My father in law is 80, lives alone, a mile from my husband and I. My sister in law lives 185 miles away. Shes insist on being the emergency number, the person the doctor calls etc.. She'll come up and stay and week at a time then go home. But, she gets upset about having to stay and wants him to move down there with her. He won't. When she is here, she "babies" him. Makes his food, brings it to him, gets his RX, tucks his dishtowel under his chin etc.. stuff his wife used to do for him. He still drives very well, goes to town, mows the lawn all that. He recently had a minor heart attack, and now she is freaking out. It's like she thinks she is the only one that can take care of her. We go over there everyday, we live a mile away. I take food to him, I get his meds ready if he needs it. But, I think he depends on her to much. He wouldn't go get his bld checked where he should, until he talked to her, because he didn't believe us, that it was the right place. She writes everything down the doctor says, but won't confront the doctor with questions (I do that) I feel like saying "Ok, you want complete control, I'm out" I just don't think it's good for him, that she is doing everything for him. Or am I wrong? He loves it, but he was used to his wife doing it for so many years until 3 years ago, when he lost her. He is lonely, but I want to take him to the Senior center, or where all the older men met for breakfast. I've mentioned it her, she just says yeah, that's a good idea. Worse is, she is a nervous wreak. What to do? Stay out of? Husband is no help, he stays out of it!
Your husband wants you to stay on top of it? Naughty. If he wants to be involved in his father's care, he can involve himself and not volunteer you for the job.
One other point (bit of a tender one with me at the moment): DO continue to include your FIL in your family goings-on - celebrations, activities, anything that's practical for him. Don't let him end up out of sight, out of mind.
You are a lovely girl to have your FIL's best interests at heart.
B notified us that discharge nurse said fil had picked them. None of us knew about that! Next day I went to visit and of course sil is there too. (several doctors and nurses thought she was his wife, since she is there 25/7) My husband and I wanted to know why he picked B. He said because he talked them and liked them. SIL said "I didn't see any difference in them." I replied "Really? I did." she said "Really, you did, like what?". So, I started pointing out the differences. Bigger rooms, separate dining hall, menu a la carte, more visiting rooms, homier decor etc.. She rolled her eyes and said I thought they were the same. I said I didn't think so. She said "Well, we know you are pushing A." I said "You asked me what the differences were so I was telling you." she said Tell him, I was getting huffy, it didn't matter to her where he went etc.. I just replied "You asked me what I saw was different." My fil said "Hey, stop this, it's about me" and was starting at me, so I got up and left.
My husband talked to him! I couldn't believe it. Told him he should have heard both options, otherwise, why did we tour them. Fil said I was trying to push A, hubby said no, she wanted to make sure you knew there was options. Said he thought sil was hovering to much and for 3 years we did fine taking care of them and now sil is acting like she is the only one that can. Fil said yes, but your wife doesn't get up until 9 or 10:00. Hubby said no she gets up at 5:30 with me. Hubby that just shows, he want and is loving the company of sil being there all the time. But, he asked him what are you going to do when she goes home dad? When your in rehab and she isn't there all the time? Sil has manipulated him into believing only she can take care of him, denies that she cared if the doctor called her or not, when that was upsetting her so much, when they called me. I want to see fil, but not sure if I'm even wanted around, seeing how they fil and sil believe I am being pushy. If anything, I've been walking on eggshells. Like my husband says, once she leaves, we are still here. I don't want to go visit and check on him, but I do. By the way she lives another state has husband, daughters and grandchildren and has been up here for 4 weeks straight. Never once going home. Is that not smothering? It's not like he is terminal. They are trying to get INR straightened out before the transfer him. I feel like cutting everyone off and stopping my stress before I go crazy. If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her.
As time goes by and your FIL requires more help, your SIL will come to appreciate your involvement.
It can be hard as a caregiver to know where to draw the line. If possible, maybe have a low-key conversation with your sister-in-law about her views on caregiving and why she chooses to do so much for her dad. I finally realized I was doing too much for my mom and stepped back and let her do until she couldn't do for herself any more. But I value personal independence, and others don't.
I think for your FIL's benefit, you should stay as involved as you can, without making yourself crazy. Your FIL and sis need your balance in their unbalanced relationship, if it's not too frustrating for you. So it's your husband's father that we're talking about? Why isn't he more involved? Do he and his sister get along?