I'm living in a manipulative, exhausting war zone of caregiving. Any advice?

I fear we tend to think our situations to death. Trying so hard to understand why our parents and siblings are the way they are. My sister is worthless. If she was charged with looking after my mother, my mom would probably be dead in three days -- and want to be! In the end, the "Why" doesn't matter. The only thing that does is taking care of yourself. Understanding has never brought peace of mind. Only forgiveness does, and the first person to start with ---- is yourself.

Finances are often least complex, so let's start there. Originally the intention was that Mother should have her own living arrangement and this would require additional funds, which Sibs promised to share but then backed out. So ... Mom moved in with you. Have I understood the situation correctly?

What is Mother's monthly income? Does she have any assets? Where did she live and how was she paying for it before she moved? Is she capable of independent living? Have you looked for subsidized housing? Does she need care? Would she qualify both medically and financially for Medicaid? Give us more information about the financial picture and perhaps some of us can make suggestions.

Your profile says Mom has depression, but it sounds like more than that is going on. Is she being treated for the depression? Does she have dementia? Has she always been manipulative or is this new?

It sounds like she needs a new place to live, where you can visit her as a loving son, not as a soldier in a combat zone! So tell us more about her finances and her health.

There is no advice or answers. This is shit on earth. And it will never get better. You will never resolve this situation. As someone who has lived in this hell for close to three years, all I can say is 'protect your self.' If you seek 'answers,' you will only drive yourself more crazy. just wait for the elderly to die and hope to reclaim your life. Period. Hard, but true.

I have read a a lot of the discussions. Basically, we are, all, in the same position. It almost seems as if we are being punished for doing what is right. I don't understand it. I am always told, "You'll be blessed in the end". I don't know (maybe we will) but this is not helping me now. I wanted my mother to come live with me (foolishly thinking that her attitude would improve). Boy, was I wrong! I am tired ; but I always make it through another day. Caregivers are
strong people. A lot of people can't and won't do it. Yet, these same people want to be critical. My hat goes off to all of us. We pray that we make it through another day and are thankful that we did.

Well.... quite a variety of answers. What I have seen from people around me is that many times although not true in my circumstance as an only child is that family likes to try and appear to care in the end stages of life to see what they can get from it. All you can do is your best, but don't wear yourself out too much in the process. Do what you know is right and stick to your guns.

The one thing I always said with my mother (long story) is that I always went to the top of the mountain with her as far as I could go. Eventually she paid a price for her own choices and behavior. If she involved others in her drama I would go as far as I could go and then it was hands off.

The key for me became even as a caregiver is that it was boundaries. I had to set boundaries that I could live with and I did. Surprisingly after her death I have no regrets because my mother lived her life a chosen way. She surrounded herself with people who were vile and bottom feeders. I had to fend off what I could and how I could legally, but if she wanted them in her life, I had to find a way to still protect her while giving her freedom of choice.

I learned to walk a fine line, but it worked. I have no regrets except for my own mother who missed out on so much of life because of her behavior or her psychological issues were never diagnosed so she could live life to the fullest, but that was between she and my father. I had to respect that whether I liked it or not.

If you put some of the boundaries in place for your own life, I suspect that things will become a bit clearer for you and you may even find yourself distancing from people that you thought you really liked because you see their behavior.

Don't let them control you. Control your choices, your reasons and if other things get in the way of that then you need to accept or reject it when it comes to caring for those you love. None of us can really decide that, but I found for me, boundaries was the key in my mother's insanity.

