We are burned out. She is 84.And my two young adult sons and I decided to move in with her.My Father passed away Feb 2016. None of my siblings would step up to the plate and help. We have been living with her for five months now.She has some dementia,OCD and narcissim going on. She barely sleeps . Nothing makes her happy. Sometimes I think she wants people to feel sorry for her.She is not in real bad shape healthwise. Labs ok. She is slowing down though. WE ARE BURNED OUT. I do not even feel like I can keep the bathroom sanitized enough. Because she is stubborn with some of her hygiene. I am starting to maybe think my father did most everything in the house when he was alive. She wont even put her dirty clothes in the dirty basket. She is fussy. Always has been.And dont even go there with the narcissim.The last two or three birthdays my father had at home. Do you know she just kept bringing up hers was soon?Right in front of his birthday cake!!!!!!When she uses cups, bowls etc. She will rinse them QUICK (NO SOAP) and put them anywhere in cupboard. Gross. I am not even going to tell u more about hygiene. Its disgusting. My hands permantly smell like bathroom cleanser
Could talk for hours. But I would like some opinions from people. All of 2016 here will be impossible! WE REFUSE TO BE DRIVEN INSANE. I do all i pissibly can and have gotten NOWHERE. We are miserable!!!
I would have her evaluated by a doctor, if possible. Let the doctor know of her behavior in advance or hand him a memo with a list of symptoms at the visit. Regardless of the diagnosis, I would keep check on her, even if you move out, because she could be vulnerable to strangers, financial abuse, leaving stove on, wandering, forgetting to pay bills and have utilities and insurance canceled. It's like expecting a five year-old to run a household. It will get to that point, if it's dementia.
Do you have Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA so you can handle her affairs?
My mother has bi-polar, the cluster B personality disorders, anxiety, depression, and dementia. I had to exert a good deal of executive decision making over her and her care to ensure she was safe and I had a home to get away from her.
Let me encourage you to be confident and strong, bold when necessary to do all the things you will need to do to get your mother into care. No, you absolutely cannot remain in the same house as her for another moment.
What makes her happy and satisfied may not be the right answer for her safety and wellbeing. Mad comes & goes with narcissists, as you know, so just be ready to be the bad guy from now on. You probably already were.
I did not give mom any choices about her arrangements. My husband & I decided what was to happen and got it done. It helped that I was listed on her checking account already. We found a place, paid her rent from her account, and moved her in. Yes, there was drama. It was 100% worth it.
If it's solely mental illness, then social services needs to be involved in what happens next because either way, she can't live at home alone. She may need the court to appoint a guardian for her. It does NOT have to be you.
Her behaviors are classic for a dementia sufferer. You can't respond effectively if you don't know what's going on with her. A doctor must do the diagnosis.
At some point, she will need to be placed in a nursing home for 24/7/365 care. Please do work with a social worker to be connected to the services and assistance in your community. You need to look out for yourselves financially, and that includes a peaceful, safe, stable place to live as well as work.
There is no reason you need to continue as it has been when it's clearly a destructive setup.
And start interviewing care agencies who can take over as soon as you leave, if not before. If they're fired after you're gone, that's her choice, not yours.