I feel so bad today and made a promise to care for my mom who is almost blind totally bedridden and her worst fear is a carehome. I promised I would do my best to keep her home and care for her. Week before last we place a catheter and now I can barely get her on her commode by the bed. I am just worn out and have 5 siblings 2 that drop food or send meals on wheels, and one of those that does nothing but insult or hurt my feeling when she stops by maybe twice a week. Today iit was the dead plant hanger still hanging in the tree from last year, she has no clue how hard this is, I'm the baby and its all been put on me. I try to pray and keep my patience. I change her and barely get her resettled and we have another accident. I just need more support, live in a tiny town and my gets RR social security which puts her about 300 a year over the limit to get nursing help. Such a long story, my husband lives across the street with his 89 year old mom and 2 kids and my two kids just moved down the street as I feel like my siblings feel I owe this for us living here when there is no way she could have taken care of herself the last 4 years. 4 surgeries, crippled with all of the arthritis's and begged me to move home from Texas to Oregon saying she was so lonely she wanted to die. Two siblings are within blocks and one about 2 miles away. Today mom told my oldest sister she me to have the house and the reply was Donna (my second eldest sister) will never let that happen. Money is short and I am on SSD also. My first husband took his life in 2004 and We lost our home. I know, I know poor me, I need help as my attitude is very bad right now and know all that matters is Moms well being. I feel overwhelmed and just want to run away with no wear to go. ..
There will also be a Medicaid program that your mom may qualify for that will pay for in-home or long-term care assistance. Anytime a person takes on this type of care-giving role, you need to be careful that you don't sacrifice your own health in the process. You may need to call a family conferance to see if your siblings can pitch in and help pay for care for two or three days a week, so that you can have a well deserved break. Would your siblings be willing to take on a job, such as yard care, one day per week with mom, an over-night with mom, etc.? This would help to open their eyes to the weight a caregiver carrys as well as giving you a break. You may also need to take yourself off to a group support class or meeting so that you can connect with and hear the stories of other caregivers.
The bottom line is that you need a break. A long one. Counseling or a support group will help you to keep guilt at bay and it will also give you the tools that you need to fend off attacks from your siblings. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY that you are asking for or demanding help. I've been in your shoes and it is an exhausting journey. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.
And, as long as there is a physical therapist on board I am getting a health aid to bathe my mom 3 times a week. When a agency comes on board it starts at the maximum (3 times a week in my mom's case). That goes on for sometimes 2 months. Then they reduce it to 2 times a week. For another 6 weeks or so. Then our case is closed. I call the doctor and in a day another agency starts all over. I have had it almost non stop for 7 years. It is not much, but it helps. Just get her doctor to prescribe it. It can be so overwhelming, from the tedium of it to the physical labor. I take antidepressants, and that helps too. Jodes61, take care of your beautiful self.
I'd pray for the cavalry to arrive. Needy people = entrapment, and neglecting ourselves makes everything even more difficult; especially when there's no shoulder to cry on. You deserve to be happy for at least 5 minutes every day, so check if there are any caregiver support groups in your area.
I no longer care for Mom, but still attend them every now and them. Here in the South Bronx, it's not unusual for caregivers to pick a fight just to take it all out on somebody. I'm not a violent person, but they know I have no problem clocking any one of them. So we hobnob, make each other laugh over the silliest things caregivers do when our brains go on a vacation, and share tips that allow us to have a life and pretend to be X-Men.
It's 3:40 am, so I'll leave you with a warm hug. It's the least I can do.
-- Ed
2. Make a list of all the household things that you haven't been able to attend to along with your caregiving duties. The list should have things like trimming the front shrubs, replacing dead plants in planter, window washing, carpet steaming, thorough cupboard cleaning with new shelf liners -- you know, all the things you've notices in passing and have just not had the energy to do. Take this list seriously and do your best on it. Mail it to all five of the siblings. Explain that you cannot do these things and do justice to the caregiving job. Say that you have gotten by without having them done and you can continue to do so, but you'd like to give them the opportunity to pitch in if they care to, either by contributing to hiring it done, or by coming over to do it themselves. Say you and Mom will be grateful for anything they can do to help, and will also appreciate their understanding about the things that can't get done. Don't be mean-spirited about it. Just lay out the facts, and offer them a chance to help out.
3. Part of caring for Mom is seeing that her reasonable wishes are carried out. Bring in her lawyer (or find a lawyer for her) to enable her to write a will. Also keep in mind that she may need to use all of her assets before she dies, and there is seldom enough of an estate left after a prolonged illness for heirs to fight over.
4. Bring in social services to evaluate the situation and make you aware of your options. Just because Mom doesn't qualify for some kinds of assistance doesn't mean there aren't other programs to explore.
5. Even though you are going to keep Mom at home as long as possible, if you cannot get her onto the commode without additional help, something has got to give. Start exploring now, perhaps with some guidance from social services, what the alternatives are. What assets does Mom have for bringing in additional help? Does she have equity in the house that could be used?
Whew! That is a long list of things to do. But you wanted to know how to improve your attitude, and I often find that taking action is a good way to do that.
Good luck! Keep us posted on how things are working out.