How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

I am my parent's Guardian and Conservator - for a reason. They left things a mess, and I am cleaning things up. Or trying to. In the last year and a half, I have made great progress. I paid off approximately $98,000.00 worth of their debt, liquidating their assets. It has been a tremendous amount of work, and huge learning curve. I go to Probate this week for the Allowing of their annual account.

A remaining $30,000.00 worth of debt remains, though I am picking away at it a little at a time, as I sell off more of their things. The next step is cleaning out their huge uninhabited house. That will take some time, expecially since the house is 200 miles away from mine, and from their present dwellings.

The problem is this: Mom is making my life difficult, as usual. It's different, than when I grew up in her home, but a struggle, just the same. She tells my sister that she does not want to take over the bills, (not even an option) but she is not cooperating with me, either. She wants to dictate how things are spent, and how decisions are made. This is creating all sorts of difficulties, both for herself, and for me.

In nature, what do you call a 2 headed animal? A freak. They do not survive. I don't know how I will get past our current difficulties.

Mom will ask me for something, and expect me to get it for her RIGHT NOW. For instance, groceries, furniture from 200 miles away, new clothing, her medications, etc. And if I don't do what she asks, she cries, "Abuse! Abuse!" And tells anyone who will listen how badly she is being treated. I cannot and will not honor every request. She is on a limited budget, and like I said, still in debt. No matter to Mom. If she wants something, that's all she knows, and that's all she cares about.

One great problem arises when a compassionate soul feels sorry for this "poor little old lady, whose mean daughter won't give her every thing her little heart desires." And Mom really knows how to play up the sympathy. She can spin a story to elicit the compassions of professionals, peers, and just about anyone who will listen. Poor, pitiful lady.

Ha! What they don't know, is that Mom has been doing this for 73 years. She is a master deceiver, and a spoiled rotten brat who never knew healthy boundaries, and never grew up. Her method? Anger, lying, attack, and whining. It is more than sickening.

I went to fill a prescription for her the other day, only to find it had already been picked up by someone else. I was stunned; shocked! I left, reeling, and wondered how it was paid for. I called Mom. She was mad, because she said, "The Pharmacy screwed up. They gave me a prescription I didn't need. You have to take it back." (We had a verbal discontinuation, and the Pharmacist didn't know it yet.) I told her that they didn't return meds; that it was against the law. She said, "Well, I'm not paying for it."

Thing is, she didn't pay for it to begin with. She convinced a woman from her apartment building to get it for her. That and $50.00 worth of meds altogether. I asked how it was paid for. She said, "You have to pay for it." I don't think so!!!

I drove back to the Pharmacy. They know me, Mom by name. I asked them to: "Please make a note on her records not give medications to anyone else but me, and to not accept telephone orders from Mom any longer."

I told my sister about it, and she was floored, asking, "How could they just give them to anyone? What if that person stole them?" Good point. I've been wondering the same thing.

She does the same with activities and events. I give her spending money, but it's never enough. She tells her "friends" that I "never give her any money," and they all get to hating me, and feeling sorry for her. So much so, that they offer to buy her lunch out, or a ticket to a play, etc. She hates public transportation, and lies, saying they won't come at a certain time, and convinces people to drive her hither and yon. When I see her out in public, or someone from her building, they just stare, and look away. (Me, being the mean, awful, controlling Conservator daughter.) You'd think I have horns by the way I'm avoided.

But guess what? Mom has money stashed in her drawer at the same time she's telling everyone I never give her any. She angrily says, "That's my money, and I'm saving it!" and "I've had that a long time, and I didn't get it from you!"

I buy all her groceries, because she was doing the same thing with the grocery money I gave her. It was "never enough," as she'd tell the latest victim who drove her to the store. So they would put her "extra" purchases on their receipt, and tell her she "didn't have to worry about paying them back." Then she'd tell me I owed them money. This happened over and over and over, but I lived 200 miles away, and couldn't really control it. I did pay her long-time friend back, but eventually the lady caught on, and became, "too busy" to take Mom to the store anymore.

