How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Well Mom has been in the car about 12 hrs. I have driven her around off and on all day and she made a scene at Kroger. A lady from church came over and tried to get her to come in but couldn't.
Now she's threatening to kill my husband and me. I got this threat on the digital recorder. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go see the Chancery Clerk. She's gonna have to be committed before she seriously hurts herself or someone else. I just hope they don't give me a hard time. Because of her age its hard to get her the help she needs...and we need.

Secretsister, You better believe you're not alone and by the way you and the others here have been a blessing to me.

Wow, ladies. Thank you for your wonderful support. So many good suggestions, too.

Mom had her lady pastor call FIA (Department of Human Services) to "report" me today, and had her call the Director of the Facility to complain about me, and demand to know why she couldn't just visit anytime she wants, and with whomever she wants, etc. Both attempts failed. The Social Worker stood up for me to all these, (praise God!) and had another talk with Mom about Dad's sensitive case and special needs, and their difficulties in controlling him, etc. ya da... (It didn't penetrate the brain cells or even put a blip on her screen.)

I was there with/for mom from before 10am and back and forth till 10 pm, and my emotions are spent. My whole day was about her drama. I can't go on like this. Mom's meds are confusing, and prescribed by too many doctors, and I need to get some refills, and clarification, and need to figure out why one is missing... Hmmmmm? And find the physician's (3) orders aren't clear or correct...and get so tired of this!

We also stopped at the police station today, for advice about Mom's apartment door being left open, with valuables inside. Then, we visited my dad at the nursing home, and that wasn't great either. He is not doing the best, but is showing decline. I am all beat up and used up and it was an awful day. I feel so like crying from the sadness and grief of it all.

But, I have also been comforted by your wonderful comments, suggestions and support. Been meaning to get a video camera, and may. As for listening to my recordings, nobody wants to throw up; but, if needed...one never knows. And if Mom qualified for a nursing home, we wouldn't even be having some of these conversations. I won't count on anything, until the day. And as for my abuse as a child, well, we won't even go there tonight, though I can relate and agree with much of what you wrote.

But what I find most helpful, is that you all listened, with your hearts, and responded to my need to be heard. Thank you Myra, lucy02, Piratess, and lovingdaughter. I'll go to sleep tonight, knowing I'm not alone, and that someone truly understands. Thank you all for that.

Secret Sister,
Video camera!!!! Get her behavior on record for everyone to see. I don't know if you have to let her know you are doing it, but get some sort of proof. Record her too. She has put you in a bad situation. You need to put some distance between the both of you. If you do, maybe she will act out with the people who take care of her at the facility. They need to see the other side of her. Good luck!!!!

First off, I have to say it's amazing when professionals so to speak want to say their "Holy blah blah blah" that don't help us a bit and will never walk in our shoes. They can GO AWAY in my book they have not helped AT ALL. So yes Myra is right our mothers have NARCISSITIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, as I have mentioned before in the now very long and getting longer post that I started, and nothing will make them ( the mental mothers ) understand what they HAVE DONE or will CONTINUE TO DO until they die. PERIOD that is all there is on that subject matter.

No one understands unless they have gone through a lifetime of abuse to us and now we are the caretakes..oh woe and beware we don't do anything to them cause their OLD. Well who the hell helped us and was an advocate for us all those years of childhood and adolescese where we had to sucumb to that....where were their big mouths then?

No one understands unless they walked those years in our shoes and continue to walk in those shoes dealing with an aging mentally off parent. I know they tricks they pull too, I see my mom being sweet to outsiders then a vicious mouth behind their back after they leave. I heard my mother saying "Stupid Mule" the other day I think she was talking about me, because I had tried to explain to her to give me her bank statements and her extra money she has hidden to place into a safe I just bought for her, due to she had a bunch of boxes and places she was stuffing everything. I am trying to make things concise and clean and all she thinks about is me ripping her off. My parents always treated me like an outsider especially with anything to do with the house or money. And here I am left as caretaker trying to do the right thing and then still get the knife in the back. So yes ladies I know what it is to try to do your best and all you get is outside factors dishing you CRAP!

