How do I get over the grief of watching my mom die while taking care of her?

My Mom passed on and finally found peace from her many ailments 2 mos. ago. She was bedridden in my home for a year and a half. I find that looking at old photos of Mom happy, and thinking of good times in the past really helps me to realize that the bad time at the end of her life is but a very small part of her 93 years. It is not easy and in many ways I still am reeling from the caregiving and missing her, but each day I try to replace those bad memories with good ones. Even thinking of things Mom liked to do, or things she taught me help push the bad away. It will take time though. I found that displaying photos of a happier time and putting it where I see it often helps.

Cwillis and lucky lu,
EVERYONE
IN
THIS
FORUM
NEEDS
TO WATCH BARBARA KARNES
VIDEO
ON THE PROCESS OF DYING.
I am glad I did, and I feel more confident and prepared to give my mom and myself the best way to handle the inevitable. Lots to think about, and a very good video. Thank you for suggesting I watch it. I am thankful, and actually more at ease, understanding the stages of dying.
Best regards to all,
M88

Concentrate on the job at hand, which is caring for your Mum in her last stages of life. Afterwards, there will be time to grieve properly, but for now give your Mum your attention, but do allow yourself time to recharge your batteries, sleep. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon

Hi Cwillie & Luckylu, thanks for sharing. I will watch the video on YouTube and let you know what I think. Thanks!

Thanks Gershun....Mulata88,I think your Doctor gave you a quick easy answer and didn't really hear you,hurting.I swear,I saw my doctor one week after Mother passed and his first question to me is"So what's new?"...I still can't believe he asked me that...Every single thing is new or has changed!And he was my Mom's doctor too,so he certainly knew our situation.....I still can't forget some of the mean comments people said before Mother left me and they ring in my head sometimes,like this one supposed good old friend of Mom's from Highschool who said"When your Mother dies,I want that outfit" or my brother,who said"When Mom dies,you'll have to get out fast!"(which has changed) and other things...Anyway,the doctors who have to deal with people who have lost someone like us,probably have standard answers so they can move us along.(Not all doctors).
My grief began with my Mother a long time before she left.I watched her loose one thing after another ...I have no idea what stage I am at and no one to talk to but very thankfully you all here on Aging Care.To All Take Care...

Mulata, I found a you tube video of Barbara Karnes speaking about the dying experience called Gone From My Sight to be very inspirational, you might want to check it out.
And for all the rest of you still struggling with grief, whether recent or not... ((hugs))

Lucky, Sorry that you are suffering. I think self-talk is a good remedy for grief and working things through. Keep talking, even if people look at you funny, just keep talking. You will get where you are meant to be.
Also, talk to us more.

Lucky you just keep on crying. I see things every day that remind me of Mom and set me off. Its normal. We'll get there.

I cry all the time.Anywhere.The tears just come and it happens at the grocery store,walking through the house,at a restaurant...everywhere.I wonder if they'll ever stop but I am worried about myself talking to myself and Mother like she.s here and it's not a cool thing to do at the grocery store and I'm sure people think I,m crazy.Surely,this will get better......and Gershun,you hang in there too!

I had talk therapy sessions with a social worker after I lost my mother plus I did Griefshare group therapy. I went to a morning session, and then I switched to an early evening session which was closer to home plus they brought in their Golden Retriever dog so I had a dog to play with. I liked the early evening session of Griefshare. I go to senior center on Fridays; three weeks on and three weeks off since my center is in another town and I don't like the town in which I reside in. I play bingo, I have lots of fun, and I even won a round of bingo this past Friday.

When I asked my shrink about the "dying process", he simply stated, it is the opposite of life. Well I guess I knew that and found his comment too simplistic; I was hoping for some type of guidance through it. After all, we as caregivers are on a constant state of grief. At the end of the story, death is the outcome, and we cannot change it. I have a 12 yr old chihuahua, and I know she's getting up in age... my mom is 90.5......my husband is 72..........the other day I felt "surrounded by death.....explained to my shrink this past week and he tells me that it's normal. Well, intellectually speaking I can see what he means, but I think I needed more comfort that anything else. I actually felt very depressed and spent a long time in bed. Mom is very self sufficient and she worries about ME!...............The Bible is right when it calls death "an enemy".

The minute I saw my mother die, did I let it all hang out!

