How do you continue to be a caregiver when your parent has always had some form of mental illness...in my case Narcissitic Personality Disorder. My mother has always suffered from this and now trying to be a more closely caretaker is bringing me down. No one is realizing I cannot take care of her by myself. She is crafty and her aging just makes is all much worse. More and more calls from neighbors to the police or paramedics with her stunts. They say she cannot be alone but I cannot tolerate to be around her. She refuses to go to a nursing home, so now trying to find someone who will at least come and check on her a couple times a day at least to give her her psych meds. There is no one to help me. I have been of work for almost a month on FMLA and it seems to be a waste of my time, since she can do many things by herself...(she just tore apart the patio cleaning it ...an 85 year old pushing and pulling couches and vacumns...) mental illness in an aging parent..HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i AM SURE WE WILL HAVE SOME MORE WONDERFUL TALKS AND EMAILING THE PRESIDENT IS A TERRIFIC IDEA WE SHOULD KINDA SORT THRU INFO AND SEND IT i WILL SEE WHAT I COME UP WITH THIS WEEK END i HAVE A LONG WEEK END WONT BE BACK IN UNTIL TUESDAY BUT I HAVE A PC AT HOME FOR SOMEREASON i CAN'T GET MY NOTIFICATIONS T HOME ANY MORE ?? HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT TO. XXXXOO
Yearight...still looking for an article for you as well.
Here is an article from the same gal who set up a website dealing with her horrors that I mentioned before and have posted from before:
Criticism and the Narcissist
or how the narcissist makes you the problem
There is an interesting article published in 1990 in a psychology journal that I'd like to reference in this and upcoming posts. Parts of the article are more interesting than others so I'll summarize some of them in my own words. The parts of this article that I plan to highlight here on my blog are those concepts that I've personally seen and experienced. If I've seen and experienced it, then it is likely you have too.
One of the concepts this article visits is the subject of criticism as used by the narcissist. One of the terms this article uses is "narcissistically defended person". What this means is that the person is either a narcissist, or they have adopted narcissistic defenses even if their over-all personality can not be classified as someone with NPD. So, some of the behaviors can be seen in a person who can not be reasonably classified as having the full-blown disorder of narcissism. But, I'm here to tell ya, it is likely you will see most, if not all, of the behaviors in a narcissist.
One of the ways that the "narcissistically defended person" avoids making reparations in a relationship is by making you the problem. One vehicle for this process is criticism. There are several ways that you open yourself up to criticism from the narcissist:
He may see you as an extension of himself therefore any imperfection in you is a reflection on him and threatens his view of himself as being perfect. "Grandiose self", as the professionals refer to it, is under threat when you fall short of his expectations.
Or you can disappoint him by not being the perfect counterpoise to his grand self. He expects you to be effortlessly all-knowing and all empathic. You are expected to perceive his needs, his wants, his thoughts without him ever having to ask you to. This, of course, preserves his delusion of himself that he is god-like.
As long as he doesn't have to ask you for something he can pretend he doesn't need you.
This is very important to this discussion. His grandiose view of himself doesn't allow him to admit to himself that he needs anybody. Even those who could not be considered narcissistic can have a hard time admitting to needing others. It is sort of the human condition. With the narcissist, though, it is carried to an extreme. It is this unbending conviction that they need no one that makes either true gratitude or true remorse impossible for him to give to you.
What I'm talking about today is how you are set up by the narcissist for criticism. Not only does admitting to having needs of his own threaten his god-like status, but your expressing a need that you want the narcissist to fulfill, or your telling him how you feel about something he has said or done, puts a target on your head. Zap. You hardly know what hit you. He can turn it around on you in an instant.
Example: a narcissist who is nurturing a grandiose vision of herself as a spiritual paragon of virtue is asked to admit that she gossiped about you. Rather than admit to being a gossip she will tell you that she only stated the truth about you and apparently you can't handle the truth being said. Because there some truth in her gossip, you suddenly feel like you have no right to expect an apology or restitution. The narcissist successfully transfers attention from their defects of character to your alleged defects. You were disarmed because of the smidgen of truth in the accusations.
In psychological terms, the narcissist pathologizes you in order to preserve the false grand image of themselves. In the wake of the narcissistic attack you are left feeling like you are bad. This is related to the idea of projection. You challenged their god-like and perfect image in some way, so they are compelled to transfer their unconscious sense of badness onto you in order to render themselves without fault or imperfection. This is very destructive to you.
