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Remove the phone and let her use yours! If possible, block his number from her phone. Avoid confrontation with your brother as not good for you or her!
Get a print out of a text/texts that badgers your Mother for money. Most counties in our state have PFA Offices that you can just walk into and get a temporary order and a hearing date in front of a Judge. PFA's are not for just wives or husbands against one or the other. There are many avenues to take with agencies that protect elders from abuse. When it came to abuse, the agency in my town did not protect my Mother from abuse. They took the case and tried to close any other avenue for relief without being of help or relief. I found them to be political. I talked to an Elder Law Attorney from a big firm who had the Medicare Law confused with Medicaid Law. He was very arrogant. Further a private Attorney we hired upon recommendation of a Caretaker Agency created more confusion and did not comprehend the situation. You are fortunate the Facility is not aligned with your brother or other family members against you and your Mother. We had to suffer through abuse of my Mother and dragging me through the mud before the Facilities acts were so egregious and negligent that an Eye Surgeon from a prestigious University stepped in and wrote a letter to the Facility placing blame for Mother's sudden and rapid deterioration of her Glaucoma jumping to severe condition on the months that Mother was being given her eyedrops by their Personal Care Nurses. This is backed up with tests that were done in six month intervals from 2 years prior to Mother being forced into Personal Care and at the beginning of her stay and there three months later. No one objected when my son and I moved Mother to a better facility except our Attorney who yelled at me for being "selfish" to move Mother to a facility near our home. It is heavenly. By all means take the advice in all the answers above. I took all the advice that Aging Care suggested. We got her out of an abusive situation. One other thought, I remember when my brother was yelling at my Mother "give me the money" and he was shaking his fists at Mother at an Eat'N Park where we all went to breakfast together 7 years ago. She helped my brother and his family out for years and sent 3 of his children to college and when I was in bad position Mother helped me out. He was insisting that he gets "equal." I thought then we should get a PFA. Mother would not be a good witness. She treats everyone lovingly even in the worst situations. Will the Facility back you up that badgering is harmful to your Mother? Do they see that she is getting upset? Document and take notes on all calls and everything you can. My brother is supportive since he found out how round the clock caretakers would cost over $200,000.00 per year. Myself with the help of my son are with Mother 24 x 7. My cousin is out of he picture. When he got back from Aspen and we had already moved in to the new facility. We meet him for lunch. He wanted to get involved out here. I started asking him questions about his relationship with the administrator and certain staff at the old facility. I linked the dots about where all the troubles for us came from and I told him to please share with me the input on Mother's health when he wasn't listed as a contact and rarely see or talks to Mother. I asked him what he said. (He had no authority to butt in. I am POA of Health Care not him. Mother will never regain the health and independence she had) He is a retired Dr. He knows how much Mother suffered and he wants to pretend that he is a valuable resource when his input almost did away with her. These are blessed years. Do all you can to protect your Mother.
Absolutely! Hopefully he doesn't have access to her bank account or he'd probably go in there and drain it dry. What I would do if I were you is start by calling the cops and APS and reporting him. Ask for a permanent restraining order. Then, go to an eldercare lawyer and if necessary, become her guardian if she's incompetent. If she's competent and if she happens to be conscious, ask her what she wants to do to protect herself since it's her responsibility to make decisions if she's competent. I would strongly advise her not to give this person a cent, especially if he happens to waste money. If he's been in her wallet and she carries cash, this is exactly why it's always smart to keep it all in the bank since people can go in your wallet and steal from you. I have a certain strategy to protect myself in case I ever lose my wallet. That way, no one can get a thing from me. I keep all of my money in savings and even offsite in an able account that happens to not have a debit card! Able accounts were made for people with disabilities who also happens to be on Social Security or any other type of federal benefits involving Social Security. I think someone had us in mind when some of the accounts were designed to not have debit cards. It's important to take the proper steps to protect yourself at any age, especially as you age and what you're describing is just one more of those reasons. I've heard your type of situation before, it's no surprise to me. In fact, I've heard it all before. The more I hear about the different ways people are financially abusing and exploiting the elderly and disabled, the more ways I can think of to protect my own money from greedy hands. Everything I learned made me the digital banker than I am today. The more sad stories like yours I hear, the more I wish everyone went digital because it's the bank who holds your money and keeps records for you. It's sad when people don't trust banks because this often turns out to be to their detriment. I've heard sad stories where people have stuffed money in their mattresses or in the wall only for someone else to find it later. One particular lady stuffed all of her money into her mattress, I think it was right around or over 1 million bucks. No one including her daughter knew this, and one day her daughter decided to surprise her with a new mattress and tossed