Tomorrow is a complex-wide meeting for all the residents. I told my husband I need to show up and tell everyone what's going on. He said, "No, it will backfire. And they will continue to feel sorry for her, and will hate you." He asked if he could call our Pastor for his advice. And guess what? Pastor told him, "By all means; go to that meeting and tell them!" My husband, fearing my muddied reputation if I tell a room full of people about Mom's shenanigans in her presence, presented a tactful approach we hadn't thought of. Whew! But he also said we may want to post an article in the daily news! Can you imagine? Or, he suggested having a law enforcement officer come to the meeting and talk to everyone. Now that would be something!

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to care for my Mom's ongoing demands and expectations. Nothing I did as an infant pleased her, and to this day, no one ever will. Before me, she was always mad at Dad. She took advantage of his Alzheimer's, and really got them into some deep debt. He tried keeping those plates spinning right up to his last days at home. The bank asked me to step in and help. I've been crying ever since, over the sad state of affairs.

Secret investigations revealed high bank card balances, shut off notices, and the like propelled me to action. The things I've found in piles of papers, receipts, and credit reports have multiplied my sorrows. Wednesday's child is full of woe.

She cries wolf so well, that even I am stirred with compassion for her, at times, and give in to her "requests," but always regret it. Nary a thanks for my efforts, but always a complaint. No good deed goes unpunished. I take her to all doctor appointments to counteract the lies she tells her physicians.

I don't know how I'd get through this, but for the grace of God, and wisdom in a multitude of godly counsel.

I just called the complex where Mom lives, to talk to the Director, to let her know that Mom is using everyone there for rides, money and sympathy, but she wouldn't hear it. She defended Mom, saying how everyone there loves her, and that she "fits in so well." I told her that Mom is under psychiatric care, and is on restricted visits at the Nursing Home where Dad is. Due to her abusive behavior toward him, and to his anger and aggression, they have suggested that she come with me (their Guardian) for supervised visits, limited to twice a week, for 15 minutes at a time.

But, I cringe each time I see them together, as Mom doesn't talk nicely to him, and leads him about like a lost puppy she found at the fair. She tries to groom him, cutting his nails, but he is very resistant. She talks to him like a bad child, jerking his limbs, demanding he "sit still" while she give his a pedicure, which is apparently uncomfortable for him. He can barely lift his legs to a position on her lap, and pulls back from her efforts. Heaven forbid he should resist her, or any one else!

Perhaps I should have posted on a thread, called: At My Wits End. She is beginning to refuse to follow through on doctors visits, saying, "I don't want to see any more doctors." We haven't even gotten started with her Psychiatrist, yet. Most of the people around her think she's "lovely," and a sweet little old lady. Whenever I try to warn them from giving her money or rides, they think I'm "denying her," or am being unnecessarily mean. They won't even listen when I try to tell them that I do, in fact, give her spending money. Seems they would rather coddle her, than listen to me. I am at a loss at to how to handle things from here. Any suggestions?

Boy secretsister. Your story sounds so much like mine, well, only I think yours is worse. Mom just got through launching a tirade because I didn't jump up that very minute to take her to the grocery and and the pharmacy. Well she wants to get groceries for her parents who have been deceased for over 50 yrs and she just got her meds filled and won't take them. They won't refill them again this quick. Plus the only thing she wants to take is Exlax and Tylenol..don't need a prescription for that. She's screaming at me and my hubby to move cause this is her house and we're not paying rent. This is her house. She has 3 houses. She lived in one and this one was sitting here empty when we left our home abt. 15 miles away and moved here to be near her after my brother died. I have offered to pay her rent since day one but she won't take it. She moved in with us after her heart surgery in 2005 or 2006. I pay the bills. I've driven her around for all these years cause she don't drive but according to her I've done nothing for her and I'm a terrible person. My brother, on the other hand, was the most wonderful person in the world. She accused my husband of beating her to her Sunday School Class. She accuses me of trying to take her money, her land, etc. and buying drugs. She seems so sweet to other people and I think they tend to believe her too. She has a way of manipulating and working people. I wish I had some answers for you, secretsister. Is there one person there at the complex that is kind of a "leader"? Maybe you could sit down and talk with them and get them to understand.

I would like to add that psychotherapy is helpful for many mental illnesses, but a personality disorder is literally part of one's personality, hence the name. So there is no "cure," as frustrating as that is, it is the truth. So the challenge becomes dealing with the person, and as someone else mentioned setting boundaries is a great place to start. Your situation sounds tough, and my heart goes out to you. I wiish there was a cure! Take care of yourself.