Something the article focuses on is how the narcissist can do this pathologizing of you all the more effectively if they are versed in psychoanalytic terms and processes. This can be someone who works in the field of psychology or simply someone who has immersed themselves in pop psychology books. I have experienced this personally with my sister. She became a much more adept manipulator, much more subtle manipulator, after she'd spent some time studying a Christian psychology-based course. After that she was always diagnosing everyone else's supposed faults and became very adept at pathologizing anyone who dared to contradict her in any way. Because she can sound so authoritative and use professional sounding terms to pathologize her victims, the victims are usually rendered voice-less and condemned without any hope of appeal. Not to mention the extra power of using a Christianized form of psychology to keep people subjected spiritually and morally as well as emotionally. I hate Christian psychology. It is mis-used much more than people like to admit.
There is a growing understanding out there among the professionals that traditional psychological methods tend to worsen personality-disordered individuals rather than help them for the same reasons that I have observed in my sister; the personality-disordered person uses the information to improve their manipulation skills, not to correct their own character defects. Keep this in mind if you are toying with the idea of dragging the narcissist into therapy with you. Chances are you will end up with a bigger problem on your hands than you started with.
Above are described some of the ways you can find yourself cut down and cut to pieces by a narcissist's projection and criticism so you can avoid this dance. You don't have to participate in the narcissist's attempts to annihilate you and thereby preserve their grand selves. The narcissist's criticism is their defense against any and all hints that they are less than God Himself. The narcissist's efforts to transfer all fault onto you is not about you. It is about him. You are simply a tool to prop up his false image.
She is fighting me, though. They don't deal directly with her as I do. But she is trying to use legal powers to come against me. She thinks I'm the one with the problem, and until all the legal entities agree, and align themselves as a united front, I'm not only fighting her, but them as well. She's trying to make me afraid of them claiming she has "rights" that are being violated. She's making false accusations, playing the "Elder Abuse" card. That's a sick, and dangerous game. I hate this!
Pity the children who have no advocate. (Of which I was one. And neither mom or dad, or anyone else had much pity for.) But they were quick to blame their children for every little infraction, and demanded perfection, which was impossible to attain. O, there's millstones waiting for parents like that. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. So, I just say, the battle is the Lord's.
Today, I am on the defensive. She's striking preemptively, and getting coached by the seniors in her complex. They're circling the wagons, and hemming her in, and pushing me out. She casts me aside as if I have no value, and she can take things from here, with no thanks to me. Never mind I saved them from bankruptcy. She wants to be bankrupt. She wants full control of all her finances, and despises my restrictions and limitations. She, who signed a home equity line of credit, now says she didn't know her husband took out that loan, and all the financial problems were his fault. She says he would never talk to her about finances, and I just took them away. Ignore the bill collectors at the door; she didn't do anything wrong! What's a CD? What's an asset? And what happened to all our life insurance policies? Little does she know who is steering her ship, and keeps her boat safely anchored at the dock.
By the way, N's never, never, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER will admit they are wrong...it's not in their vocabulary. So you file it away in your head that once again they are wrong and you are right, you are sane and they are not...and keep going.
If it helps pretend you are from an outside agency helping her, she's someone else's big problem and you are the Court Appointed Guardian. Believe ME THE MEDS WILL HELP!!!!!!
Hopefully the doctor on Monday will prescribe them.
I would be in a sugar induced coma.
I do not care if he has no money in his wallet.
Let him howl.
He has really good care, she buys him real food. Keeps things clean. her husband comes in and does the jobs that I will no longer allow my husband to do. I want his money to go for those things. My brother has agreed to be the one who takes away the credit card and the check book. (I like him better now.)
-Get this- dad made a huge fuss that people were coming into his home at night. He didn't call the police because by the time he woke up, they were gone-...?...hmm. surprizing.
So, I took his check book and credit card, he thought it was the safe thing to do, then, I stole his money. I gave him back his credit card and check book. He has it, uses it, and somehow, I sssssssstill have his credit card and check book. I show it to him, I put it into his hands, my mother writes checks and has him sign them( without knowing what his balance is-but why should that concern anyone but me?) And he still tells people that we are stealing his money.
They are children in the candy store. With a charge card. Even the care giver says that it has to stop.
She talked on the phone with me for about an hour tonight. My mother lives half an hour away from my father, but in her dementia...
-I KNOW she should not be driving... that is a whole 'nother thread.-
...she comes to his house about four times a week and drives him 40 miles into town, each week. She is on the 'appease her husband loop.' My father is on the, 'you never take me to town and I have no food' loop. Neither one of them can remember yesterday. or five minutes ago. I think now is the time to realize that they are not adults anymore. We have to step in and treat them as children. not with disrespect, but with the knowledge that they are not able to make wise choices or good decisions. No more guilt here. It is what it is.
sad.
but I can get over that.