To all who have lost loved ones I sympathize. Its been 10 mths. since Mom died. I think the shock has just worn off. I was numb for the last 10 mths. Now the grief is pouring out. I've been crying on and off this last week. But the crying feels good. Its like the tension in my chest just goes away. But when they talk about a heart breakiing its so true. I feel my heart is going to explode sometimes.

I would say cry when you can. Its a release. I've not been able to till this last week. My husband hates it when I cry so I just disappear into the bathroom or whereever. But cry your heart out if it helps I say. I'm finally goiing to look into grief counsellling as well.

Hang in there Lucky!

cak2135,
I'm sorry you lost your dear Mother.I lost mine 69 days ago.I know you miss your Mom,like I do...Horribly!Take care of yourself and again,I'm so sorry.
Lu

Eight years ago, I lost my mother to metastatic lung cancer. She had typical signs of it, wouldn't eat, drink, get up, and eventually became bed bound. About four weeks after the diagnosis, she passed on, and it was sort of a good thing that the angels took her as they did; she went very quickly and peacefully. I really do miss her

It was just me sitting at my dads feet in his last hours. My hubby was in the other room and that is the way I wanted it. Hospice nurse finished her shift and left a few hours earlier. Dad was unconcious. I did not believe it was really the end. The night before he was sitting up eating a Greek salad and laughing with my daughter. He did tell her he was going to die and laughed. He said he could see my late brother, who died tragically at age 35 fifteen yrs prior. He even told me to move out of the way of my brother, who was supposedly sitting in corner watching. That should have been my clue, but no. I, to this day, do not know what I was thinking. It was like I knew, but did not. Makes no sense. He did seem happy somehow. I heard his last gasp and sat very still, did not move. He stopped breathing and I covered my head with blanket but when hubby came in room, told me he was gone, shut off the oxygen, I sprang into action yelling and screaming to turn the oxygen back on. I also would not let hubby cover his face. We called Hospice and family and sat a few more hours with him. by then, there were maybe 10 people surrounding him. The hardest part was funeral home getting him and taking out of his home for the last time with a very quiet procession of family following him out. The was in late 2009. I have no regrets except that I did not hold his hand while he passed. I will always regret that. I am ok now but miss him every day but can smile now. Now I am caregiving for hubby, it never ends and find myself angry and bitter towards him. Different story.

A few years ago my husband and I nursed his mother through Stage IV cancer. While hubby had sibs who lived close to Mom, they just could not accept that she was dying, so in addition to the 24/7 caregiving, we also had to battle with his sibs who insisted that she was not dying, and criticized everything we did. They wouldn't help, they just criticized.

One thing that helped us a lot was a booklet that a friend (who went through the same thing) gave us called, "Gone From My Sight." It describes what to expect at the various stages of the death process in someone who is terminally ill. Knowing these things helped us accept what was happening, and, unlike his sibs who insisted that she had to FIGHT this process, we accepted the process and were determined to give her a "good death." This is really what she wanted, and she told me this as soon as she knew that she was terminally ill.

So hubby took the day shift and I took the night shift. We pretty much ignored his sibs (not easy) and took all of the near-death behavior in stride. On her last day the hospice nurse told us her time would be a matter of hours. His sibs all left, not wanting to be a part of it. My husband and I sat by her bedside, talked to her - even though she was not conscious - prayed for her and held her hand as she drew her last breath. We then called Hospice and I helped the nurse prepare her for the funeral director to come get her.

This was not an easy experience, by any means. But I was able to accept her death because I believed that we had given her the best care possible at this critical point of her life. I would not trade that experience for the world.

As for his sibs, they still struggle. Some accuse us of hastening her death because we didn't encourage her to fight. Others thanked us for having the courage to do what we did.

Now I am in the situation of watching my own parents die by inches. They are basically healthy, but have congestive heart failure and some other organ and orthopedic issues that come with old age. Their bodies are just wearing out. When the time comes, my sisters and I will know we did everything we could. And we will be ready for this to end.

Feel it, don't run away. Sometimes I sit on the stairs, watch Dad barely breath and the tears just stream down my face. My shrink said it would pass, and I finally I am at acceptance. My heart goes out to you. Know you are not alone. We are here for you.