Dear lucy and Myra, thank you ladies, for responding. I did just get back from a Resident Meeting at Mom's facility, which is government subsidized housing. The "leader" who runs this facility, and 8 government houses, instead of listening to me, and trying to understand, wanted to take Mom's side, and suggest I was being harsh, or unfair, and kept saying, "I don't believe this..." My husband left work to be there, having a foreboding this morning. He arrived at the tail end of it, and I decided against publicly telling everyone present about Mom's "problems." It's hard to explain, but I feel the deck is stacked against me there, and that they all want to believe her, (as such a sweet, wonderful thing, and not me). We tried to tell her that she acts different in public than she does with me, and she said, "I just can't believe this." She said, "Can't you just give her some money?" I do. She is mad because I put limits on it, and has everyone believing I'm not. This woman took notes, and I had the sinking feeling (when she suggested this is a legal problem) that I may not hear the end of this as far as that goes.

My stomach is so upset right now. Last week's cold sore was not enough. Now I feel, literally, like throwing up! To make matters worse, I have to go pick her up to visit her husband, then take her to Petoskey for a follow up shot after yesterday's Chemo. I am so thankful that my husband will be going with us. Otherwise, I'd really struggle with the stress of it. He will be my stabilizing force during the rest of this day. It was an awful afternoon, and may be a trying afternoon, but we will survive.

I didn't tell you the whole story. There were two other ladies who were screaming at me in front of the apartments regarding Mom's care. It was ugly! I asked to speak with them, but wish I hadn't. I never hope to talk with them again. This has become so outrageous, I don't even know what to think about things at this point. I know I feel like crying.

lucy, I only wish the "leader" would have tried to understand. She seemed more inclined to want to "manage" me. She dismissed herself, and left us sitting there. We dismissed ourselves and came home for lunch. I don't have much an appetite right now. I came here for comfort. This hurts. I feel like "the bad daughter who doesn't take proper care of her mother," after being around that "leader," and Mom's enabling "friends." They were not even willing to listen or try and understand anything, but wanted to give me a piece of their mind, which is very hard on me.

Myra, thank you for your response. Boundaries. That's exactly what Mom is fighting against! Especially from me. I feel like I'm losing the battle. Yes, I wish there were a cure, too. Thank you for your words.

We definitely could use some prayer.

SecretSister,I can't imagine how it feels to have everyone questioning your experience with your mother. I worked with a person once whose mother was narcisstic and who had borderline personality disorder, she had been a terrible mother. When she died people came to the funeral and told the person I knew how wonderful her mother had been, it was awful for her and she wanted to scream she was a monster, but didn't. I pray for strength and hope for you. Do what you have to for yourself first, set those boundaries, what you stop doing, maybe her fanclub will do, probably not for long once they get to know her like you do. Peace, SecretSister!

Secretsister, My heart goes out to you. I can understand and sympathize with you. Mom is in the car right now and won't get out (been there about an hour) throwing a little tantrum. Have you thought about whipping out some of those recordings you made of her. Maybe that would make a believer out of them. Although I have learned that even with evidence staring them in the face some people will never admit they were wrong about something.

First off, I have to say it's amazing when professionals so to speak want to say their "Holy blah blah blah" that don't help us a bit and will never walk in our shoes. They can GO AWAY in my book they have not helped AT ALL. So yes Myra is right our mothers have NARCISSITIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, as I have mentioned before in the now very long and getting longer post that I started, and nothing will make them ( the mental mothers ) understand what they HAVE DONE or will CONTINUE TO DO until they die. PERIOD that is all there is on that subject matter.

No one understands unless they have gone through a lifetime of abuse to us and now we are the caretakes..oh woe and beware we don't do anything to them cause their OLD. Well who the hell helped us and was an advocate for us all those years of childhood and adolescese where we had to sucumb to that....where were their big mouths then?

No one understands unless they walked those years in our shoes and continue to walk in those shoes dealing with an aging mentally off parent. I know they tricks they pull too, I see my mom being sweet to outsiders then a vicious mouth behind their back after they leave. I heard my mother saying "Stupid Mule" the other day I think she was talking about me, because I had tried to explain to her to give me her bank statements and her extra money she has hidden to place into a safe I just bought for her, due to she had a bunch of boxes and places she was stuffing everything. I am trying to make things concise and clean and all she thinks about is me ripping her off. My parents always treated me like an outsider especially with anything to do with the house or money. And here I am left as caretaker trying to do the right thing and then still get the knife in the back. So yes ladies I know what it is to try to do your best and all you get is outside factors dishing you CRAP!

