How do you continue to be a caregiver when your parent has always had some form of mental illness...in my case Narcissitic Personality Disorder. My mother has always suffered from this and now trying to be a more closely caretaker is bringing me down. No one is realizing I cannot take care of her by myself. She is crafty and her aging just makes is all much worse. More and more calls from neighbors to the police or paramedics with her stunts. They say she cannot be alone but I cannot tolerate to be around her. She refuses to go to a nursing home, so now trying to find someone who will at least come and check on her a couple times a day at least to give her her psych meds. There is no one to help me. I have been of work for almost a month on FMLA and it seems to be a waste of my time, since she can do many things by herself...(she just tore apart the patio cleaning it ...an 85 year old pushing and pulling couches and vacumns...) mental illness in an aging parent..HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can relate, as my Mom was just diagnosed with "a serious personality disorder," (of unknown variety). So, we're still awaiting further diagnosis. I can relate to both the stress side of things, and the craftiness. I can also relate to a Mom who likes to move heavy furniture (mine has back pain which make it worse). She also like to vacuum - in the middle of the night! I'm finding the illness "comes and goes" with my Mom. She seems to do fine with some people, and in some circles, but does just terrible around me and my family. I don't have a bit of advice, as I'm new to this type of thinking and am looking for answers myself. But just want you to know you're not alone.
I petitioned the court, and was granted Guardianship, and Mom declared a "Legally Incapicated Individual." How sad for her! We have only recently received a diagnosis after a referral to a Geriatric Assessment Clinic. I suspected Dementia, but could get no confirmation. She passed all the tests. When they told me she had a PD, it threw me for a loop. Although, in looking back over a lifetime of ups and downs with her, I can see where they got their diagnosis. She is also being treated for depression. They are giving her some medication for this, and it seems to have made a difference in the way she behaves. Mom seems less angry and combative. That could also be due to the boundaries I have recently been practicing and putting in place for my own "sanity" and stress levels around her.
I was wondering, what is FMLA? Sounds like things get very serious if you have police and paramedics involved at times. Does she end up in ER? I think I'd be feeling the strain from that as you are. What does her Physician say? Is she seeing a competent Geriatric Specialist, and does he/she have a treatment plan? Additionally, I've heard there are support groups for those who have to deal with loved ones with these types of disorders. Have you found one near you? I will be looking for your posts, to see what you find out there.
yearight gave good advice, when she said, "Hang in there." Don't lose yourself while caring for your Mom. There have to be some answers for you and your Mom. So sorry you're struggling. Will keep you, your Mom, and your situation in prayer. Take care of yourself in the process.
Oh yes it is something else, she has driven me crazy most of my life and she is not done yet! Yesterday I found her in the garden pulling on plants that are okay instead of weeds....she could not stand that I was starting to take care of the garden and has to have her fingers always over mine. The other day I had a Home Depot bag and some merchandise and the receipt for a return she had the receipt all crumpled up and shoved inside the bag, good thing I found everything. If I don't want something touched I have to hide it from her. She will not go into a nursing home, she says I am trying to kick her out of her house. I went to an attorney and learned about Conservatorship as you have done. But that is a real mess, I am saving that for last. If she pulls another crazy disruptive stunt and not take her meds she's gone! She is sooo stressfull. I have been over there everyday for a month. I have run the whole gamut of phone calls and places and got to many dead ends. The only thing I have is a psychotherapist that comes every week to her..and they just bullshit talk...yeah that's helpful. A social worker who knows her whole story and some in home care help on tues/thurs 4 hrs a day...so let see. I set up her med boxes which she likes to play dumb about, but if she trips up again...it will be conservatorship. She is a very devious person inside, even though people think little old lady!
I've been feeling stress for a long time. But that kind of stress is different. I usually end up with a cold or Cold Sore after that type of stress.
But around my mother, the ill feeling is a totally different type. We have the worst time in a car together. I can't just go read a book to unwind. I was driving her to an initial appointment with a new Psychiatrist, only we had to reschedule, because I mistakenly mixed up the time. They preferred we not come today, so I had to turn around mid-journey.
I was thinking, that's OK, because it saved me an hour's worth of round trip driving. But the problem with Mom is, she wigs out while I'm driving, and starts saying stupid or nasty things. I couldn't wait to get her back home and out of my car. It's weird, but she knows I can't avoid her confrontation, so her tirades escalate. Distance is the only thing that relieves this feeling. I wasn't tired, or out of sorts. I just couldn't wait to escape her rantings! She is wicked mean, and started demanding I do such and such for her... (Like I wanted to do anything at that point.)
