Can I just say no?
Hey all, a few of you may remember my previous posts about my grandmother who broke her arm, and only a week later had a massive stroke.
The past few days have been a nightmare. Though she is doing well, and in physical therapy (much to her complaints) the nurses and social worker are saying they can only treat her for 21 days and then have to send her home, regardless of her condition!!! It is just her and I here with no family support, and I KNOW I am not physically or mentally capable of caring 24/7 for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. The issue is, her daughter (my mother) has POA, and (with the doctors backing her up) has basically told me "oh, you'll do great! You always have. We believe in you" aka "we are going to take away the next 5-10 years of your life and you have no say in the matter."
I have talked to the area on aging, her doctors, and even a couple of elder care attorneys, voicing my concerns only to be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care.
I am sick to my stomach, crying frequently, and scared out of my mind. Can they really dump full responsibility on me with no recourse? Am I able to just refuse and move out to let them figure it out? I know this must sound really selfish but I have been caring for my family since I was 11 years old, even up to when my grandmother has the stroke, and I honestly feel that they are not taking mine, or my grandma's health and safety into consideration.
I'm only 27, and even if it's a late start, I still have some chance of making a future for myself. Right now I feel like I'm standing before judge and jury waiting for a death sentence. I feel horrible for essentially punishing my grandma for something out of her control, and other people's lack of empathy, but I feel like I'm losing my mind, and am afraid for both of us if I get forced into this. And sugestions are welcomed.
Oh honey! (I do not say that in a condescending manner... just in a sympathetic one:) You are NOT stuck, but you are going to have to be very strong and stand up for yourself in a way others may not be used to.
To your mother... “As POA, you are responsible to get proper care arranged for Gma... I am not it, so you should start looking elsewhere.”
Let all flattering language roll off of you and do not argue specifics AT ALL because that turns it into a back and forth. It gives her something to grab hold of and make you feel badly about. You say that sentence over and over again in front of a mirror. Then, you say it to the doctor, the attorney, your mom and anyone else who wants to guilt you into this.
This is not your mess and you have zero responsibility here... even if you have been living with her up until now. This kind of care is above and beyond, and it is up to HER CHILDREN to figure it out, not her granddaughter.
And you need to understand that what they are saying about you having no say in her care is true... BUT that is not something for you to fear because there are two parts to that - of which you are only hearing one. The other piece that no one is mentioning is that you have no responsibility for her care. None.
You may need to start thinking about new living arrangements but you stay calm and be a person of few words in this.
“If you don’t choose to provide Gma with proper care, Mom, that is your choice. I think it would be foolish and unkind and irresponsible, but it is your choice. I can’t make your choices for you. I can only make mine. I will not provide care in this situation... the game has changed. If I need to move out, I will do so in a reasonable timeframe, but from this point forward, I will provide NO care in this matter. I will visit Gma and kiss her forehead and bring her flowers, but I will not be providing any kind of care.”
Do not get dragged into into an argument.
And please do check back on this site regularly as you navigate this... there is much wisdom and kindness here and people will help you firm up your resolve and give you tools to move forward in a healthy manner. It is hard to break free of old patterns, but I can hear that you are at a critical juncture. You can do this. You have much ahead of you... even if you have to get through some weeds first.
I honestly wish I could thank everyone who responded individually, but I wouldn't know what to say except thank you a million times over. I was crying yesterday reading everyone's replies, and felt a glimmer of freedom for the first time in so many years. Everyone's advice and strength gave me hope.
I called a family friend who is a notery, and explained the situation. With their help I drafted, and had noterized, several dated copies of a letter stating that I was no longer physically or mentally capable of caring for my grandma. That I felt, with the dramatic change in her health, it was a very unsafe situation, and that releasing her back to her home, would be very dangerous as she would be there alone.
Luckily the laws here provide me some protection (because I have lived there for more than 2 years) and I added that I would be moved out within 3 weeks. This allows me to at least have several applications/interviews lined up, if not a job by the time I leave.
I gave one copy to my mother (suprised pikachu face meme), one to the hospital my grandma is currently in, and one to the facility they were originallu going to send her to. I also kept a copy for myself, along with 1 extra copy incase it is needed later for a different facility/ lawyer (yes even after all this the threats of neglect contenue)
The ensuing chaos has admittedly given me some form of grim satisfaction, as the facility they were originally going to send her to was short term only, and cannot accept her without a home care plan. The hospital is now forced to look into other options, and has already contacted my mother about medicaid, assests, ect.
I know one person asked about assests as well, wondering if maybe my mother was after some of her belongings/ money. I can honestly say she has next to nothing. She gets around $1000 a month in social security, no other retirement fund, and a mobile home as old as I am that has fallen into disrepair over the years (nothing unsafe/ unsanitary, just normal old trailer wear/ tear) she does have a life insurance policy, with me as sole beneficiary, but does not come to full term until next year (I have already checked with them and one of the conditions of her policy is that if she is placed in LTC, it is considered paid) and from what I was told, cannot be taken by medicaid because it is not "real or personal property"
I stayed with the friend I will be living with, and had a long discussion with him and his family. We have been close for almost 10 years, and his family is amazing to me. His dad is happy that I will be staying, and joked that I could live there for the rest of my life, in exchange for one homecooked meal a week. (he and his dad both work with heavy machinery/ mobile cranes and work insane hours, mostly living off fast food/ microwavables.) They are setting up two/ three rooms for me, a bedroom, plus a spare room for an office/ art room/ ect of my choosing, connected by a bathroom inbetween them.
