BIL has been pissed since he was not named DPOA or MPOA, acted like a child and would not respond to any calls or texts asking him to visit his dad or even call him once in the last year. Now we just put FIL in AL Memory Care and he has called and harassed the staff and accused my husband and I of kidnapping and holding him hostage! He tried to bully his way into the place and asked about his condition which he doesn’t get to know since he is not POA. He then tried another tact and said somebody visited FIL yesterday and he was “scared” of my husband. Nobody visited FIL except my husband! It all started when he went MIA after laughing at my husband and me for having dad and said I can’t wait for you to come begging for my help! We would never even ask much less beg! Because we took dad and moved him in with us and we took care of him for over a year and when it got too much for us we put him in the most top notch place available. Before he was there 4 days he already started his BS and threatened to sue everyone.
Instead of being grateful that we had him with us 24/7 as long as we could (no breaks and no visits from BIL or his 4 adult children) he is spewing lies about us. He even got to take a trip to Ireland where his dad is from and didn’t bother to see if his dad might want to go!
What can we do? Any help would be appreciated! I’m so mad and hurt over this. It is embarrassing having someone make up bad stuff that never happened all because he thought he should be POA.....turns out he is only a POS!
I'd make sure the Assisted Living facility was aware of the problem and then I'd try not to worry about what a crazy person is saying about me.
Of course I agree that if BIL doesn't have the necessary authority then he doesn't get to see confidential medical information. No argument about that.
But wanting to know how his Dad is? It's a sad world if you need formal authorisation for that.
Sigh. When two Irish brothers put their minds to internecine conflict everybody else had better take cover.
Looking back, was there any reason your BIL might have expected to be given POA? Was this about disappointed but well-founded hopes, or about perceived unfairness in the choosing?
You wouldn't ask much less beg him to share the caregiving... now he's not even grateful that you did it for that year...
Are you surprised? You can't be surprised.
The question is, what now.
I can't think that bringing an action for defamation will completely take the heat out of the situation.
Do you want your FIL never to see his son again?
Do you want your BIL never to be permitted to see his father?
Do you think it probable that your BIL is solely intent on being a thorn in his brother's flesh and in fact has not the least interest of any sort in his father?
Do you want your husband to be permanently estranged from his brother?
Is this family civil war in any way a productive use of anyone's time, energy and money?
I appreciate that you're hurt and insulted, I expect you are also highly stressed, and I expect that you are furious that your husband is constantly under fire from his blasted brother.
But if you want to *solve* any of this...
Are there any other family members who might support some kind of mediation?
BIL is just mad because he had it in his head that he should have been POA, never realizing how much responsibility that comes with.
My brother sprays lies about me all the time just because my parents decided to give me their house, because they knew I would take care of it and pay the taxes, and my brother would not pay the taxes; nor, would he take care of it. And my brother has no idea what it takes to take care of my mother or the house.
I wouldn't worry about what BIL says because people in their right mind won't believe him, and those who do believe him are the people you don't want in your life.
1) In order to sue, there has to have been harm done. What harm was done that would require a legal remedy?
2) Defamation has to be a claim that could possibly be shown to be true. In the example you gave, would a reasonable person actually even believe it? If not, then it's hyperbole and not defamation. You can't sue someone for hyperbole since a reasonable person would never believe it. If you could then our entire society would fall apart instantly.
Your FIL is safe and cared for.
No one can make him return to your home. You and your husband are in charge of who lives there.
Your BIL sounds mentally ill. When you have a care meeting at the facility, you'll want to point out to the staff that BIL has a history of stirring the pot and that he can be upsetting to FIL. Let them use their observations and judgement about whether his visits need to be supervised.