I would have gone right up in front of all those people at that building and say flat out in a calm, professional voice the story behind your mother, and that you have warned them. If she uses them and they finally catch on, all you can say is " I TOLD YOU SO ". Document everything, even if it is with professionals. I was just thinking this weekend how shamefull it is that the government cannot step in and help individuals like us...and just let this entire horror of a drama play out with our lives. First they have made us miserable all their lives and when we are trying to do the best for them, get more twisted abuse by them and the outside world..amazing simply amazing. Two hundred years ago or even less these same individuals we are dealing with now would have been in insane asylums with horrid conditions, now look at the spoiling they get. Government doesn't want to touch them unless they hurt themselves or others first. Let's not count the mental abuse we have endured a lifetime and still enduring now they are at their worst. SO THESE PROFESSIONALS WITH THEIR BIG MOUTHS can just go away unless they truly have something that can HELP!

The best help I have found is other folks' blogs and post, those have been the biggest help to me over any PROFESSIONAL!!!

Secret Sis since you have Conservatorship why don't you place her in a Nursing home that has lock down capabilities? I know if my mom got to that stage I will not be dealing with her anymore...no way...she has done enough to me during my lifetime. I just love the excuse these folks have that they are mental and can't help it...what a sad excuse for us to continue to bear their abuse, and most of them know what they are doing, they have had a lifetime of bullying and manipulating and we are supposed to give them leaway...perhaps some can forgive...for me not so much!

Secretsister, My heart goes out to you. I can understand and sympathize with you. Mom is in the car right now and won't get out (been there about an hour) throwing a little tantrum. Have you thought about whipping out some of those recordings you made of her. Maybe that would make a believer out of them. Although I have learned that even with evidence staring them in the face some people will never admit they were wrong about something.

SecretSister,I can't imagine how it feels to have everyone questioning your experience with your mother. I worked with a person once whose mother was narcisstic and who had borderline personality disorder, she had been a terrible mother. When she died people came to the funeral and told the person I knew how wonderful her mother had been, it was awful for her and she wanted to scream she was a monster, but didn't. I pray for strength and hope for you. Do what you have to for yourself first, set those boundaries, what you stop doing, maybe her fanclub will do, probably not for long once they get to know her like you do. Peace, SecretSister!

Dear lucy and Myra, thank you ladies, for responding. I did just get back from a Resident Meeting at Mom's facility, which is government subsidized housing. The "leader" who runs this facility, and 8 government houses, instead of listening to me, and trying to understand, wanted to take Mom's side, and suggest I was being harsh, or unfair, and kept saying, "I don't believe this..." My husband left work to be there, having a foreboding this morning. He arrived at the tail end of it, and I decided against publicly telling everyone present about Mom's "problems." It's hard to explain, but I feel the deck is stacked against me there, and that they all want to believe her, (as such a sweet, wonderful thing, and not me). We tried to tell her that she acts different in public than she does with me, and she said, "I just can't believe this." She said, "Can't you just give her some money?" I do. She is mad because I put limits on it, and has everyone believing I'm not. This woman took notes, and I had the sinking feeling (when she suggested this is a legal problem) that I may not hear the end of this as far as that goes.

My stomach is so upset right now. Last week's cold sore was not enough. Now I feel, literally, like throwing up! To make matters worse, I have to go pick her up to visit her husband, then take her to Petoskey for a follow up shot after yesterday's Chemo. I am so thankful that my husband will be going with us. Otherwise, I'd really struggle with the stress of it. He will be my stabilizing force during the rest of this day. It was an awful afternoon, and may be a trying afternoon, but we will survive.

I didn't tell you the whole story. There were two other ladies who were screaming at me in front of the apartments regarding Mom's care. It was ugly! I asked to speak with them, but wish I hadn't. I never hope to talk with them again. This has become so outrageous, I don't even know what to think about things at this point. I know I feel like crying.

lucy, I only wish the "leader" would have tried to understand. She seemed more inclined to want to "manage" me. She dismissed herself, and left us sitting there. We dismissed ourselves and came home for lunch. I don't have much an appetite right now. I came here for comfort. This hurts. I feel like "the bad daughter who doesn't take proper care of her mother," after being around that "leader," and Mom's enabling "friends." They were not even willing to listen or try and understand anything, but wanted to give me a piece of their mind, which is very hard on me.