Linda
So she can be Queen Margret the 2nd along with Neon's mom!!!!!!!
If old means getting like this...I don't want to go there at all!!!!!
My husband and i built a new house so that we could move my parents in with us. Well, we were gonna do it anyway but we made it much bigger than we would have other wise. My parents have half of the house. Master bedroom and bath, formal living and dinning room. The kitchen separates them from our side of the house. We have two bedrooms, family rm. is ours.
When we were moving our things in my brother came over and began to tell us what we could and couldn't do once mom and dad moved in. Well as you can imagine we were livid.
I was reverting back to my fearful, walking on eggshell's younger self as it was. See, my mom raised me to worship my brother because she did. I was conditioned to never let my feelings out. Just take it and shut up. Don't ever make brother mad. Don't ever disagree with him.
So when he started this crap i didn't say anything and so after moving them in the tension just climbed higher and higher. i was a nervous wreck. One night my husband found me in our bedroom closet and said what are you doing? i said "quite time", we both laughed but i thought oh geez, i'm loosing it.
So than finally "it" hit the fan and words were said by everyone
but it was just putting a bandaid on it. Because as you know, mom and brother had done nothing wrong in there minds but hubby and i were horrid monsters.
The first yr. my mom lived with me, she ranted and raved, sobbed anytime i disagreed with her. Accused me and my family of abusing her rotten dog ( that's a whole 'nother story), accused me of trying to kill her. Accused the hospice nurse and dr. of trying to kill her. But of course never to their faces.
It was pure, rotten, hell in this house.
The guilt trips were heaped on me. This was her big thing when i was a kid to. Whenever i disagreed with her "are you trying to give me a heart attack"; "you want me dead, don't you". Well of course i would be broken and contrite. And beg her forgiveness, because i didn't want her dead. i didn't know there was anything wrong with her, i thought all mom's were like this.
And so she started that crap again, except i was grown up this time and although the little girl in me was still there trying to appease mommy, the woman in me won. So as time has gone by and i don't let her nonsense get to me,as much, she has begun to settle down.
Oh my, im sorry that i have rambled on. There are just so many stories, so much "stuff". Hurtful "stuff". Nasty "stuff".
When we were talking earlier about lines our mom's used how about " I've raised my kids, I'm not raising your's".
My mom would not ever babysit for me. But now i know that is a GOOD thing! She really wanted nothing to do with her grandkids.(my brother never had kids)
And one more thing, something i read in an earlier post about NPD, it said, "are they different from everyone else in their family", that hit me right between the eye's. My mom had 6 siblings and she was the only one like that. My aunt's and uncle's were totally different.
And one more thing,(i know,i know) do you know that i feel guilty talking about my mom on this blog. She conditioned me that way, i guess.
I feel like i'm doing a bad thing. Doing something bad behind mommies back. Oh Lord, help me. Us. I'm so glad that he does.
My mom was/is a chocolate/candy stasher, too. I found a huge tub of is when she still lived downstate. I took pictures, thinking I may someday have to prove a point to some authority, some day. That day may be soon, with her requests to "her day in court" in her recent letter to a judge.
I also took photos of her huge piles of stuff/mail, etc, in her office. And her house full of nick knacks. Things she couldn't do to keep up. And the large amounts of debt. The credit cards were the first to go. I started taking one at a time, just to put a stop to the hemmorraghing. Then, when I was appointed Conservatorship, I did away with them all, along with all their checkbooks. I stopped monthly internet fees and etc. I quit sending money to organizations, zoo memberships, clubs, etc. Sickening. Such waste. It was pure joy to do away with all that folly! I paid off all their credit cards, and will never let them have them again. Children, indeed. Unruly, undisciplined, unsupervised and unfettered. But no more, just heaps of humanity, brought down by failing cognitive abilities, and declining health. Very sad. No dignity in that, and for all their pride, now they have shame. No glory, but a blot. So sad. I don't mean to kick a man while he's down, but they had some real bad habits gone sour. Now they pay the consequences. It's nothing but sad.
Good advice and perspective for dealing with mom as "stranger." Some are stranger than others, I say. I'm more a serf, to the Queen bee of E. At least, in her thinking. In mine, I'm just helping out the helpless.
Feeling much better today. That feeling of sinking dread is all but gone. Have to take some meds to her now. Read you later.
