How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Dear Neon, I cry when I read your posts. I can't believe the incredible pain you've been through, and how you could now care for your mother. It has got to be by God's grace. Without that, we would all perish. What an inspiration you are. You, too, Mitzi, and gvergrl. Guess we all have something in common. I don't like reading the name, "Mentally Ill Parent," but that's exactly what it is, isn't it? So glad we have found a place to share our struggles and sorrows. Will keep you all in prayer.

I was faxed the notes from mom's Geri Assessment Clinic visit. It wasn't the help I was hoping for. I am so discouraged with this system. Don't know what to do next. Debating whether to call the Health Department, Community Mental Health, or the Probate Court. I just wish I could get someone to listen to my perspective, in its entirety, and offer some assistance. So far, mom is escaping true detection, because they just can't see what's going on from the past, or behind the scenes. And they hear her complaints against me, but don't seem to understand the whole picture.

Saw mom today, to get a prescription and her grocery list. She wasn't all combative and angry. She did show a little distress at me saying I wanted to talk to her doctor tomorrow. She doesn't like me there (because I know the real deal). That is what is driving her anger, and feeding her complaints against me. Just wish someone could see and understand and support me in this, and not just want to coddle and condone her. What a mess!

We all know that there's no one out there who knows our parent, or would take the time to care for them like we do. Mine doesn't qualify for a nursing home, or assisted living, or Home Care, except for out of pocket. I can't pay it because she's still got a house for sale downstate. Perhaps a reverse mortgage? Or what? She has a house full on antiques that she wants "kept in the family," and expects my sister and me to maintain a "museum" for her. Guess who's shoulders this all falls on? The one mom is fighting the most. And she has a huge home full of accumulated mess and piles that would take forever to clean up. Forgive my mournful whining.

nothing to forgive secretsister, we all whine sometimes I get on my own nerves . You see no one is concerned about the past not even our mothers because in their mind they have never did anything wrong, they are martyrs ROFL In reality they are self centered, self serving lazy people and everything that has gone wrong in their life is blamed on someone else dad me , never my mothers other two children who could care less I am getting devious in my old age and by the time I get done with them they won't ike me either. one won't retun a call one doesn't wANT TO HERE IT I GOT MYSELF IN THIS MESS BECAUSE THEY ARE SMART ENOUGHT TO IGNORE HER. wELL i'D RATHER BE ME THAN EITHER ONE OF THEM. You can't get anything accomplished by ignoring the situation i take the bull by the horns and my sister has the nerve to tel me I should take he bull by the horns ROFL. I have to stop that it's getting harder to get off the floor. I don't know what to tell you. In my case I at least have verification that my mother is narccicistic it is documented so if I need to draw on that at a later time I will. money in the bank so to speak. Sell the antiques who is oing to stop you if your sister is like mine she won't mind a little shut up money. do what works best for you because now you are at the helm all your mother is going to do is try to put a guilt trip on you and you don't have to accept that hopefully you all can sell the house and pay for her to be somewhere money still talks this whole world is greedy. We are just afraid to make our mothers mad because of their wrath but she isn't in control as an adult you can do what is right for her and get the mess cleaned up now so when it is time to bury her there will not be any loose ends and you will finally have peace on earth. I know I sound so callous but I am just being practical, your mother isn't taking any of the antiques to a nursing home, or anywhere else. just think about it and talk to someone you trust maybe your pastor. I am not saying to do anything wrong, put her money in a trust so a NH AL whatever is paid and she has some spend money. That is as good as it's going to get for her.

I talk to my mothers doctor to she doesn't like it but she has no choice, he is beginning to see things and instead of seeing her every 3 months he has suggested every 6 because she knows more than him to and he said he couldn't trear her if she wasn't going to follow his directions so he like I leave her to her own devices she will be her own doing in.

Hello Ladies...(wondering if excare still pokes his head in on this convo?)... Gvrgrl and Neon...don't let anyone knock you down! Geez I know my lame cousin and his g/f tried to knock me down...and I let them have it. They wanted to put a blind eye to what my mom was. Even sent APS to sniff around...nice for family to do isn't it. I have another thing coming for them, if they try to interfere in the wrong way. They will get a full mouthfull from me and it won't be christian like. Gvrgrl...don't let outsiders say nothing about you...You know you and that's all the matters isn't it...youre the one in your own skin that has to live life to the end...they aren't inside you and did not have to live through one(or both) of these type of human monsters. No one will understand our suffering unless they have been in our shoes..PERIOD.
Neon for those SO CALLED CHRISTIANS that are knocking you down for seeing a counselor...boy they are the biggest hyprocrites aren't they!!!!..I have no room for them in my life at all...Gee I would say to them...gee don't you call Jesus ....counselor? Hmmm I kinda remember that from the hymns in a Christian Four-Square church I used to go to a long time ago. Tell them to stick that in their friggin pipe and smoke it! HA HA HA...idiots. Those type of Christians are FAKE as can be...all with big mouths about others and if you did into their real selves all miserable liars themselves and busybodies to boot. So I say to them STICK IT! Sorry but folks like that are not Christian in my book!