I agree it is good to see if there are financial alternatives.If you do move her somewhere please don't be out of site out of mind to her care. These institutions that are more costly don't always do the best job either even if you are paying over $3000. An adult family home starts out about that price assisted living is more. If you use have to use medicare the invironment is usually adequate but not like being in a loving home of a relative, so visit often. If there is contention as you say then she is not any happier than you are.You can't have a fight if you don't fight back. I am still telling my self that every day. Bite your tongue and don't react.
I to take care of my mom without any help from my brother. It bothers him to even talk on the phone to her because she is losing her short term memory and says the same things repeatedly...it makes him sad. I say "live my life". I am losing my mom on a daily basis right before my eyes. Yes at times I feel sorry for myself, why do I not get any graditude? I do at times feel annoyed at her because of the snide remarks about how bad she has it here. Then the next second she is all nice and happy. It really is like raising a child. I raised 7 of them. Financially my mom could go anywhere and probably have enough money to last till she passes... she is 86 this year. I did have her in an assisted living and it cost $3800 a month she had 3 meals a day if she wanted. Meds delivered, various entertainment, her room cleaned, laundry service.
Problem was she wouldn't let the cleaners in to clean(she said she already did it herself) she hadn't. Meds were given on an empty stomach that made her sick.. She was never clean, her hair never combed, dirty clothes, didn't remember how to brush her teeth or put in her hearing aids.. She didn't even realize she was dirty and smelled. My mom was always clean and beautiful. They told me they couldn't make her shower. It is against the law. Meds were given on an empty stomach and she was always combative with me when I was there and tried to get her cleaned up, wash her clothes, clean the kitty litter box( awful mess). My husband agreed it would be better for her to live with us and I had the power of attorney anyway. It has been 9 months and we are still figuring it out and have some bad days too. The thing that has helped me the most is giving her vitamins. We tried all of the ALZ drugs and she was very combative even to the point of hitting me and being verbally abusive and cussing even in public. Her neurologist is very proactive about vitamins anyway and we took her off the ALZ meds. She isn't on any other meds as she stopped taking them herself before she left her home with her docs permission. I think she really wanted to die, was depressed about losing her memory. I have always taken the natural approach with my husband and my medical care as well. DR prescribed a high dose B with folate called Cerofolin. It is not covered by insurance and is $85 a month. She gets a coconut oil capsule, 5000 vit D, 400 vit E. Sam-E on an empty stomach before breakfast.( Is a natural mood elavator and helps with joint pain) a fish oil capsule for her heart, CoQ 10 for her heart and a multi vit for women over 50. May not work for everyone but it sure has worked for her. I can tell you she is more pleasant with me, happier, still has a terrible memory but can carry on a decent conversation about current news when she watches the news. Will now watch a movie all the way throudh with us. Loves music and cartoons. If her quality of life is better so is ours. Death will come to all of us when it is time. My mom wishing to die never made it happen and all of us wanting our lives to be more pleasant is not just going to make it happen either. There is "always" an answer to every problem but you have to find it. It is not always easy but why live in agony. ASK YOURSELF HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP ALL OF YOUR INDEPENDENCE JUST TO LIVE WITH A RELATIVE THAT DIDN'T WANT YOU THERE ANYWAY. I THINK WE WOULD ALL BE A LITTLE CRANKY. Care giving should only be done by someone who cares about the other person but still loves themselves enough to know when enough is enough .
Good luck everyone.

An interesting collection of solutions, I am in much the same situation as many of you but one thing I have noticed that hasn't been mentioned (could be it's just me) I have recently realized that my brothers who occasionally keep in touch with mother and only by phone - one offers no $ support - one offers some support in a monumental birthday party which we need to organize - both suggest that even a week or two having mother at their house is more than they could handle - my sister thank God does give me some respite from the 20+ years of being responsible for OUR mother - in 1990 mother moved 600 miles away from her home to be closer to me and my family. Her objective was to spare my younger brother from feeling responsible for her care which she thought was unfair to him. Not sure how it was fair to me but perhaps she instinctivly knew that I would not place her in a nursing home while my brothers would have gladly justified that move years ago. When my brothers do call Mothers speaks and sounds pretty normal so as far as they are concerned she is just fine where she is - my recent revelation . . . when mother does pass on my brothers will have the luxury of remembering her as loving/ supportive/ positive etc.just as she was when she raised us unlike my searing images of a manipulative/ argumentative/ nasty/ individual with no short term memory who relies on me for her every need and total assistance. Same family totally different memories. c'est le vie (sp?)

You are not responsible for other people's choices. Do as much as you can, but take care of yourself first. That means do not accept abuse from anyone, the parents the spouse or the siblings.