the old one. It wasn't until her mom came home that she found out about the new mattress and literally threw a fit. That's when the family found out about the money in the mattress and sadly, the mattress had already headed to the landfill. I don't know if they were ever able to retrieve the mattress, I hope so for this lady's sake. She needed that money in her old age and it would've likely been someone's inheritance. There was another situation where someone had their money in the wall and someone else found it during renovation. It was a very large amount like several thousand dollars in cash. I'm sure most of us hurting financially would've kept it but the finder must not have needed it that badly because he tried looking for the right full owner. Another similar situation was someone who bought a house and found a load above the drop ceiling. If there was ever a flood, fire, or some other form of natural disaster there's no way to recover that money. Anytime you keep money at home it's a much bigger risk than keeping it in the bank. If something happens at home that money is gone forever whereas the bank keeps records and can recover lost money. I hope in your particular type of case your brother hasn't stolen cash or cards from her wallet. If he stole cash from her wallet, she'll never see it again. If it came from her bank account and it's within a certain time after the money was spent or withdrawn, the bank can and will recover it for her. It sounds to me like he's probably living off her money to some extent and it needs to be stopped. She's not going to be here forever and someone needs to ask him what he's going to do when she's no longer there to shell it out. She's in a situation now where she needs her money in case she has an expense her insurance won't cover, which was likely what helped inspire the able act. Too many people whose insurance wouldn't cover needed prescriptions and other prescribed things and they impoverished person also couldn't cover it which caused them to do without what they needed. Sometimes doing without what you absolutely need can be detrimental to your health and even your life. All of this was most likely what led to the eventual able act. Hopefully in your mom's case someone can step in to protect her since it's hard for her to protect herself especially with COPD. I knew someone with COPD and life for those particular types of people is especially hard as the COPD progresses. I've noticed that usually people who have smoked for long enough eventually end up with COPD and it sounds to me like your mom was probably a smoker like the rest. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she probably needs a nebulizer like some asthmatics do. I've seen what happens to someone with advanced COPD and how often they can go to the ER even unnecessarily. I noticed when an elderly friend who had COPD either got stressed or went to long without his meds or even didn't take enough of it would go into an attack. To make matters worse, it was found out he also had asthma but he had the wheezing type whereas I have the post pertussis (whooping cough) cough variant asthma. Going too long without your breathing treatments will trigger an attack, especially in your situation where your brother is harassing your mom. If you've been noticing far more attacks than usual then you need to get him away from her before he causes her to need a trip to the ER because this will happen with COPD when someone becomes so stressed they go into a stress related attack. The same thing can happen with asthma believe it or not. Yes, you really need to take steps to look out for your mom especially with respiratory conditions. What you need to do is get a hold of an eldercare lawyer who can help you all through this. I would also bring up to your lawyer that if this brother causes your mom to need a trip to the ER then he needs to be sued for reimbursement for the medical expenses he caused. I certainly know what I'm talking about because I've seen what happens when someone with COPD or even asthma is stressed by someone or something. This is why these kinds of people need protection because asthma or COPD attacks are sometimes fatal. Someone needs to protect your mom whether it be you or someone else trustworthy. It sounds to me like your mom is most likely in a very stressful situation right now and she can't handle it given her condition. Yes, please start by talking to her if possible and try to discourage her from given that brother one more dime. In fact, I don't know if he's ever repaid her, maybe not. If not, you may want to speak to your eldercare lawyer and go after the money he's already gotten from her even if it means garnishing his bank account and freezing all assets.
Another smart move is to change any phone numbers she has and give her trusted contacts the new phone numbers
A court issued restraining order is what is needed. A POA cannot legally prevent visitation. Blocking phone numbers, not giving mom the phone, telling him he cannot call all violate mom's right to have any visitors she wants, even if those visits/calls upset her. Only a court can take away anyone's rights and this includes elders with dementia. In order to place legally restrictions a court order is required. Unfortunately, in many jurisdictions law enforcement is busy with other issues but it is still illegal to unilaterally restrict contact as many have suggested the POA do.
I would get the restraining order and make sure it's included that he can't come near her. Who knows if he will start showing up in person if he can't reach her via phone. So sorry you are stuck with a such a dirtbag for a sibling.
If you need help with a restraining order, you may have to hire an elder attorney. I found out that having POA is not what it is cracked up to be, as it does not have the backing of the court. I am so sorry for the burden you carry and for the fissures breaking your family apart.
like 20Eagle16 said - and you can block the calls if on a cellphone. oh, sorry Stangela, you said it before me. you can also hang up and not give the phone to your mother.