Taken from a Hymn Lyrics website:

Day by Day


Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Wow. Stuff. I talk to my pastor all the time. He says they will all see it someday. I don't want to wait :( but what choice do I have?

So, I will hang in there, and laugh at your ROFL ("Help, I've fallen and I can't get up") posts.

Secret Sis, So sorry that no one is giving your 'momster' the proper meds yet...what a shame that you have to go through this. I can't believe no one is helping, but I saw that myself..seems the more you tried to find help the more they shrink back from you. Just keep up the documentation, you're doing an amazing job with that!!!! Kudo's big time for that!!! I hope that one day, she will be diagnosed with the proper meds. That will help immensely, you will see!!!!!! I saw the change with my own momster, as soon as meds took hold...big difference..more manageable, as long as she takes them...I can tell when she's skipped...the rage appears!

Something funny my mom's pyschotherapist just told me on the phone re: NPD.

"I am tired of talking about me"
"Lets have you talk about me"

....took me a few minutes and I then laughed...I said yep that wraps it up in a nutshell.

Hi Piratess, you sure can get fired up about things...lol...I think they call that spunk. We're all in the nutshell together. ROFL

well sisters if we can't ROFL they might find us in the closet crying right?? WRONG I'll ROLF till I can't get up so there and some body can than pick up ME ME ME!!!

you girls are a hoot.

Well I know one of you ladies mentioned in a previous post about hiding in the closet...I remember doing that myself, or under my desk when I was a kid....trying to block them (the evil parents...LOL WINK).....it was a comforting thing to do....I sometimes wish I can fit into my closet now..but too stuffed with dresses...LOL! So I sit on my stairwell, it's kinda narrow and dark....kinda the same effect...and the mid landing has a window to my side yard which is my pride and joy...the flowers, the greenery, the garden gnomes and all the other rabbits and frogs statuary brings comfort to my heart.

Gotta love that Nature for soothing the heart and soul!

Wow can you believe we are up to 311 posts...wonder what was the longest one here at this website? Wonder if they would shut it down?

I like dresses :) and gardens :)

Have a great afternoon and evening, ladies! Take care

LOL Sis...yep I'ma Spunky Piratess... ;-)

Just checked: there are 1414 posts on the "Needing to Vent" thread. LOL Sounds like a lot of people need to get out of the closet and get some things "off their chests>" LOL

Nature is good when I get the chance I paint gardens beach scenes the things that soothe the savage beast within Oh I forgot she lives in the other room ROLF you are all so precious Spunk is good to very good I call it hutzpah I've got lots of that to sometime too much for my own good. Like meeting a bear in wal mart LOL. Well If i get too much more off my chest I will have to go back to the bra section with training wheels. and swith that i bid you ado love and hugs to you all have a good evening neon

Should I just barf? I had to pay a bill for my mom I really didn't want to pay. I called a lady to ask if I should pay dues to her Chapter up north here, where mom now lives, or downstate, where mom was a member for 50 some years. The lady just poured on the crap, saying, "She can do whatever she pleases. Just ask her what she wishes. We love to have her join our meetings. I'm the one who picks her up and takes her there. She's lovely!"

Lovely? Lovely? How can they be so blind? Or how can I be so wrong? This is absolutely insane! Either that, or birds of a feather flock together. I won't even tell you the organization, because it makes my skin crawl. Gotta go throw up now.

Secret Sis, Well you know how that works already don't you. She needs to be civil to outsiders due to the Vampirism does not work outside of the nest. Outsiders will not go for the meaness, the nastiness and deceit of the NPD mind. So therefore, for them to use others and become their NPD feed, they are civil to the outside world. For us who are their spawn, they heed to no such restrictions...they pour the full vent of their viciousness, we are expendable and YES we were trained to take it. And of course there is the underlying factor they they think in their rotted minds...THEY OWN US...LIKE CHATTLE. I know I am casting off my dog collar. You know how dogs can bite their owners if they are mean enough...well RUFF RUFF RUFF and crunch! WINK! ;-)

SecretSis, OMG yeah talk about barfing? Oh do I get it. The performances for every different audience is sickening to be quite honest.

I am like another here on the boards where I am fortunate enough to have the documentation and the people to help back me if necessary. Even though I may not be heard all the time, my husband is my confirmation in everything pertaining to mom. Why life works like that, I have no clue.