Earlier, I had called a cab company to take her to the appointment. They want $70.00 each way! I'm the only family around; my sister lives 9 hours away, and public transportation won't take her out of the county, where her appointment is. So I got the lovely duty of transporting her...this time. She may have to go by ambulance the next time she needs something. I don't mean to be rude, but I think I'm busy that day.
Wow! You should see the cold sore I have right now!!!
But I won't blame Mom, totally. I was months delinquent on a Court document, and it totally stressed me out. The cold sore is the largest whammy ever!
That behind me, I am trying to take back control of my life. Slowly. As Mom's only nearby relative, besides a Dad with Alzheimer's in a Nursing Home, I am her Caregiver. She's a piece of work, though. And I do stress out just thinking about visiting her. I saw her almost every day last week. So tired, and her doctor put me in charge of her medications. So it was a forced visit once a week. She whined and complained so much, and I was so glad to relieve myself of the awful burden, that I gave them back to her. But she needed a ride to Chemo this week. And a ride to see her new Psychiatrist yesterday. That was a nightmare!!!!! (Ever feel like jumping from a moving vehicle you're driving???) It was UGLY! Last night, I was questioning my own sanity. I kept going to this site for relief, but it wasn't coming.
Thankfully, my peace is restored today. Time and distance helps.
Today, my "compassion mode" kicked back in, and I realize she's sicker than sick. Too bad it makes me sick to be around her. She depends on me for money, rides, etc. So sad!
By the grace of God, I will survive this. Sometimes my boundaries slip. And old habits enter in. And my feelings get mangled by her manipulations and mental illness. I'm back on top, again.
Think I'll take my husband along for the next visit. She needs help. Don't know what the answer is, but something has to change. This is "somewhat" new territory for us, in that she was only recently diagnosed with having a "Probable Personality Disorder." Yesterday was supposed to be a follow up on a Psychiatric referral. Silly me, I missed it! Now we have to wait...till the next catastrophe.
Yeah, I had controlling parents. Sad thing is, something's controlling them, too. Either mental illness, dementia, or ??? But I don't want it controlling me. Life is better since I because free of living in "survival mode" with her. My husband is good, calm, and steady. And then there's all the other positives in my life. It's not perfect, but I don't live in constant torment.
Can't imaging what people with that condition experience. It must be hell for them. Being around it can be hell for us.
Thank God for sites like this to vent. Thanks for reading my woes. Take care of you!
I have to clean out a huge mess in their home 200 miles away. Some days I wish (not really) Mom were in a Psych Ward. (I don't wish ill on her) but dream of relief for me. It's been a long road. Avoidance worked well for the last 10 years. Was I crazy to "volunteer" for Guardianship and Conservatorship? (I figured the sky was falling...) Some days it feels like I am. But, I've survived this long. Figure God gave me brains for a reason.
Just called today, and found a real live contact for a Family Support Group nearby. They emailed me back, and I'll go from there... Thanks for writing.
You hang in there, and keep posting, and I will too. Be good to yourself.
Thanks for the heads up! And the web info. I think I'll check that out, in my spare time, of coarse! LOL I did some Googling, and pretty much think NPD resonates regarding my Mom's symptoms, as well. It's a rough read, though, and large doses seem to be toxic to my spirit, so I don't like to spend too much time there. Do you know what I mean?
My sister and I have hashed this so many times, that instead of comfort, sometimes it seems as if our constant talking about Mom just adds fuel to my anger fire. The only positive thing talking about it does, is remind me of the "reality" of Mom's problem when I am second guessing myself or doubting my suspicions. (Which is a little too often for my taste.)
I read the book, "I'm OK, You're OK," and never got it, because I really wasn't OK. Living with a whacked out Mom with a mental illness wasn't conducive to anyone's mental health. Without a good guide, I basically raised myself, and none too well. I made a lot of costly mistakes, and suffered for it. I'm so thankful for my healing, deliverance from addictions, and now have a good husband, and home of my own! I hate the pain of the past, and am ashamed of some of my foibles, but it's only by the grace of God that I have been set free from some of that ugliness. (Still have that Mom, though...) Forgiveness is the only answer. And sometimes it's seventy times seven. And I try to be a little gentler with myself, than Mom knew how to be. Sad for a kid to have to grow up like that! < sigh >
I hope you don't have to do the Conservatorship thing, but if you do, I hope your situation is easier than mine. It is a lot of very time-consuming, life-draining work to satisfy the Probate. Highly recommend avoidance if at all possible, as was told me by a very nice Attorney. But, POA doesn't always work, so I bit the bullet. The first year is the hardest, but if you need any help, I can walk you through the worst of it. PS, talk to me first before hiring an Attorney to help you with it.
Hope you have a good night. I have computer issues to address. Will chat with you as able. Thanks for writing. Boy, chatting with you has lifted my spirits. Thank you.
