
So now my Dad has dementia and has needed help the last 6 years and because I was the closest and because I actually DO care about my Dad, I've taken care of him. Cleaned his apartment, got him aids, moved him to assisted living and now moved him into a Nursing home. Luckily I'm POA. So I do control his assets and use them for my Dad's care.
But my golden-child brother demands he get all the funds that remain. He says "Dad wanted me to have his money." He even convinced my father when he had dementia to give him the passwords to his account so he could continue to essentially pay himself rent from my Dad's accounts when my Dad no longer had the faculty to say No.
So anyway what I'm trying to say is - I can sympathize with your plight! There are greedy evil people all over this world. I have even agreed to give all the funds left to my greedy brother because I don't want nor NEED my father's money. But yeah - my brother still is complaining that I'm spending too much on my Dad's care - that he doesn't really need it... He's absolutely insane.
Sorry didn't mean to make this about me but I did. Yeah - I mean all I can say is just keep doing what you're doing I guess. Without that POA you don't have a lot of legal recourse. You can just try and see your Mom when he's not there like you're doing. I suppose you could talk to a lawyer if you're not sure your brother has POA and if he doesn't, you could get POA. Also you can report people for elder abuse if you feel your brother is not doing his duty in caring for your mom - you'll need evidence of this.
Good luck - hang in there.
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