But the one thing I have going for me is that now I really don't give a rip what a person thinks. If they think they know better for mom, I let people go. The AL didn't necessarily believe me that it would take mom longer than 3 months to adjust. Well, guess what they believe one year later? Mom still isn't adjusted and they have to figure how to work around mom. Oh well! Now she's their problem as long as I pay the bills I personally could care less as long as she doesn't interfere with dad's daily living.

Do what you can, but I would just get to a point where I'm like believe me or don't. If you don't, you (meaning that disbeliever) can deal with the repercussions. Question is, can you handle those type of challenges. Take care hon!

I agree Mitzi....if they DON'T get it...they can go fly a kite....it seems the folks that often have the big mouth about these types of situations, know nothing of experiences like we have had...NADA! And, you cannot let them get you down...they go home to a nice quiet homelife, they know nothing of the rattled nerves that we get to settle down with at the end of the day for having a parent that is disruptive to a normal lifestyle from the start.

Well, it's back to her Primary Care Physician tomorrow. He told me once that he thinks there's some dementia going on. My godly Pastor suggested I asked him to put that in writing tomorrow. He suggested that no matter what kind of scene she makes, ask to speak to him and tell him what's been going on. But so what if it's in writing? She's still running around loose, and hating me, and telling everyone I'm abusing her, etc.

Mom said she's sick of seeing "all these doctors." Well, so am I. And I'm sick of running to the store for her 3 times a week, and paying someone to transport her to doctors 5-6 times a month, and 3 different Physicians prescribing her medications. I'm sick of running into her suspicious, judgmental, critical friends, who don't know the whole story, and cooly look me up one side and down the other. I used to love my quiet little town, but hate what it's become because of moving her here. It's a place of pain and torture for me now. And I can't write what I think of her. I never met anyone so vindictive, cruel, conniving, or ugly. It's become a nightmare that I can't escape. I know one thing for certain: I hate mental illness.

Mine is the same We must set boundries this is the days I am availavle to go shopping trim it down to ONE unless its an emergency, Yes, everything should be documented. Try I know its hard to ignore her friends after all they aren't you and ask them if they would like to take turns sitting with their friend after all thats what christians do.

Let them believe what they wANT THEY'RE GONNA ANYWAY. Just try to do something for you that is calming claim the bathroom for an hour go to calgon country read a book light a candle play your favorite music close your eyes and go to your favorite vacation spot and thinnk of the last time you were there and ate at that perfect resturaunt, went to that comedy club or whaever brought you delight. let that be your time go window shopping plan something special for your family have a movie popcorn night play cards find something that immerses you so completely she is no where around you can do it I know you can its refreshing and this afternoon when I am taking my mother shopping and she is buying her 500 lbs of goodies and a bag of onions for me thats her concentration I will come home put it all away and flop on my fanny because i will be to tired to cook and immerse myself in chickapet land.

My mom thinks I am "the problem," and that I am making up things to tell her Physicians. They won't directly confront her with the truth of their findings.

My mom bitterly complains about me and whines to her "friends" that I'm stingy with her finances (I call it conservative). She remembers (last March) having her own checkbook, total control, and little resistance, aside from dad. The court declared her incapacitated, and awarded me her Conservator/Guardian. But she's convinced I told the doctors lies about her, and they are acting on my "false information."

My mom's friends, also have convinced her there's "nothing wrong" with her, and that I'm "the problem." This is coming from many different angels. Her "pastor," church friends, small retirement community (apartment cronies), family members downstate, club members, etc. Evidence of this is the new button I found taped to the back of her door: "Insanity is hereditary; I get it from my kids." (I hardly doubt this is an admission of her condition, as much as an indictment against me.)

No one else, besides myself, husband, and sister thinks mom has a deficit, (aside from my Pastor, who's very famaliar with her NPD condition) and are fiercly defending her [against me]. My hubby thinks it's because she has no reason to stress around anyone else, and can perform for every other audience, as they only see her for social moments and short periods of time.

My perspective and gut instincts tell me that she's trying to have me removed as her Guardian for the very reason that we do know what's the "real deal" with her, and she "thinks" if I'm removed, she is "home free." She definitely sees me as a threat, and is trying to find any reason (including lying) to have me removed. All the cronies are enabling this thinking, just as "Amnon had a friend" (Jonadab). It appears their evil designs are winning at times.

She was hospitalized for an auto wreck in Jan 08, which led to documented "dementia/cognitive dysfunction." Several months passes, and her detremental medications decreased, and they recanted, saying perhaps that dementia may not be indicative. But I know different. I have invited several home to see what she's "really" like. They see her for 15 minutes at a time, in the midst of a rushed, busy schedule. How in the world can they possibly evaluate her in totality. These consultations took place before my appointment as Guardian, and she's convinced I am lying to her [fast forward] new physicians. (I switched doctors for her several times, until finding our present one.)