Desperate people behave in desperate, cruel ways. I am so sorry for you and your dear Mom to have to bear such cruelty. My Mom was so co-dependent with my brother he ruined her finances . He overdosed for the last time leaving her alone with Alz. I am now blessed with the highest calling in life, loving and caregiving for a parent til the end. You protect her and yourself with all the authorities available immediately!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Avoid confrontation with your brother as not good for you or her!
One other thought, I remember when my brother was yelling at my Mother "give me the money" and he was shaking his fists at Mother at an Eat'N Park where we all went to breakfast together 7 years ago. She helped my brother and his family out for years and sent 3 of his children to college and when I was in bad position Mother helped me out. He was insisting that he gets "equal." I thought then we should get a PFA. Mother would not be a good witness. She treats everyone lovingly even in the worst situations.
Will the Facility back you up that badgering is harmful to your Mother? Do they see that she is getting upset? Document and take notes on all calls and everything you can. My brother is supportive since he found out how round the clock caretakers would cost over $200,000.00 per year. Myself with the help of my son are with Mother 24 x 7. My cousin is out of he picture. When he got back from Aspen and we had already moved in to the new facility. We meet him for lunch. He wanted to get involved out here. I started asking him questions about his relationship with the administrator and certain staff at the old facility. I linked the dots about where all the troubles for us came from and I told him to please share with me the input on Mother's health when he wasn't listed as a contact and rarely see or talks to Mother. I asked him what he said. (He had no authority to butt in. I am POA of Health Care not him. Mother will never regain the health and independence she had) He is a retired Dr. He knows how much Mother suffered and he wants to pretend that he is a valuable resource when his input almost did away with her. These are blessed years. Do all you can to protect your Mother.
I hope in your particular type of case your brother hasn't stolen cash or cards from her wallet. If he stole cash from her wallet, she'll never see it again. If it came from her bank account and it's within a certain time after the money was spent or withdrawn, the bank can and will recover it for her. It sounds to me like he's probably living off her money to some extent and it needs to be stopped. She's not going to be here forever and someone needs to ask him what he's going to do when she's no longer there to shell it out. She's in a situation now where she needs her money in case she has an expense her insurance won't cover, which was likely what helped inspire the able act. Too many people whose insurance wouldn't cover needed prescriptions and other prescribed things and they impoverished person also couldn't cover it which caused them to do without what they needed. Sometimes doing without what you absolutely need can be detrimental to your health and even your life. All of this was most likely what led to the eventual able act. Hopefully in your mom's case someone can step in to protect her since it's hard for her to protect herself especially with COPD. I knew someone with COPD and life for those particular types of people is especially hard as the COPD progresses. I've noticed that usually people who have smoked for long enough eventually end up with COPD and it sounds to me like your mom was probably a smoker like the rest. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she probably needs a nebulizer like some asthmatics do. I've seen what happens to someone with advanced COPD and how often they can go to the ER even unnecessarily. I noticed when an elderly friend who had COPD either got stressed or went to long without his meds or even didn't take enough of it would go into an attack. To make matters worse, it was found out he also had asthma but he had the wheezing type whereas I have the post pertussis (whooping cough) cough variant asthma. Going too long without your breathing treatments will trigger an attack, especially in your situation where your brother is harassing your mom. If you've been noticing far more attacks than usual then you need to get him away from her before he causes her to need a trip to the ER because this will happen with COPD when someone becomes so stressed they go into a stress related attack. The same thing can happen with asthma believe it or not. Yes, you really need to take steps to look out for your mom especially with respiratory conditions. What you need to do is get a hold of an eldercare lawyer who can help you all through this. I would also bring up to your lawyer that if this brother causes your mom to need a trip to the ER then he needs to be sued for reimbursement for the medical expenses he caused. I certainly know what I'm talking about because I've seen what happens when someone with COPD or even asthma is stressed by someone or something. This is why these kinds of people need protection because asthma or COPD attacks are sometimes fatal. Someone needs to protect your mom whether it be you or someone else trustworthy. It sounds to me like your mom is most likely in a very stressful situation right now and she can't handle it given her condition. Yes, please start by talking to her if possible and try to discourage her from given that brother one more dime. In fact, I don't know if he's ever repaid her, maybe not. If not, you may want to speak to your eldercare lawyer and go after the money he's already gotten from her even if it means garnishing his bank account and freezing all assets.
Another smart move is to change any phone numbers she has and give her trusted contacts the new phone numbers
You protect her and yourself with all the authorities available immediately!