I would have gone right up in front of all those people at that building and say flat out in a calm, professional voice the story behind your mother, and that you have warned them. If she uses them and they finally catch on, all you can say is " I TOLD YOU SO ". Document everything, even if it is with professionals. I was just thinking this weekend how shamefull it is that the government cannot step in and help individuals like us...and just let this entire horror of a drama play out with our lives. First they have made us miserable all their lives and when we are trying to do the best for them, get more twisted abuse by them and the outside world..amazing simply amazing. Two hundred years ago or even less these same individuals we are dealing with now would have been in insane asylums with horrid conditions, now look at the spoiling they get. Government doesn't want to touch them unless they hurt themselves or others first. Let's not count the mental abuse we have endured a lifetime and still enduring now they are at their worst. SO THESE PROFESSIONALS WITH THEIR BIG MOUTHS can just go away unless they truly have something that can HELP!

The best help I have found is other folks' blogs and post, those have been the biggest help to me over any PROFESSIONAL!!!

Secret Sis since you have Conservatorship why don't you place her in a Nursing home that has lock down capabilities? I know if my mom got to that stage I will not be dealing with her anymore...no way...she has done enough to me during my lifetime. I just love the excuse these folks have that they are mental and can't help it...what a sad excuse for us to continue to bear their abuse, and most of them know what they are doing, they have had a lifetime of bullying and manipulating and we are supposed to give them leaway...perhaps some can forgive...for me not so much!

Secret Sister,
Video camera!!!! Get her behavior on record for everyone to see. I don't know if you have to let her know you are doing it, but get some sort of proof. Record her too. She has put you in a bad situation. You need to put some distance between the both of you. If you do, maybe she will act out with the people who take care of her at the facility. They need to see the other side of her. Good luck!!!!

Wow, ladies. Thank you for your wonderful support. So many good suggestions, too.

Mom had her lady pastor call FIA (Department of Human Services) to "report" me today, and had her call the Director of the Facility to complain about me, and demand to know why she couldn't just visit anytime she wants, and with whomever she wants, etc. Both attempts failed. The Social Worker stood up for me to all these, (praise God!) and had another talk with Mom about Dad's sensitive case and special needs, and their difficulties in controlling him, etc. ya da... (It didn't penetrate the brain cells or even put a blip on her screen.)

I was there with/for mom from before 10am and back and forth till 10 pm, and my emotions are spent. My whole day was about her drama. I can't go on like this. Mom's meds are confusing, and prescribed by too many doctors, and I need to get some refills, and clarification, and need to figure out why one is missing... Hmmmmm? And find the physician's (3) orders aren't clear or correct...and get so tired of this!

We also stopped at the police station today, for advice about Mom's apartment door being left open, with valuables inside. Then, we visited my dad at the nursing home, and that wasn't great either. He is not doing the best, but is showing decline. I am all beat up and used up and it was an awful day. I feel so like crying from the sadness and grief of it all.

But, I have also been comforted by your wonderful comments, suggestions and support. Been meaning to get a video camera, and may. As for listening to my recordings, nobody wants to throw up; but, if needed...one never knows. And if Mom qualified for a nursing home, we wouldn't even be having some of these conversations. I won't count on anything, until the day. And as for my abuse as a child, well, we won't even go there tonight, though I can relate and agree with much of what you wrote.

But what I find most helpful, is that you all listened, with your hearts, and responded to my need to be heard. Thank you Myra, lucy02, Piratess, and lovingdaughter. I'll go to sleep tonight, knowing I'm not alone, and that someone truly understands. Thank you all for that.

Secretsister, You better believe you're not alone and by the way you and the others here have been a blessing to me.

Well Mom has been in the car about 12 hrs. I have driven her around off and on all day and she made a scene at Kroger. A lady from church came over and tried to get her to come in but couldn't.
Now she's threatening to kill my husband and me. I got this threat on the digital recorder. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go see the Chancery Clerk. She's gonna have to be committed before she seriously hurts herself or someone else. I just hope they don't give me a hard time. Because of her age its hard to get her the help she needs...and we need.