Though her current PCP said he thinks there's some dementia going on, I have yet to garner his written documentation to bolster my claim. This has been the case with other consulting physicians, as well. They verbally assent to certain diagnosis, but will not back it in writing. I find this grievous and frustrating. My prayer is that her astute Physician will put an end to that deficit today. We covet your prayers, as well.

I feel like I'm salmon swimming upstream, waiting for my eggs to be removed and die. This has been a horrible journey over the past 21 months. One Social Worker told me things will become much worse. O, the joys of caregiving!

I fully understand this is my fourth go around both in laws and dad now my mother who is the worst. I do know it is difficult for them to give up their freedom as they once knew it and by no means am I defending your mother. It is a daily horror and walking on egg shells is not my way of living. I am full blast in everything I do I give 100 percent and than some. perhaps it would be better to give guardianship to somene else if there is someone else in my case their isn't. I would gladly turn this job over to someone else but out of their own mouths they want nothing to do with it I picked it up because I could not see an old lady alone but I am getting really ticked off with her snide remarks about me not wanting her here if I didn't believe me I wouldn't but there is no one else and I am not that cold hearted. Please remember it is HER disease not yours and you can control how you deal with it do not own her lying and acting. My mother once told me she wanted to be an actress and I just looked at her and said oh you aren't? she did not like that by any means but she now knows I am on to her and that is exactly why she stays in her room all the time. doesn't hurt my feelings onr iota. tonight is shopping night for her so it should be another trip to disney world I just can't wait. Another acting experience should call some studio, by the time I hump it all into the house and am exhausted, my arthritis is killing me my back hurts my hips hurt it will be whats for supper tonights menu .... what ever you feel like fixing. Yes the joys of caregiving

Yee ha! Happy shopping :) tonight, Naus. Thanks, SS

haha starts with a N ends with eon LOL

Well, SecretSis, and others... I get on these rolls complaining because it is what it is... OVERWHELMING and EXHAUSTING! No questions asked.

But I had a dear friend ask me once (regarding other areas of my life), "Do you pray about it as much as you talk about it?"

Fighting back speaking the complaints is hard enough. Try praying about it. Food for thought. ;)

My mother is calling my father's doctors and changing his appointments so that SHE can take him (she has some control issues) However, she does not let anyone else know. Then she forgets to take him. Then the caregiver takes him and is told the appointment is not on that day. (We have the original appointment card for proof.) We are talking over sixty miles round trip here. Six months ago, I would be frothing at the mouth. Today, I'm just annoyed.
Tomorrow, I will be over it, because it will start again soon enough.
Mitzi is right, complaining just feeds our frustration. and Neon is right, find something more pleasant to do than thinking of your mom.
She owns you as long as you let her.
Give up trying to control her uncontrolable behavior, and give gaurdianship to the courts. Get your life back before she harms your health. My parent's aren't worth the physical problems they have caused me...which by caring so much, really, I caused myself.
My real family, the one I made, deserves me so much more. Yours does too. Cut mom her slack by cutting her loose. If a court mandated gaurdian is responsible for her, then you will not be to blame if anything happens to her.
I am the last person on the planet to say,"Die." but when it comes to my parents, they have sucked all the life force out of me. I am no longer trying my best. I only do what works, and that is not what they need. But neither one wants what they need. so, I let them be. I let my brother handle my mom the way he feels he needs to, He is not doing it very hard, but that is how they want it. so I let it be.
The thing that helped me the most was giving my worries to God. If it needs attention, then God will handle it the way it needs to be handled. Me becoming a wreck over it wasn't working. Give your burden to God and go visit Neon's Calgon country.

Have a better day and a calm week, and we know the anguish you are going through, we are not belittling it by offering suggestions, it is just thst these things helped us, and we hope that they will help you as well. My husband has spent 25 years trying to get me to understand that I can't change them. That they ARE happy. Mean, nasty, bitter anger makes them happy. But it eats us alive. I can handle that now. I got it through 'my thick head', as piratess said. Easier to say than do. one day something will click and you will have had enough of the frustration. The mother meter will be full and nothing more can be let in. I pray for you that that day will be soon.

Also doing something for yourself doesn't mean that a teeny tiny piexw of yu doesn't care of course you care or you wouldn't be putting yourself through all this. But... small word big meaning She/He IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOU. i AM NOT THE MARTYR LIKE MY MOTHER PRETENDS TO BE I DON'T WANT TO BE A MARTYR so I let her do her thing I will not allow anything to happen to her so it will fall back on me and if I see something I will step in but other than that she can do as she pleases, I am not giving up any more of my life to her than is necessary she has sucked me dry all my life and i will be 61 next month enough is enough I have a life to live and i don't want a bitter life, Jesus is there for us to intercede to God when we pray and cannot find the words, with utterings and groans rely on him he has helped me immensley. Gd bless us all everyone