My husband and I have been caring for his mother with Dementia for a year now. She was initially staying with her daughter who was doing a HORRIBLE job. It seems like things took a turn for the worst the beginning of the year(2019) We found out she was wetting herself at night and hiding the underwear under her bed so now we have her put on a pull-up every night (that's a fight in it's self) she's become more aggressive and not wanting to do what we tell her ie: bathe..brush your teeth...change your clothes the basic ADL'S. My husband and I both work Mon- Fri 7am-4pm. She goes to an adult daycare during the day. Sometimes at night we can't get her to go to bed at all. It's become really stressful but when everyone see's her they look at her and say she looks like a sweet old lady...We are both getting really frustrated and we realize it's not her it's her condition but it's getting really hard to take care of her because we are stressed. Other family members can't help because they don't realize she has to stay on a schedule and they just let her do whatever the hell she wants and when we get her back we're the ones that suffer. We are considering moving her into an ALF with memory care. What are you guys thoughts? My husband and I were feeling guilty about the decision but I told him if ever taking care of her affects our well- being and our marriage we are going to have to move her.
It's good that you recognize that you have burnout. I'd explore options for help with her care, whether bringing in professional care or placement. It definitely takes teams and shifts of people to properly care for someone who has advanced dementia, imo. I wish that more family members learned this, so they don't come down with disapproval of other family members. If they don't understand, I'd suggest to them that they read the 36 Hour Day and then see if they would like to take on this responsibility in their homes.
You've received good answers here. I hope my mistakes will give you something to think about:
You and your husband have nothing to feel guilty about. To the contrary: you should be proud of what you've done since "other family members *can't*". (BTW, I say baloney to that--my sister-in-law would deliberately act obtuse to avoid being asked to help us out.)
I have been at this for nearly eight years. A year-and-a half into it, MIL's doctor pulled me into the hall after her exam and told me he could see my utter exhaustion and that MIL was safe in her ALF apartment and well cared for by staff. Further, he told me that she had lived her life and I needed to live mine. I continued to be a "helicopter caregiver" despite his advice; I quit my job to devote myself to her. Now, I am 15-pounds overweight, exhausted, devoid of emotion and mad at myself for not taking care of myself. She will be 95 in May and is healthy and stronger than ever.
Please don't feel guilty about putting you and your life with your husband first. You'll be a better caregiver if you aren't burned out and stressed so much.
Start today by looking for facilities. The transition will have bumps and trials, but you'll have this community to turn to for support!
Good luck and all the best to you and Hubby.
Now you have the job of caring for her. I sounds like she is very difficult to care for. Nearly all of us reach a point that we are no longer able to provide the necessary care, we learn our limitations.
Start planning for placement, identify facilities that will work for her.
Science is catching up and I believe this disease will be less of a burden for some generation, but the time’s not going to come soon enough for you.
Move her into a facility that is equipped for this and concentrate on building a happy end-of-life for your loved one filled with reading her favorite books or garden magazines and looking at pictures of the grandkids or other loved ones and enjoy her time and your own time with your husband.
No loving parent would ever want to know that this is what they’ve become—a burden. If she were in her right mind, she’d be able to tell you so and gladly.