I am overwelmed by everyone's kindness and advice. I know I still have a long road ahead, both in looking for a job and moving, as well as re-learning many social skills and reforming a support system. I hope that over time I can move past this, that my grandma will forgive me, and that I can learn to live normally, away from the entitled, hectic world I have known for so long.
Thank you again so much for all of your love and advice, and I will update again when I am able/ if something new happens.
Then, get busy... doing anything but engaging with these people. You don’t have to be mean or snotty... just stay very even and do not explain yourself beyond the above. If they ask why you aren’t around and you feel you need to answer, a simple, “I have my own responsibilities and future to work on.”
I know part of it is being a bit...jaded? (Not sure if thats the right term, but its the closest I can think of) It felt odd for them to say "you have no authority decision wise, but if you refuse we will have you arrested" if she was still living here I could understand, because I would be leaving her helpless, but this is a real opportunity to get her more professional help, better than I could ever think of accomplishing.
Moving out is no issue, where I only have a few years of work history due to caregiving, I don't really have any possessions outside of my clothes and a sketchbook/ drawing supplies which all fit into a backpack, and my cat (my tiny soul mate). One of the few friends I have who knows everything that is going on (bless his heart, he deserves a metal) has offered to let me stay with him while I start work, and can either stay permanently after or move into my own place when I feel ready.
Thank you for easing my mind some on the subject, and making me feel less selfish about my own needs.
Move out now while your grandmother is still an inpatient. Then, stop answering telephone calls from the hospital and your mother and let your mother deal with the hospital social worker.
The hospital will not dump your grandmother at home alone. If your mother abandons your grandmother, the hospital will make arrangements that are safe. You need to remove yourself from the equation because, right now, everybody is taking advantage of you.
I won't give your useless mom your forwarding address, her lifestyle will catch up to her again and she will try to guilt you into taking care of her. Nope! It is time for you.
You are obviously a wise and caring young lady. God bless you for everything that you have provided for your loved ones. That you can see the situation is no longer sustainable puts you ahead of many caregivers twice your age. You will go far in life.
Stay strong, stay determined and stay away from users! Hugs!
I will disagree STRONGLY with YOUR COMMENT that YOU are being selfISH. You are rather being self aware, self concerned, and self caring.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AMAZING SELF EMANCIPATION!!!!!
Aquacrush
Jul 17, 2019
Not sure how else to update, so I guess this is as good as any.
I honestly wish I could thank everyone who responded individually, but I wouldn't know what to say except thank you a million times over. I was crying yesterday reading everyone's replies, and felt a glimmer of freedom for the first time in so many years. Everyone's advice and strength gave me hope.
I called a family friend who is a notery, and explained the situation. With their help I drafted, and had noterized, several dated copies of a letter stating that I was no longer physically or mentally capable of caring for my grandma. That I felt, with the dramatic change in her health, it was a very unsafe situation, and that releasing her back to her home, would be very dangerous as she would be there alone.
Luckily the laws here provide me some protection (because I have lived there for more than 2 years) and I added that I would be moved out within 3 weeks. This allows me to at least have several applications/interviews lined up, if not a job by the time I leave.
I gave one copy to my mother (suprised pikachu face meme), one to the hospital my grandma is currently in, and one to the facility they were originallu going to send her to. I also kept a copy for myself, along with 1 extra copy incase it is needed later for a different facility/ lawyer (yes even after all this the threats of neglect contenue)
The ensuing chaos has admittedly given me some form of grim satisfaction, as the facility they were originally going to send her to was short term only, and cannot accept her without a home care plan. The hospital is now forced to look into other options, and has already contacted my mother about medicaid, assests, ect.
I know one person asked about assests as well, wondering if maybe my mother was after some of her belongings/ money. I can honestly say she has next to nothing. She gets around $1000 a month in social security, no other retirement fund, and a mobile home as old as I am that has fallen into disrepair over the years (nothing unsafe/ unsanitary, just normal old trailer wear/ tear) she does have a life insurance policy, with me as sole beneficiary, but does not come to full term until next year (I have already checked with them and one of the conditions of her policy is that if she is placed in LTC, it is considered paid) and from what I was told, cannot be taken by medicaid because it is not "real or personal property"
I stayed with the friend I will be living with, and had a long discussion with him and his family. We have been close for almost 10 years, and his family is amazing to me. His dad is happy that I will be staying, and joked that I could live there for the rest of my life, in exchange for one homecooked meal a week. (he and his dad both work with heavy machinery/ mobile cranes and work insane hours, mostly living off fast food/ microwavables.) They are setting up two/ three rooms for me, a bedroom, plus a spare room for an office/ art room/ ect of my choosing, connected by a bathroom inbetween them.
I am overwelmed by everyone's kindness and advice. I know I still have a long road ahead, both in looking for a job and moving, as well as re-learning many social skills and reforming a support system. I hope that over time I can move past this, that my grandma will forgive me, and that I can learn to live normally, away from the entitled, hectic world I have known for so long.
Thank you again so much for all of your love and advice, and I will update again when I am able/ if something new happens.
Helpful Answer (33)
I think part of the mindset of pushing this on me stem from the simple fact of, they always have. And now that I'm getting older and seeing more and learning more about myself, and pushing back, they don't know how to handle it. I've honestly enjoyed the time I've had with all of my family members, and have never minded caring for them, but it is reaching a point that I feel like there is a huge safety concern.