Mom was scheduled for a week of respite a month in advance. Who would have thought that it would be her last week on this earth. I sat with her for the last 48 hours and I agree it was excruciating. The nurses were wonderful but watching the whole procedure of dying and waiting for her to finally be at peace was mentally and physically exhausting. As hard as it was in the end. I have no regrets. She was the best mom and didn't deserve dying with dementia.
In time those memories will fade and all the good times will be remembered. God bless you for being with her at her time of need.

my mom died on aug 1 and i only spent 2 nights in her home . too creepy mom not shadowing me. i enjoyed that time when she was scared and didnt want me out of her sight. i felt really needed. i stepped back 6 years into my own shack. one step forward took me 6 years backwards. done smashed a hole thru the wall, built a fireplace and a custom stove . im unfettered now and theres no tellin what i might build. my life has resumed and its more often than not a rocket sled ride.

You and I can remember and come to terms with our parent's passing I think, I know when I went to support group at the hospice after Mom died there, being with widows was hard, it seemed so different for them than what I waqs going through, like they had lost a bigger piece of themselves and I did not have as much to grieve and yet I was feeling very needy too, and really needed to be there. After 63 years, it may just be too much for her to handle any other way, or she may be confused and not remember he is gone, either way, I hope you can find ways to comfort her, and you!

I went through my father's sickness with hospice helping, it was long and very hard to watch a strong wonderful man slowly pass away. My mother is grieving so much for one year now and hasn't accepted his passing. She talks to him daily and believes he is still in the house. She is 92 years old and married to him 63 years. They were very close and he took constant care of her. Has anyone has this type of experience?

I just lost my mom recently and was also blessed to be there for here when it was her time. A lot of things just hit me still, missing the way she used to be, her house the way she kept it, all that. It is hard this way, because you are mourning losses and impending losses and caring for the person who is very much still here at the same time. Sure, some of the grieving and the giving up of things is done in advance - like selling the house - I think that was absolutely thye hardest part for me. I don't know that I will ever be over it. I keep trying to find ways to memorialize and find more meaning in all of it. Losing my Dad was hard too, but with him we had said all the good things that needed to be said and we didn't have so much unfinished business - Mom right up til the last days was still very much expecting everything to get better. And I even managed to be shocked when the end came very suddenly one morning in hospice, we had actually been making arrangements for longer-term residential care because she'd been a little more stable. I'm sure more time will help, but they are starting up a support group and I will definitely want to go. Staying on here just to share more of how we coped, what hurt so much, and what helped a little has been a plus for me. SO, hugs, and stay in touch - it really is very sad, sometimes you just have to let yourself be sad and cry a little, or a lot...God bless...

Forgive yourself. You did the best you can. Everyone needs breaks, you didn't take too many. And besides it sounds like you took incredible care of your mother.

The nursing home my aunt and father-in-law were in, said in their experience many older people go right after loved ones leave them for the day, perhaps wanting to spare them that part of death. Don't know if that was true but we were told my aunt could die at any moment. I told her brother was coming to see her one last time. He was 2 hours away. HE got there and spent some time with her. Then he left and told her he was getting something to eat but would return before he had to go home for the day. He came back and said good-bye and had to leave, as his ride had to go. She passed on right after we all left the nursing home. My father-in-law did the same thing.

My mother came to live with me last January. She was diagnosed with osteoporosis and multiple myeloma and I took her to chemo every Friday. I took 2 months of work with FMLA and every Friday for chemo. She went to the hospital in June and in July for blood transfusions. She was getting better but weak. On a Sat. I went in the morning and in the afternoon but ran errands instead of going back to the hospital Sat. night. She passed away in the night before I could get there. I feel horrible, guilty and sick about it. I wish I would have gone back. I wish I would have hugged her more. I didn't have a day off for 7 months and in the end went out to pull weeds a lot because I needed to get away. She noticed and mentioned it and now I feel horrible. I am angry at myself for not making my brother and sister help me. I asked several times but they were always too busy. I think if I would have had a break I could have taken better care of her (although I waited on her hand/foot and spoiled her) when I had her. Now I just despise myself. I am a single mother of four and the kids just don't understand. Love her and hug her lots while you have her!

I did the same thing some years ago. I cried and prayed for her and the loss of her. I still have some teary moments, but would not exchange the time taking care of her for anything.