In our case, Dad's Physician had been treating him for Alzheimer's for some time, so wrote a letter to Probate saying he needed a Guardian. When a doctor says it, that's acceptable testimony.
I should be sleeping, but battling major Momster issues. I hate nights like this. It's been such a long road...
My Dad went to one by way of ER, but he was no angel. And neither is my Mom. She's never been accused of that!!! But she does stir up the compassion and sympathies of others. I am using a tiny digital recorder, and have a year's worth of her insane rantings saved on my computer. It makes me ill to even think of replaying them, but keep them "just in case." Many health professionals have told me I don't need to record her, but they really don't understand. Mostly I do it for my own protection, because she's accused me of abuse, and without those recordings, it would be my word against hers. My own sister was doubtful of my recent reports, until Mom hit her in the face, knocking off her glasses. Now my sister is a bit more understanding of me. (She tells me often of the horrors of our childhood.) I strangely have "forgotten" most of that, but not it's lingering effects.
I can sure relate to your Mom's doc not believing her episodes are "that bad." It amazes me how they can fool others (including professionals)! When people dismiss my observations, I tell them to come home with us, and see for themselves. No one has ever taken us up on the offer.
My husband reminded me this morning that this won't last forever, but it may feel like it. I sat, tired, thankful for his attempts to comfort me, but ready to fight the tears and fatigue I feel, after dealing with Mom's latest tirades. Those who haven't experienced it, just don't understand the seriousness of its effects on those who have. I know you do, lucy, and my heart goes out to you.
I asked my sister if Mom could come visit her, and she said, "No, I have a headache that day." Nine hours distance suits her well. But I'm the Guardian/Caregiver, and am starting to assess our options. This is more difficult than I could have imagined! I don't want pity, or "coping mechanisms," but real solutions. (Am I dreaming?) I know drugs can be right for some people, but I'm also seeing where they can backfire, too. My Mom is beginning to refuse going to doctor appointments.
Lucy02, thank you for your reply and tender response. Sending hugs prayer your way. And hope you've gotten some rest. Take care!
You mentioned your mom accused you of abuse. Well that's another thing we have in common. She accused my husband of beating her to her Sunday School class and caused a big uproar in church. She's accused me of putting her in the hospital to take her money and buy drugs. They think she's just a sweet little confused lady with dementia. After we got home from the hospital we went to the pharmacy and the sweet little old lady told me that if I didn't do what she told me to do she would run off from me. There's much more than dementia going on here.
I am so sorry for all you're going though SecretSister but it sure helps me to know that I'm not alone. Our situations seem so similar its like talking to an old friend.
This is new area for me. I figured Dementia, and anticipated Alzheimer's one day. But it's only been a couple months since hearing of a Personality Disorder diagnosis. I'm still in shock hearing it! In the meantime, I am inundated with Mom's incessant unrealistic demands and ongoing drama!
You're right, there is much more than dementia going on... It's worse than taking a tiger by the tail, isn't it? So, how did your Mom end up in the psych unit?
I find myself wishing mine heard voices, so I had a legitimate excuse for "evaluation." (Plain old "weird" doesn't get a lot of attention from outsiders.) They simply don't see what we are seeing, or know what we know about the situation.
I agree with you, lucy, it does help to know we're not alone. Praying your rest is blessed. Perhaps you'll sleep better tonight?
Good for you. My MIL was a nasty woman who could put on such an act. It took my SIL years to catch on. I would not even let her near our daughter without supervision. Didn't want her to influence our little girl in any way. Good thing we did. My niece, who lived with her grandmother and parents, still has lasting effects due to her grandmother. Sometimes, they can be very crafty. Get the evidence!! Make back up copies!!
Linda
I find it strange that they can sometimes turn on and turn off the "weirdness." No wonder others don't believe us. How can a person so demented "control" it at times?
So, do you just drive Mom to the psych unit? Doesn't a Physician, or ER have to do an admit?
Thanks for writing. Take care of you! Are you doing anything special for yourself today, now that Mom's away? I know that writing helps, and there needs to be some "down time," for recovery. I recently discovered my long neglected passion for gardening. It may be only a couple of minutes here and there, but I dream of the "big garden project" while I'm doing it. Sigh. A couple of weeks ago, I hacked back some wildly overgrown bushes in front yard, imagining the neighbors would consider me crazy. It was wonderfully therapeutic! My husband even joined me. LOL Now we have some bright green growth returning, and it looks great. Wonder what I'll hack up next...
I've heard that gardening is very therapeutic. I know that I visit a depression forum (cause I suffer from that) and several of them do it. They say it works better than meds. I have several hobbies to keep me busy. I like to paint. I'm not very good but its so relaxing.
Linda