Yes that woman conditioned you and your brother wants to chime in on that earlier training...DO NOT LET HIM...tell him to get stuffed..and to RESPECT YOU LIKE AN ADULT..not that he will but do not let them get the upperhand...if you do then they know they can get under your skin.
Wow you let those abusers have more than 1/2 of a beautiful house you custom built. Wow you have a big heart.
This is the house I get to inherit full of mess and falling into dis-repair. Over the past couple of months I have gotten a lot of stuff squared away. My father would never help me get my own house, he said what do you need a house for, you have a house. I said yeah but that is much later. I guess he never wanted me to have anything better than him. Even when I was 38 and needed a new car they mentioned getting a used one..I SAID WHAT?..no way I am finally capable of getting my own and a new one at that. Then when he knew I could pay for my own car, then he offered, yeah nice gesture - a little late. I remember them bringing over a used car one day and I said you can take it back. I remember them bringing me a big easy chair again from the thrift shop...I guess I was never good for new stuff. When I was a kid I always got their hand me downs. I see so many kids these days with the best of everything...and I think to myself...boy those kids have it so good. And then think back to what I got. I am surprised they bought me a new stereo system when I was in my mid teens.
My mother also keeps all kinds of paper, stuff you usually toss, business cards they stick on your door, ads, I found a million note pads from reality people. I got rid of so much junk. I bought a new shredder to shred stuff. I don't think she liked that..but oh well. I found that she had ripped open two bags of shredded stuff I guess to check what I had done. It looked like a racoon ripped it open..I thought how animalistic. I also found a ton of note pads with the same name and phone numbers written over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..(yes I am not exaggerating). I am still finding those (she still is making them) and toss them when I find them. Not just one phone book with concise info. But my mother could never keep a neat phone book EVER! She cleaned house immacuately when I was growing up but other things 'oh my gosh'. I remember when I was a kid I had a pencil sharpener on the end of my dad's work bench in the garage, that crazy cow would take her eyebrow pencils (she would shave off her eyebrows and pencil them in badly - emphasis on badly) out there to try to sharpen them, and would gum it up. And I would clean all the treads out and get it going again. No sooner she would try it again. Oy vey! Both parents would get into my desk because I would have everything I needed so they tapped it alot. My mother could never get tape going correctly and would take a paring knife to the tape and then really mess it up by the tape roll now rolling out 6 layers thick of tape. That used to drive me crazy. Now I find tons of tape over there, but not clear tape, masking tape, duct tape, electrical tape. It's like they never knew where they put stuff so they re-bought over and over. Oh I got stories...like we all have. The thrift shop guy said he can use the tape. I said I will round up some and bring you some. LOL
Just got back from mom's. She wasn't frothing at the mouth. She was even nice to my big and little guys. Now I'm thinking BiPolar, cuz she was a different creature yesterday. Glad it's over.
Linda
I also worry that if I expose too much, then someone will recognise me and hell will break loose...but I could be any one of you. And the more I read on other sites, yipe.
I keep thinking,"you have a good handle on this, now you need to walk away and not nurse this thing."
Then, I think, maybe I just think I have a good handle and when the money finally gets taken away...will I be able to handle the fury? When mom's car is taken away? (The doctor has already agreed to be the bad guy and have her license revoked, but not yet... I am so NOT looking forward to her losing her means of independence.) If the earth starts to change rotation on it's axis, you'll know the deed was done. Don't bother checking in for the news reports, you'll know.
Also, I have become attached to you all, and worry for you. I also was thinking that mitzipink should be here on this thread as well, I worry for her too. This thread is like a validation of sanity. We can all use that. Some days more than others.
I have two black eyes this morning. I look like either some drug addict, or an abused spouse. If any of you have a cure for sinus infections, I would love to hear them. I do saline rinse, and it's helping, but is is three weeks today and I am getting weary of it.
Doctor is out, no money. Business is dead. I am better than I was, but I am ready to be well now.
I feel suspended right now, waiting for mom's upcoming psychiatric visit on Monday. Just talked to them, and they are willing to hear my input. Where do I start? What do I say? What's in our best interests? I'm in turmoil, and mom will not like to hear ANY of what I'd like to share. What a mess! I have the weekend to put some things together and fax them to the Doctor. Lord, give me clarity of thought and strength to get through this. Any suggestions?
They see more than we will ever know.
Let them know what duties you have taken over.
She will howl, they'll go,'Um-hmm"
Don't label her. let them do that.