Bless you Secretsister. We are all here for each other and it makes the days and nights easier. I cried last night when I read about some of the stories about parents passing on. It was so emotional and brought back the feelings of my own loss. Right now dealing with my mom is easier knowing you and the others are all out there just a click away. Hope today is better and remember that we are there for you.
Linda

Perhaps she just wants you to leave her alone.
If she is devious and as smart as you say, if she can move furniture and vacuum and do all the other things. Then perhaps
she is reacting to you taking over her life.

You say she steps out of line one more time and she is "gone" well who are you to say she has stepped out of line? Maybe she is quirky, mean, old but it is her house and her life. Just leave her alone if you can and let the hospital / ER deal with her next time.

You say your mother has Narc Pers Disorder... well that is not a diagnosis that deserves having a guardian or losing your home.

You say she pulls stunts that have the neighbors calling the police... I don't know what these stunts are but again,,, why if she needs so much care are the police not turning her over to social services?

Maybe you should just be very clear with her that SHE is responsible for what happens to her. That you will no longer run after her or interfere in her life.

I have no idea how old your mother is but being a Narcissist (sp?) and nutty is no reason to have your daughter take over your life and/or your home.

Green Bean you are way out of line, you don't know the circumstances. She has been in a pysch ward for 72 hour watch and has been 4 years ago under a psych watch and for years the police have come to the house. Now her problem is enhanced with dementia. She cannot take very good care of herself. Her psychaitrist and many others have already said to place her so who the H##L are you to say anything. Please butt out if you are no help to the situation. I have already expressed to her what the situation is, take meds be good or else. Do you fancy the idea of a crazy commotion going on in the neighborhood forever? If you cannot walk in someone's shoes then you need to shut it!

Dear Piratess, some people don't get it. Neglect is not something those who care are willing to do, and some realize incapacitation. So take care of you. I'm praying for you and your Mom. I was going to respond to the above, but didn't. Don't let those who don't know ruffle your feathers.

Hi Secret Sis, Oh no that won't ruffle my feathers, but folks with big mouths who don't know the situation or have lived through the situation always want to open their mouths to make themselves feel superior. I had the same problem with my cousin's girlfriend wanting to have a big mouth in the scenario. All she did was to call APS and make it worse, in the meantime during all that has happened she has not raised her ugly head or mouth in the situation. That's how those folks work, like to interject but know nothing cause more drama and leave more damage. Another roundabout abuser but in a different sense. Believe me I have been researching psychology for a long time, ever since High School, trying to understand my parents, so I have read up on all kinds of personality traits, including the ones that like to have a big mouth and nothing behind it! It makes them feel big and have power over others to make themselves who are really small inside feel big. What I am trying to do for my mother is give her a chance at living at home, I could have placed her, I had a lot of backing, but no I HAD EMPATHY, and wanted to give her the chance at living at home. So folks who don't know what it is all about at close range have nothing to say to me!

Secret Sis, Lucy and Loving Daughter....all hugs all around!!!!!!!!!!!! We need to stay brave and strong!

Piratess,

Agree, agree , agree, walk in my shoes. We never know what it is like for the other caregivers and being here to support each other means the world to me. Some of us should take a step back and put ourselves in the other person's shoes before we pass judgment. I am so glad that so many of us support and don't look for the negative. Thanks for being here for us. You are appreciated.
Linda

Loving Daughter, thanks to you and Secret Sis for your back. You know we don't plan for what parents we get, and all children want to please their parents even if they are the bad ones, especially for the bad ones, because they never really seem to ever be pleased. It's a difficult road to take when you are tossed this in life, to take care of one who is not right in their mind any longer and try to do the best for them. But sometimes you have to take a tough road if it's the best for all situations around. I am trying not to take the worst road, I am trying to keep some normalcy for both her and myself. Folks who have not been in our shoes cannot possibly know the tips and turns, it's almost like a rollercoaster ride. You never know what is around the next bend.

Are You Involved With a Narcissistic Person?

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

According to the American Psychological Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder display a chronic and pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The Greek myth has it that Narcissus died enraptured by the beauty of his own reflection in a pool and feel forever in love with his own reflection. The Narcissist displays an operating style that involves extreme self-involvement, and a grandiose sense of self- importance. They exaggerate their achievements and talents, expecting others to recognize them as superior and often appearing arrogant and extremely self absorbed.