Dear SandraAnn,
My name is Marianne. I took care of my mother physically by myself from 2004 to 2009 following her stroke and have watched closely as almost all of her faculties have slowly diminished. Yes, taking care of a parent we love and watching them go downhill is certainly one of the most difficult things we will ever do or experience--especially when we love our parents and family members. So much of what happens in the dying process, especially with cancer is difficult to face. There is no answer to "why"... But there are ways you can get through this better-- First, you need to enlist some help so that you can take a break-- while that may sound self-indulgent, it isn't, you need to take a step back during the day (maybe a couple of times) so you can respond to your mom's needs lovingly and with a clear head. In a sense, you (and your siblings?) are now "the parent" and are "in charge". If you have siblings who can help, that's great. I did not. My one sibling lives far away and could not "physically" be here to help me and before I nearly broke down under the emotional strain of caring for my mom fulltime. It happens and you need to be aware of that. So I finally began looking for and found others to help me--that is not always easy either. The folks from a local nursing home, hospital and hospice could point you to some in-home care "agencies" in your area and there are still others, perhaps a visiting nurses program from your local hospital where the nurse comes to your mother to change dressings, ets (?). Social Services (in our area) has been helpful. I don't know what kind of community you live in but if there is a church, synagogue, mosque or other organization, sometimes you can call a pastor or religious community leader(s) to ask for people-help...they are usually the ones who hear of the needs first and often have the resources to search out responsible people and community organizations who can help you--often, free of charge. Also organizations like Kiwanis and Rotary often help by sending volunteers to just simply sit with your loved one to give you a break, so that you can take a walk or simply get some sleep. There is something you may want to do and that is, get some grief counseling. It's not bad--and it doesn't hurt. It's hard to displace the feelings you are experiencing--I know it was awful for me. My mother is 102. When she was 99, I finally had to surrender her care to a nursing home and, because I could not physically see it thru to the end, I felt extremely guilty. I go now to her nursing home every day-- and interact with the nursing home personnel and there are a different set of problems. Your parent's pain is something I did not have to deal with, my mother was not in much pain (just emotional pain not being able to talk, etc.)-- but you might consult her physician to help her have relief for the physical pain. And you may want to consult your own physician to make sure you are maintaining your health and emotional balance while going thru this very, very tough time. It's not easy, especially for a person who has deep feelings for their parent. We may be societal "throw-backs" (someone once told me) because we want to care for our parents--I took on the job and I am not sorry. Sometimes it's very hard to admit that we are not completely capable of doing it all. After 7 years of trying, I know I am not completely capable. I did the best I could (most of the time). But I felt very badly when I had to "give up" 100% of her care--, and while I gave up most of the physical one-on-one care, I did not give up. I volunteer at her nursing home and go every evening to feed, diaper, and put her to bed. It is now what I can do for her. So my recommendation is, first, get some rest, then take a step back--assess your situation (vis a vis getting additional help in), do what you can do for your mom and enlist the help of others-- this is when you need to lean on others (maybe people you don't know yet, even!) for support. We will keep you and your dear mom in our thoughts.

Of course, we all know this day is coming. If we're lucky we have kept our parents, or one of them, longer than those of some of our friends, and we have witnessed the struggle from the sidelines..but then, it wasn't us. Now it's our turn.
A whole new set of feelings, and a situation we cannot resolve for the good of everyone. But then, I try to see it from the other side, and realize that it's selfish to try to shield myself from the pain of the situation, when she has given me her all and she is truly ready to be finished with her life. I want that for her, because she is tired. She has had to give up her "things" that she enjoyed having around her. She has stretched her funds as far as they would go and she now needs services from agencies, with people who don't really know her. She is beyond the ability to choose her place, her time, her daily life. These things are all planned without her input. She is fragile, isolated, and has outlived all her friends and family, as well as her eyesight and her hearing. I cannot give her these things back. All I can really do is insist that she be regarded as a valuable, beloved and respected woman with a powerful spirit, and try to comfort her and see to her needs as best I can, knowing her time is short and praying she feels no pain.

I'm so sorry to hear of your Mom' passing, Karen. May God be your comfort, hope and strength. God Bless.

I just lost my mom to ALS at 4:25 a.m this morning. My sister and I were with her and it was so peaceful as she simply took one more breath and just died. It was wonderful to see how mom's poor, useless arms were not stiff anymore but was the hardest to see them take her away. I wouldn't let them zip her up and kissed her one last time on that sweet spot between chin and collar bone. It was a horrible disease that took my dear precious mother and I knew she was ready to die but I still feel selfish and want to take care of her for just a few more days