Let them know what you think may need to be done for her better interest and her safety.
She will howl, they will go,"mmm-hum."
Let them know WHAT YOU NEED for your mental safety, health and well being.
she will wail, and howl, and fuss, and fume and they will know everything you have gone through with out you having to say a word.
All of this is new to us, but they have been studying this and have been exposed to this their entire working lives.
...and I am hoping that is good advice, because that is how I plan on handling it.
I have emailed my sister, asking for the same. She slipped and slid all over the place, and sent back such a jello response, I almost cried.
But then she wrote some of her observations. I'll copy them for use if needed. What a strange world with mental illness. I cry for my past, and for the defensive position this has put me in. Why do I need to defend me? My goodness, can't they see?
I know you all will be here when I need ya, and I will check in a bit when I feel you may need me. You all will be in my daily thoughts anyway. (as will all of those kids crying on the back porch wondering how to fix what's wrong. I pray for them.) I just thought it was my family, my fault. now it could be any family, anywhere. any kid, any face.
but, laundry. bathrooms.dust...eech.
When i find myself coming to this site at work than i know i need to back off and give it a rest for awhile.
i count you all as a blessing and i know you will be here for me
whenever i check in.
When I had many concerns about my mom's health, I wrote a letter with each concern listed with the little bullet dots so that the DR. could not miss them. Then I faxed it to him one week before her appointment. When he came into the room, he had read it, knew my concerns and had gotten me the answers so that we didn't spend time going over each explanation of every point. It was so helpful. Having it ahead of time gave him the time to prepare, and I didn't forget anything that I wanted to discuss with him since it was all written down. Hope this helps. Good luck. We are all here for you.
Linda
Oh well, let's keep in mind when we all get a better handle on this to maybe do something about it.
Well when I took my mom to her first psych meeting. The doctor asked her one question what was the date...she didn't respond, so he turned around and I blurted out everything in a quick snapshot, she was grumbling under her breath...they hate the truth, they bury it in their psyche and make themselves righteous on the outside. YUCK...not fooling me NO MORE, not since I discovered NPD several months ago. So I am taking it day by day....it's all you can do.
I've been thinking about the "less is more" theme. I've been trying to share my observations for almost two years, with varying results. So thankful that a couple listened. I do need more help, though. This is a very rough road. I figure if things don't go well on Monday, I'll go back to the clinic, and ask for a second opinion. They had someone else in mind, and if we don't find the help necessary, I will seek a different approach. It's a tenuous place to be, when they listen to a abusing adult, whose children suffered untold misery, then go on to protect the "poor little elder" who is still playing the "poor old me" card. When it's my word against mom's, many are willing to believe her, because she can be very convincing. She knows how to play on the sympathy of others, and lie through her teeth to protect her image. I just want the truth told, once and for all. If only I have that opportunity, and they'd believe.
I talked to the nurse at the psychiatrist's office today, and she said something about what's in the best interest of the patient, and that this may be a court issue, for them to decide. Since when does a doctor turn things over to a court? Why are they so ready to protect someone they haven't even met, when I'm trying to get help for her, and they are willing to have me removed as guardian before I even talk to them? This is getting ridiculous!!! She also said they would value my input. I'll guess that remains to be seen. Mom won't, that's for sure! She'll lie her way out of anything I try to say. That's why I was trying to get my sister's back up. And my husband has seen some things, too. When will the professionals stop and listen to BOTH sides, and let the truth come out? I've never seen so much tap dancing in my life, except for the egg shells we grew up with. I sure could use some prayer through this.
Thanks for responding, and for listening. I am sure you understand, and believe me. Just wish you could help me with my mom! Thanks for being here, and thanks for your prayers.
So Sis, I think you are trying too hard...it seems when you do that everything flies back in your face, seems that happens to me too. Who cares what that nurse said, what a snotass! She's not the one who is going to diagnose your mom the Dr. is. Hopefully he WILL PRESCRIBE MEDS. Seems like they want a nation of mentals disturbing the peace doesn't it.
(Just like they let that child sex offender back on the streets in California just so he could nab that little 11 year old 18 years ago...just think if they would just put away those that cannot never be cured...she would have had a normal life. ( Newstory hot in the news right now.) It's too bad the government did away with the Mental Institutions like they did in the old days..now I know they were horrid back then, but if they brought them up to speed (no unnecessary cruelty and experiments) and really accepted the mentally incapable it would help a lot in society! )
We want them to be happy, or at least content. I hope this will help you both.
Hope all is well. Keep us posted. We are praying for you.
Linda