I have been caring for my father for two years now. He had a stroke and had on set dementia. There has been a crisis most weeks such as water infections, falls, forgetting how to pay for items in the local shop, not eating, episodes of wanting to be in residential care and then changing his mind, turning up at the GP thinking he has an appointment. This has led to me leaving work at short notice and I have now lost my second job which I rely on to pay the mortgage. I have broken my foot which has happened out of nowhere. A stress fracture, Gp investigating vitamin nutrient deficiencies as I have been self-neglecting myself to care for him (skipping meals and going without sleep). I have tried to put extra care in place, and he has cancelled this. I was at breaking point before I broke my foot and could tell I was not well so arranged respite which he agreed to but when we got there, he refused to stay. I am on crutches and cannot weight bear so no longer able to care for him. I am single with no partner or support for me. My Sister who I have a poor relationship with has had to step in and cannot cope - she is very resentful that I am not well and sending messages daily about how stressed she is, but this is what I have been dealing with for so long on my own. He still refuses extra care or residential care.
While still living together at Home, Caretakers should seek assistance whenever they can get it., over meal prep, house-cleaning, lawn care, pet care, household & auto repairs, and so on , it's never-ending and a fact of Life. Home Care is great and the staff can help you recognize and acknowledge how serious your situation can be. You have lived alone, but now it's time to form a Team of people from Health and Service industries and gain their assistance over the everyday tasks that can become overwhelming .
Place yourself First ! Treat yourself well!
You could have his bags all packed and stowed in a closet somewhere and ready to Go. Meanwhile, you could begin to make arrangements with a Care Ctr. so to be able to enact on "his wishes".
Truthfully, it seems he doesn't; know What he's saying , however, and When., or what he Wants. How was he able to Cancel the Home Care? UN-Plug his devices , if you can. Hide his phone , if he has one , or unhook a landline-even if temporarily. Same for laptops, etc..
Detach from him mentally, verbally and emotionally . Make a plan to care for Yourself , even if that includes placing him in a Care Ctr. Detach from your sister too-tell her if she's so stressed out , she can help you send him to a Care Ctr, otherwise -forget even trying to relate to each other from here on.
Your tumbling downhill fast . The three of you are Co-Dependents and your relationship can only be described as Toxic. Don't expect Change from your father or sister. Only YOU can change Yourself and the situation. Counseling may help and help you grow stronger in your convictions. "Coping" with each other is not enhanced over drinking, smoking, or drugs. Toss all that and keep the Faith that healing will come when we knock on the door and it shall be opened.
BUT more often than not - we have to focus on their NEEDS and not their WANTS. And if they won't take care of themselves in spite of it - we have to stop making ourselves the solution so that they realize they need to find another option.
"He still refuses extra care or residential care".
The above CAN be changed.
(I've haven't read all the replies yet so I'll check back once up to date).
I woke up in the mood to take on stubborn today.
Let's do it!
You need to put it to him plainly: what you are doing is killing and bankrupting you. With the onset dementia, he might not be able to care about anyone else but himself. So you might never get his acceptance, cooperation or empathy.
Good luck.
Southernwaver, so well put!
I had a very similar conversation yesterday.
A) diagnostic workup
B) conservatorship or next of kin placement in care following letters of incompetency
You need:
A) psychological counseling so you, who understand fully you cannot continue to care for this gentleman, can do the short term goal work to get him placed, and the long term goals to resume self-caring
B) an immediate care contract drawn by attorney so father can assume payment and shared living costs, and you can meet mortgage.
No one can do this for you. We can sympathize, but I would imagine you have quite enough of sympathy and understand it is of ZERO help in situations like this. This is something you now can no longer afford to ignore. Do know that many elders do manage to kill off their progeny. Then, it will be no surprise to you, they enter care.
I surely do wish you the best. The choice is your own as to handling this or continuing on in this manner.
Your obligation is to yourself, your job and future.
If your father refuses either in-home help that he pays for not you, or being placed in the appropriate facility, then you just walk away and call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves. They will come out and do an assessment of the situation and take it from there.
You CANNOT afford to be without a job, so get your butt back to work when you're able to weight bear, which shouldn't be much longer and get on with your life.
Your father has had his life and now it's time for you to have yours.
And just FYI, I too had a stress fracture in my foot years ago, and never had to be non weight bearing but had to wear a clunky walking boot for quite a while, but I never missed a day of work and I was in retail management, which meant that I was on my feet all day for many hours, and it healed just fine.
Eventually, I did get my sister placed and was able to move on.
Work on getting dad placed. You can no longer care for him.
You can't be forced to keep taking care of him.
You might have to step back and let him fail so he will be placed in a facility. Dad is not being fair to you.