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty, they require the constant attention and admiration of those around them, although they are very choosy about the people and institutions they will associate closely with. They often admit to being snobs and are actually proud of it. They also believe that their problems are unique and can be appreciated only by other “special” high - status people. Despite their charm, the favorable first impression they make, and their wide circle of notable acquaintances, people with this disorder are rarely able to maintain a stable, long-term relationship. With their boastful and pretentious manner, narcissistic persons are seldom receptive to the feelings of others. They show a general lack of empathy, an inability or unwillingness to recognize and identify with your thoughts and needs. Many are often successful, impressively knowledgeable, and articulate, yet bored and doubt ridden as well.

Conversely, healthy narcissism is essential for emotional well-being. We need narcissism to feel confident in ourselves, and to give adequate consideration to others. NOTE: The healthy narcissist does not focus exclusively on themselves, demanding that the world reflect back their false manufactured sense of self and an image of idealized perfection.

If you encounter this personality type, a grasp of the underlying psychology can help you cope more effectively. Lets explore the genesis of the narcissistic personality. As stated above, people with this personality disorder must constantly seek outside support and approval. If they get that support and approval, they feel complete and powerful. Without that support and approval, they feel deprived, exposed, vulnerable, angry, and lonely.

KEY: Early childhood conditioning also plays a part. The child’s real or authentic self has generally been ignored, or the child’s self may have been attacked and assaulted while the parents placed demands on the child to be “perfect.” When that occurs, the type of behavior we associate with a narcissistic disorder is overindulged. Fiercely driven to achieve, children never develop the capacity to consider others’ needs. Enter adulthood, and the same traits naturally carry over.

What To Watch Out For

Most people with this disorder advertise themselves… They seek to be the center of attention. In search of constant approval and praise to reinforce their false grandiose sense of self, they’re “on- stage,” dominating the conversation, often exaggerating their importance.

They lack empathy for others and have an inflated sense of entitlement, requiring others to respond to their demands and grant favors. They need everything for themselves and are envious of others’ accomplishments and possessions.

Criticism or disapproval takes them back to their difficult childhoods, sending them into a defensive fury, since any flaw or mistake means they’re not perfect. Also, when things go wrong, they cannot acknowledge the imperfections implicit in accepting responsibility.

Appearance matters more than substance. Power, wealth and beauty bolster their fragmented self-image.

They may be extremely driven because the “narcissistic fuel” of outside approval is so essential. Many are workaholics. Warning: this personality disorder may not be immediately obvious. The subtle ones won’t show their true colors until “deprived.” Caution: Others may actually pursue and cater to you, if you have something they want, such as looks, money, or status.

Can you change them? Reality check: No. Even constructive criticism is experienced by them as an affront and is met with anger and a sense of betrayal. Placating only results in more demands, not a return of thoughtfulness and consideration. In fact, if you always excuse or rationalize self-absorption and give in to constant demands, you are actually supporting and reinforcing their narcissistic needs and wants.

Coping Tips

Here are some tips on how to cope with the person in your life who processes the narcissistic style. Sometimes the best way to deal with extreme narcissistic behavior is to end the relationship. But since this solution isn’t always possible, I can only offer you some survival techniques…

It is important to set boundaries. Decide which demands you can meet or how much approval you’re willing to give to this person, and then stick to your decision. Also, terminate a self-centered conversation if you can, or at least set a time limit on how long you’ll listen.

Support yourself. If your resistance to them draws their anger or blame, refuse to be emotionally blackmailed. Remember that your time and feelings are not important in this person’s eyes. This can help remove your guilt.

Use bargaining chips. If you have something they want, such as a special expertise or solutions to problems—share it sparingly to keep their worst behavior under control. Be aware that when you no longer satisfy them, their old ways will resurface.

Avoid anger. Any confrontation should be conducted quietly and with control. But even a tactful approach may be greeted with anger or sometimes-frightening rage. Very likely, you’ll hear that the difficult situation is your problem and there’s something wrong with you. Arguing will only make you feel like you will want to blow your brains out. Be careful not to expect accommodation from the other person, but do give yourself points for standing up for your rights.