As some of you have read my blog in December 2012: " What are the emotional affects on Senior daughters taking care of Narcissistic Senior Mothers?" My mother came to California from Chicago so that we could spend time together. She is 85 years old. The stay was suppose to be for about 3 months, well it only lasted 2 months. It was hell on wheels. I have not lived with my mother since I was 23 years old. Needless to say, she was belligerent, nasty, vile and down right mean. Not only to me but to people in general. I always knew she had a nasty side to herself and she also was physically abusive in my childhood. Well, to make a long story short, the last week of her stay she locked herself in her bedroom and came out only when she saw fit. In the mean time I started to search on line and found this site, it was a lifeline for me. I had many people give me support and I really appreciated their kind words.
Update: 3/9/13
It has been now 2 months since my mother left. The ride to the Airport was excruciating because there was not a word spoken. All I could think of during her stay is how she said to me "I wish you were never born and you are a bastard." Mind you, I spent every day with her and tried to make her as comfortable as possible and yet I could do anything right. She also said to me in one of her mood swings "You have no idea how much I hate you" and all because in her words "you never agree with me, you are always against me" my response is simply, "I don't have to agree with you, I have my opinion and I'm entitled to it" If I did not agree with her observation, opinion or suggestion I was against her and that was the whole battleground. If my mother had dementia I could understand it, but my mother is mentally sharp, perhaps not as much, but she still knows what she is doing. As soon as I dropped her off at the airport, I drove away and took a deep breath, because I believe that I would never see her alive ever again. I came home and I started to clean everything she touched. I cleaned, washed sheets, dusted and wiped everything. I even shampooed the carpet, all in one day. I wanted everything back the way it was. I then called her later in the evening to see if she got home ok, she did and she sounded quit nice, not the woman I dropped off. At that point I hung up and make a conscious decision not to talk to her again. I needed space and I learned a lot from this site: Limit Communication. She called me several times and when I saw on my telephone her number, I did not answer. she then attempted to call me on my Birthday in February, as soon as I picked up the house phone (no ID caller) I realized it was her, I hung up. She called again, I hung up. She never called again. I can not talk to her. I don't know what to say. I have nothing in common with this woman, other then she gave birth to me. I received a Birthday card, I did not open it until a week later, because I thought if she put money in the envelope I was going to send it back, because if I kept it she would assume all was well. No money and I did not respond. Then about a week ago I receive another envelope. I open it and she begins to say: How she tried to write 3 times but each time she threw the letter away because she doesn't know how to begin. She stated that she was sooo sooo sooo sorry for what happen and she realizes it is all her fault and not to be angry with her. She went on and on how she is old and sick and she could not help her self. She also stated she tried to call but now she doesn't want to because she is afraid I will hang up. She ends the letter by stating " I love you more then you know "
I hate the letter. I hate how she is trying to reel me back in. I'm still working thru the hurt she has left me with and mostly I'm sad that I have a mother who is Narcissistic to the core and there is nothing I can do about it, other then stay away from her because I know once she reels me back in, she will pounce on me again. When I read the comments of men and women who take care of their Senior parents, I feel very sorry for them and I made a decision that I was not going to take care of my mother. I think to put myself in a care taker situation is detrimental to my health and being that I got a dose what it would be like, I will have to bow out and do the selfish thing, I need to take care of me. I think if I took care of my mother she would put me in to the grave first. I'm not a stranger to be a care taker, I did that for my mother in law for 17 years, the last 3 years were when she had Alzheimer, but my mother in law was a sweetheart, she was kind and a sweet sweet woman, I loved her very much and I did not mind taking care of her. It's those mothers and fathers who are mean and extremely abusive that need to be handled by strangers, not people who love them, that is way to much of a burden and extremely emotionally draining. Nope, I can't do it. She will die alone and be with strangers, she does not deserve me. I'm not willing to be a sacrificial lamb. We have one life and it isn't easy as it is and to allow our self to be abused is not want I would do or would recommend, even if they are my mother or father, especially if they were mean all their lives. You get what you sow. My children are begging me if my mother dies, not to go to her funeral, so that I can feel free. My children do not talk to her for years, because she is mean and meddles in everyone ones lives. Did I say "You reap what you sow?"
To all who are reading this and have to take care of a mean spirited Senior............. My condolences and I wish you all the strength you can muster up.
Midwest

Like you, I have found myself in the middle of a family war zone. Having been the peacemaker all of my life in a very chaotic family, I became the target. My counselor has finally suggested that I "divorce" everyone except my mother. I am in the process of doing so. I refuse to argue with anybody and remove myself from stressful situations.I usually suggest that we talk when everyone can talk calmly (as I leave the area). Living in constant stress is not worth it. It made me very ill, and I know my husband and child deserve more from me. Take care and use us to vent....