Myra, thank you for your response. Boundaries. That's exactly what Mom is fighting against! Especially from me. I feel like I'm losing the battle. Yes, I wish there were a cure, too. Thank you for your words.

We definitely could use some prayer.

I would like to add that psychotherapy is helpful for many mental illnesses, but a personality disorder is literally part of one's personality, hence the name. So there is no "cure," as frustrating as that is, it is the truth. So the challenge becomes dealing with the person, and as someone else mentioned setting boundaries is a great place to start. Your situation sounds tough, and my heart goes out to you. I wiish there was a cure! Take care of yourself.

Boy secretsister. Your story sounds so much like mine, well, only I think yours is worse. Mom just got through launching a tirade because I didn't jump up that very minute to take her to the grocery and and the pharmacy. Well she wants to get groceries for her parents who have been deceased for over 50 yrs and she just got her meds filled and won't take them. They won't refill them again this quick. Plus the only thing she wants to take is Exlax and Tylenol..don't need a prescription for that. She's screaming at me and my hubby to move cause this is her house and we're not paying rent. This is her house. She has 3 houses. She lived in one and this one was sitting here empty when we left our home abt. 15 miles away and moved here to be near her after my brother died. I have offered to pay her rent since day one but she won't take it. She moved in with us after her heart surgery in 2005 or 2006. I pay the bills. I've driven her around for all these years cause she don't drive but according to her I've done nothing for her and I'm a terrible person. My brother, on the other hand, was the most wonderful person in the world. She accused my husband of beating her to her Sunday School Class. She accuses me of trying to take her money, her land, etc. and buying drugs. She seems so sweet to other people and I think they tend to believe her too. She has a way of manipulating and working people. I wish I had some answers for you, secretsister. Is there one person there at the complex that is kind of a "leader"? Maybe you could sit down and talk with them and get them to understand.

I just called the complex where Mom lives, to talk to the Director, to let her know that Mom is using everyone there for rides, money and sympathy, but she wouldn't hear it. She defended Mom, saying how everyone there loves her, and that she "fits in so well." I told her that Mom is under psychiatric care, and is on restricted visits at the Nursing Home where Dad is. Due to her abusive behavior toward him, and to his anger and aggression, they have suggested that she come with me (their Guardian) for supervised visits, limited to twice a week, for 15 minutes at a time.

But, I cringe each time I see them together, as Mom doesn't talk nicely to him, and leads him about like a lost puppy she found at the fair. She tries to groom him, cutting his nails, but he is very resistant. She talks to him like a bad child, jerking his limbs, demanding he "sit still" while she give his a pedicure, which is apparently uncomfortable for him. He can barely lift his legs to a position on her lap, and pulls back from her efforts. Heaven forbid he should resist her, or any one else!

Perhaps I should have posted on a thread, called: At My Wits End. She is beginning to refuse to follow through on doctors visits, saying, "I don't want to see any more doctors." We haven't even gotten started with her Psychiatrist, yet. Most of the people around her think she's "lovely," and a sweet little old lady. Whenever I try to warn them from giving her money or rides, they think I'm "denying her," or am being unnecessarily mean. They won't even listen when I try to tell them that I do, in fact, give her spending money. Seems they would rather coddle her, than listen to me. I am at a loss at to how to handle things from here. Any suggestions?

I am my parent's Guardian and Conservator - for a reason. They left things a mess, and I am cleaning things up. Or trying to. In the last year and a half, I have made great progress. I paid off approximately $98,000.00 worth of their debt, liquidating their assets. It has been a tremendous amount of work, and huge learning curve. I go to Probate this week for the Allowing of their annual account.

A remaining $30,000.00 worth of debt remains, though I am picking away at it a little at a time, as I sell off more of their things. The next step is cleaning out their huge uninhabited house. That will take some time, expecially since the house is 200 miles away from mine, and from their present dwellings.