Finally, know when to leave. Dealing with this personality disorder can undermine your own sense of self. Ask yourself some questions…Do I continually feel depressed, irritable, devalued and worthless? Does my anger and resentment carry over into other relationships? Have I stopped supporting myself in general, not treating myself well or allowing others to coerce me? Bottom line: If you find yourself answering yes too frequently, you must examine the pay-off or importance of your relationship with this person.

Dear Piratess, thanks for writing that all out! What insightful words, and an accurate picture of what so many of us are dealing with. You are such a blessing for sharing that. I'm glad you're here for us, too!

Dear Lucy, what a stressful situation for you and your Mom. Thank God you have supportive church friends at times like these. Please let us know how things are going with your Mom, and how you are holding up. Praying for a decent outcome. Take care of you!

Secret Sis, aw shucks it was nothing...just copy and paste, it was something I had bookmarked and thought I would share. It is not a well known disorder, many psych's want to discount it. I only follow the ones that don't due to some have had first hand accounts of how bad this can be and how detrimental these folks can be on their offspring (or whomever they can torment - sometimes their spouse - causing them to be co-dependent) during their 'entire' lifetime. They do leave a scar on you.

Piratess, thank you for sharing that info. My mom has BPD but not Narcissistic. My mom is the Hermit Mother with another whole set of issue's that i wont go into now.
I just want to tell you gal's that i'm praying for peace for you. You are strong, strong, strong. As much as we want others to know our real moms, it probably isn't gonna happen. We know in our hearts that we are doing the right thing by our moms, regardless of what any one else thinks.
And to you Greenbean, are you caring for a parent with BPD? If so please share with us. But if not, please understand that our journey is one you know nothing about, and it is always best to be sensitive when contributing advise in an unknown area.

Yearight....hugs to you as well g/f!!! BPD is one I have read about as well going across the Cluster B personality disorders. As I have mentioned before I have engrossed myself in this subject once I discovered it. If I find something again on BPD I will post it.
If Greenbean thinks this is something to shrug off, I would love for them to hear what all my mom's neighbors have to say and what they experienced living with her over the years and see if they would like to move in next door. I think not.

tacking this link....some of you may find this post interesting..some of you have already found it....simply amazing!

https://www.agingcare.com/135390

Seems like for your own sanity, you need to start the conservatorship process? I don't know what it all entails, but it sure sounds like you reasonably are at your wits end. Sadly, there are some situations where we simply need to acknowledge that we have done our best, and, are in over our heads.

The only other thing to consider is that for such extreme behaviors, her primary doctor needs to quickly place her on a prescription course of treatment that is strong enough to better neutralize her misplaced energy, up to and including a mildly sedative effect, I would think? You could not possibly go it alone without her being properly medicated. If she is not taking her meds consistently, she clearly poses a danger to herself, and possibly to you. Never hesitate to contact EMS when she starts acting in extremely bizarre ways and will not heed to your care and objective guidance. If EMS gets enough calls and her doctor gets enough EMS and/or hospitalization reports, perhaps her primary care doctor will recognize that her existing medical treatment plan is off course and it is time to look at a Plan B. Don't allow yourself to get lost in this process. It will become all-consuming if you don't put the brakes on it now.

You mentioned conservatorship, and you may be there, even if difficult to accept. There's only one you. Time for you to reclaim your life, health, and, sanity. Your Mom's symptoms are raging out of control from everything you have said. You are not a mental health practitioner.

Thanks, SS, for the compassionate and informational answer. Yes, there are times when the family caregiver needs to get all of the outside help available, and sometimes that means taking legal action. Mental illness is not something logic, or even love, can handle alone, and subsituting the loss one one's own physical and mental health for the sake of one we want to help, but can't, isn't what caregiving is about.

There comes a time for many when some people can't do it alone. This is certainly one of those times.
Carol

Greenbean, I don't think you understand about the police. They don't WANT to get involved especially with an elderly person. It doesn't matter how bad it gets. After the deal last night (which was recorded) they still hesitated. Fortunately Mom is now getting the help she needed, but I can tell you the authorities are not eager to help. Their concern is a possible lawsuit (from what I have been able to determine) not the patient or the family.

Caregiverslight, you nailed it exactly right on the head!

THANKS so much!!!

I credited SecretSister with the positive note about Caregiverslight's post. While SecretSister has a lot of good posts, the one I meant to point to was by CGL. You all have had such great posts, it's an honor to be a part of this.
Carol