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I have been the caregiver for mom past 10 years with dementia. We lived together 56 years. My sister is the POA she said mom needs 2 week transition period we did , then she said another week, that and now she wants to limit me to 2 days a week. One weekly and one day weekend, she first said so I can get on my life and dont worry about mom. Well moms my life mom loves my visits and smiles all the time, but occasionally she says she wants to go home. So she claims its my fault mom see me wants to go home or stays up at night. There is more to it but cannot list all. Do I have any rights? Or should I sit back and let mom see me less and forget me?

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I suggest if there is a meeting you tell them they need to set aside more than 15 min. My first care meeting I had questions to ask. But what happened is they brought in people I had never seen before and they preceded to tell me what they had been doing. When I tried to ask questions I was told there was another meeting. Each meeting was 15 min. I told them that the first meeting should be longer for questions.

POAs are not assigned in Wills. Because, POAs stop at time of death and the Executor takes over. There are separate papers made up for POAs. One for financial the other for medical. Your sister should have these copies.
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I'm so sorry I didn't see your response to me earlier, Joan.

Your sister is wrong. It's very frustrating and upsetting, but she's only wrong - she's not being intentionally cruel or evil.

And, this is a long game. God willing, there will be ample time to continue to support your mother and improve her quality of life without doing anything drastic.

What your sister isn't allowing for is the importance of continuity in your mother's sense of wellbeing and security. When she remained at home, although there were new faces her environment hadn't changed and she felt secure in her familiar surroundings. I don't doubt that the time has come when she needs the structure of a memory care unit, but since her whole environment has changed then she needs that familiarity from something else. Possessions can help, and so of course can people if the people are working closely with the care team.

The "complete temporary break from family contact in order to speed adjustment" theory is common. I expect it even works sometimes, especially if the facility's staff are very good and the family is more of a hindrance than a help.

But complete means complete, and there is some logic behind the idea even if it makes no allowances for individuals. I'm not sure what your sister thinks infrequent visits will accomplish. I doubt if she is, either, beyond pulling a vague number out of a hat and thinking of it as a compromise.

Be patient. Go to your two visits per week and build a strong working relationship with the staff. Time will pass quickly, and as it goes on you will be better placed to argue for increased frequency, with the backing of your mother's care team.

POA has nothing to do with wills, by the way, except that people often do all the paperwork at the same time because it's convenient to "put their affairs in order." You seem sure that your sister is your mother's medical POA/health proxy? - very often this role is combined with welfare in general, such as decisions about where to live. Is there any way you can see her documentation?
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Your sister has asked you to keep to this schedule while your mother settles into the nursing home, yes? And so far you have, but now you and your sister disagree about how often you should visit.

When you say "restrict visitation" - what is your sister planning to do about this? If this is just a difference of opinion between the two of you, isn't it a bit premature to be worrying about your "rights"?

I suggest you both have a meeting with a senior member of the care team at the nursing home and agree a schedule. If your mother's only been there for a few weeks she probably does still need to settle in, but the theory that she'll settle better with fewer visits is not always correct - it depends on the individual.
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Joan123 Feb 2020
Thank you for replying back. We had 2 separated transition periods at my home and they worked great I stay home from work while the caregivers and mom connected. Well this 2 week transition at the facility I wasnt included which I should have been since it worked before. Well onetime my mom was never told she was going. My sibling said oh mom wouldnt know the difference I said yes, well she was brought to breakfast and ride like any other day and just dropped off , showed her room and then sibling said we have to go it will be better for her. I didnt even get to kiss her or say good by. So 2 weeks went by I had my visits and noticed a lot whats going on and things I didnt tlike i was told my been asking to go home when I visit and its my fault. So no seeing mom another week. Only week later on her birthday. 2-4 time only. And told now 2 days a week only one during the week and one day on the weekend. The sibling said the facility didnt say this I-said it because I can and I am the POA. We found out the POA wasnt changed recently on her new will and the old one cannot be found, so not sure if sibling or other family member is the POA, neverless found out she has medical authority. But how can this be a medical issue. Mom stayed up when she was home and wanted to leave the house. So how is this my fault. Just becuase mom knows who I am not others siblings because they never visited. Sorry so long. Imam just heartbroken and I know this is causing mom stress, this home isnt the best I see. Alot going on.
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The transitions are very hard for everyone. Do not take it personally. It could easily be the facility is asking for visits to be limited, it happens very often.

And it is for you too. You need to work on getting your life going. You lived with mom for 56 years? It will be hard for you, no doubt. Any chance there may be some codependency? Seek a therapist to help you successfully transition to life without having to care for mom 24/7.

You did a good job and now you need to do a very good job of doing good things for you.
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Joan123 Feb 2020
Thank you for reply back, I am not taking it personally. i have more time with mom than others siblings i am not married and no kids and I have plenty of later years for myself. This is what I want now while mom remembers and before she gets for frail.
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You can challenge the POA's actions in court. You can petition the court for guardianship. If your sister decides to fight it could turn into a big battle.

I have to ask. If you were your mom's caregiver for 10 years, why is your sister the POA?
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Joan123 Feb 2020
Thank you for replying back. My siblings decided since I will be the caregiver and I am closer than others I would have a hard time to let go mom when the time goes. I couldn't make that decision, we all discussed this would long be at the end of her life choices, I just cannot understand how my sister is blaming me for mom wanting to come home and stay up late. a night or two. Mom is not getting violent or trying to hurt herself its just overtired. She did all this at home, got up and roamed the house at 2, 3, 4 in the morning. i was sven told by sibling its the dementia disease.
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Transition to what, hon. Is your Mom now in care in a nursing facility? It is often recommended that family stay away for a while for "adjustment" to occur. I am not certain if that is what is happening here. If your sister is her health care POA, then, yes, likely she has a right to comply and insist that YOU comply with what the nursing home is suggesting to help Mom adapt. For myself I have never seen that this whole "seperation" helps except with the most demented of patients. For those in early stages of dementia it often causes profound grief and confusion, but that is my opinion only.
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Joan123 Feb 2020
Thank you so much for replying back. My mom still remembers some bit. We never been separated like this is yes, by keeping away it is causing profound grief and confusion. The facility told me directly they are listening directly to my sister only if she says 2 days a week then I have to listen, she if a doctor there said this is best but no its my sisters doing. Its not for the best. We will see we all have a meeting tomorrow. I know nothing will come out of it because facility admin is taking all orders from my sibling.
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