The problem is this: Mom is making my life difficult, as usual. It's different, than when I grew up in her home, but a struggle, just the same. She tells my sister that she does not want to take over the bills, (not even an option) but she is not cooperating with me, either. She wants to dictate how things are spent, and how decisions are made. This is creating all sorts of difficulties, both for herself, and for me.

In nature, what do you call a 2 headed animal? A freak. They do not survive. I don't know how I will get past our current difficulties.

Mom will ask me for something, and expect me to get it for her RIGHT NOW. For instance, groceries, furniture from 200 miles away, new clothing, her medications, etc. And if I don't do what she asks, she cries, "Abuse! Abuse!" And tells anyone who will listen how badly she is being treated. I cannot and will not honor every request. She is on a limited budget, and like I said, still in debt. No matter to Mom. If she wants something, that's all she knows, and that's all she cares about.

One great problem arises when a compassionate soul feels sorry for this "poor little old lady, whose mean daughter won't give her every thing her little heart desires." And Mom really knows how to play up the sympathy. She can spin a story to elicit the compassions of professionals, peers, and just about anyone who will listen. Poor, pitiful lady.

Ha! What they don't know, is that Mom has been doing this for 73 years. She is a master deceiver, and a spoiled rotten brat who never knew healthy boundaries, and never grew up. Her method? Anger, lying, attack, and whining. It is more than sickening.

I went to fill a prescription for her the other day, only to find it had already been picked up by someone else. I was stunned; shocked! I left, reeling, and wondered how it was paid for. I called Mom. She was mad, because she said, "The Pharmacy screwed up. They gave me a prescription I didn't need. You have to take it back." (We had a verbal discontinuation, and the Pharmacist didn't know it yet.) I told her that they didn't return meds; that it was against the law. She said, "Well, I'm not paying for it."

Thing is, she didn't pay for it to begin with. She convinced a woman from her apartment building to get it for her. That and $50.00 worth of meds altogether. I asked how it was paid for. She said, "You have to pay for it." I don't think so!!!

I drove back to the Pharmacy. They know me, Mom by name. I asked them to: "Please make a note on her records not give medications to anyone else but me, and to not accept telephone orders from Mom any longer."

I told my sister about it, and she was floored, asking, "How could they just give them to anyone? What if that person stole them?" Good point. I've been wondering the same thing.

She does the same with activities and events. I give her spending money, but it's never enough. She tells her "friends" that I "never give her any money," and they all get to hating me, and feeling sorry for her. So much so, that they offer to buy her lunch out, or a ticket to a play, etc. She hates public transportation, and lies, saying they won't come at a certain time, and convinces people to drive her hither and yon. When I see her out in public, or someone from her building, they just stare, and look away. (Me, being the mean, awful, controlling Conservator daughter.) You'd think I have horns by the way I'm avoided.

But guess what? Mom has money stashed in her drawer at the same time she's telling everyone I never give her any. She angrily says, "That's my money, and I'm saving it!" and "I've had that a long time, and I didn't get it from you!"

I buy all her groceries, because she was doing the same thing with the grocery money I gave her. It was "never enough," as she'd tell the latest victim who drove her to the store. So they would put her "extra" purchases on their receipt, and tell her she "didn't have to worry about paying them back." Then she'd tell me I owed them money. This happened over and over and over, but I lived 200 miles away, and couldn't really control it. I did pay her long-time friend back, but eventually the lady caught on, and became, "too busy" to take Mom to the store anymore.

Tomorrow is a complex-wide meeting for all the residents. I told my husband I need to show up and tell everyone what's going on. He said, "No, it will backfire. And they will continue to feel sorry for her, and will hate you." He asked if he could call our Pastor for his advice. And guess what? Pastor told him, "By all means; go to that meeting and tell them!" My husband, fearing my muddied reputation if I tell a room full of people about Mom's shenanigans in her presence, presented a tactful approach we hadn't thought of. Whew! But he also said we may want to post an article in the daily news! Can you imagine? Or, he suggested having a law enforcement officer come to the meeting and talk to everyone. Now that would be something!

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to care for my Mom's ongoing demands and expectations. Nothing I did as an infant pleased her, and to this day, no one ever will. Before me, she was always mad at Dad. She took advantage of his Alzheimer's, and really got them into some deep debt. He tried keeping those plates spinning right up to his last days at home. The bank asked me to step in and help. I've been crying ever since, over the sad state of affairs.

Secret investigations revealed high bank card balances, shut off notices, and the like propelled me to action. The things I've found in piles of papers, receipts, and credit reports have multiplied my sorrows. Wednesday's child is full of woe.

She cries wolf so well, that even I am stirred with compassion for her, at times, and give in to her "requests," but always regret it. Nary a thanks for my efforts, but always a complaint. No good deed goes unpunished. I take her to all doctor appointments to counteract the lies she tells her physicians.

I don't know how I'd get through this, but for the grace of God, and wisdom in a multitude of godly counsel.

Ah, yes, I see that now. I misread the last note.

Having all of the legal documents in place is going to be very necessary and it's good you are proactive. Keep checking back. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol

I actually have conservatorship. I had to get it done to get her in the hospital.

You do have to protect yourself, so I'm glad you are looking at options. Aging doesn't give us the right to abuse people. Mental illness is not the fault of the ill person, but it shouldn't ruin the lives of all who try to care for that person. I'm glad you can talk with a few caregivers on this site who've gone through the conservator process. It is a lot of paperwork, but you may have to do it.

Take care,
Carol

I agree, people do not understand. I guess it is the old walk in my shoes thing. My mom is sleeping and husband is cleaning the basement. Now if I could just get him to cook!!!!!

Oh yeah, Mom does the pacing thing too. She paces and rubs her legs constantly. It does get on a person's nerves after a while. I guess someone else wouldn't understand that. I use to think "why on earth does that bother me so much. It probably wouldn't bother anyone else" but being around that constant excess nervous energy keeps me on edge too. I guess I tend to pick up on other people's emotions. When mom goes to bed at night, its just like a calm comes over the room.

Yes, mental illness is a drain on everyone around the person afflicted. My husband has been on meds for years. He is a good man, but he is driving us crazy. He seems to be going through a phase of pacing since he has so much energy. I think that he has adult onset of ADD or ADHA. He thinks I'm nuts!! Our friends have had it with him. I hope he calms down this fall when their move to a 55 and over is done. Our turn is next year. At least mom sleeps a lot. Gives me some well earned peace and quiet. Hope you have a better day!
Linda

Yearight, do you have trouble remembering things when you're under a lot of stress? I do. There are things from my teenage years through my early 20's that I can not remember. That's when my mother really started showing symptoms of her disease. My dad died when I was 24 from a heart attack and I'm pretty sure it was because of the stress of dealing with this. I've have dealt with depression over the years and that has given me just a taste of what mom might be going through with her mental problems. I know it must be a living nightmare for her. Mental illness takes such a great toll on everyone.

Dear lucy02, i've been reading the posts and i am so sorry for your predicament. My mom is an angel compared to yours. You are a dear for putting up with her. i pray that you find peace in the midst of this storm. i also wanted to add that i to love to garden. i could spend the whole day in my yard digging and hacking and such. i live in the desert southwest so this time of year i can't garden but come Oct. look out! And Ssister, you mentioned how you suddenly remembered things from the past. You know there were many unhappy things from my childhood that i didn't remember until i moved my mom into my house and then little by little i began to remember things. i think the good Lord helps us heal by bringing these things to mind so that we can deal with them and then forgive and move on. If we keep these things hidden away, even if we don't remember them they affect us negatively. At time's when i feel myself becoming angry at my mom, i remind myself that she can't help for the way she is and this helps me to forgive her. Peace

OK, can you borrow a video camera from someone? Does your cell phone have a camera or do you have a digital camera that also takes short movie clips? It might be worth investigating. Sometimes you can borrow a video camera from your library. Give it some thought. It took videos and many pictures of the recent flood we had that my neighbor seems to blame on us!!! Need to have an indisputable record.
Linda

I don't have any video evidence. I do have audio though of her telling me she would slap me "again". I wouldn't be this cool if it wasn't for the antidepressant that I take, lol. Someone would probably be recording me if I wasn't taking the Lexapro.

lucy,
God must have a special plan for you. You are really doing a great job of caring and keeping your cool. I, not so much! I would have had my mom in a half-Nelson, kicking and screaming! Do you have video evidence of her behavior? A picture is work a thousand words!!!!

In my thoughts and prayers.
Linda

We live in Miss. It wasn't as hot as it has been but hot enough. She did have the door and window open and it was on the carport but still pretty hot. I went out and started the car and turned the air on every so often. I called the police once before when she did that but they couldn't get her out either. I usually lock the car but yesterday morning I had tried to get her into the car and she wouldn't so I didn't think I had anything to worry about.
On the bright side she took her meds this morning. She got a good night sleep last night and that seems to make a lot of difference.

Lucy, don't know where you live, but since it's summer, isn't sitting in a car (in the heat) dangerous? That and the other issues. Won't 911 help? Or does she have to kill someone first? So sad when it comes to this. Praying here, too. Maybe you need Guardianship for incapcitation. You do have looney proof.

I do have conservatorship but the hospital where she was at said they were too small and did not have security so they could not pick her up against her will. She said that the hospital closest to us did and they would pick her up and hold her over the weekend for observation. Don't know what would happen from there though. That hospital is not equipped for older psych patients. They don't have the staff to take care of them and they take care of a lot of substance abuse patients that can be violent.

What does your lawyer say? Do you have any legal options? Can you have her transported by ambulance? This is a real sticky problem. Hope someone has an answer for you soon. You are in our prayers!!

Well mom is still here. She would not go with the lady that came to pick her up. Then they had me drive her 40 miles to the hospital with the geri/psych unit and they thought they could talk her into coming in. Of course they couldn't. The nurse on duty called the psychiatrist and she said just have the ER here in town pick her up if she gets out of hand. The hospital here doesn't want to take elderly psych patients though so I don't know what they would do with her. She wanted me to take her to town for lunch cause she won't eat anything in the house (thinking its all poison). I couldn't cause I was waiting on the lady to come pick her up and take her to the unit. So she got mad and went to the car and sat for several hours and I could not get her out. I have got to do something quick. I just can't handle her.

I have my mother's caregivers change her sheets, fix breakfast and lunch, give her a shower, do her laundry, vacuum, and keep her bathroom clean. They also feed her cat, my dog goes out every few hours, and they make sure that they have water. One of the ladies loves my dog so she even plays with her a gives her treats. It is so nice to find a keeper in all the ones that stink!!!!!!!
I am very lucky that we have a great agency, but it isn't cheap. Thanks goodness mom sold her house!

LD...hmmm drip irrigation...I think my b/f also brought that idea up. I will have to re-look at that. I have so many things to think of keeping up my own little house, a b/f that comes over and wants to think everything is normal, and my mothers house and her needs. Between remembering to get her meds and doc appt's. I have been trying to remedy the house, the last thing I need to do is get a new padlock since she cannot find keys and the ones I had made broke off in the darn thing. When I was out for my 4 weeks of FMLA I had gotten the garbage disposal fixed she had a story about why that could not be fixed for the past 10 years - drove me crazy. I got her new washer/dryer...and go figure all the while before her decline I could never touch her washer and dryer...she always told me I don't know how to use them and I would break them..yeah right! I got her a new vacumn cleaner. I bought her a safe so she would stop hiding important papers/money in a million different containers.

Good heads up on what you did with your mother's caregiver. The one my mom has better stop that crap as well as of next Tuesday when she comes again. She will find a checklist typed and tacked to the fridge. I told her I wanted her to do a safety/cleanliness check around the house. I wanted her to make sure the bathrooms were not a mess and neither the kitchen sink nor piles of mess around the house. I told her once that is settled then they could do anything they wanted after. I don't think that is too harsh of a thing to ask.