I've discussed in previous posts my Mom's lifelong negative and controlling personality traits, ocd, paranoia etc. now we've added a little dementia to the already difficult situation.
The past couple of weeks with the help of others advice on this site I have tried to use the "detach with love" approach. It has been helpful in discouraging some of her verbal abuse and negativity. Still I feel guilty remaining somewhat aloof so I have tried to reinforce and compliment her for good behavior. On the rare occasion she says something positive I will say something like "that is such a sweet thing to say" or "it was so kind of you to express that". I will compliment her on something she does such as "the house smells so clean after you polished the table".
The heart breaker is that almost instantly after any compliment she goes from Hyde to Jeckyll mode and goes back to criticizing, negative, complaining, just outright mean spirited.
I've paid close attention to be sure I am not imagining this, even asking my husband "have you noticed anything odd when I compliment mom"? He immediately said "yes, it makes her meaner".
I gave up many years ago trying to get her approval. It is all but impossible and not worth the effort it takes to do anything to her standards, in fact she will immediately raise the bar if I get anywhere near.
I just want to be fair, and kind when there is a reason to do so without rewarding negativity. I look for opportunities to praise her, but it is like that praise is a reminder to her to spoil the mood. Sometimes the look in her eye is so evil it literally creeps me out.
Jeanne you are so right about Mom's abnormal motivations and expectations. I am looking for rationality in an irrational person.
Christina you nailed it! I do set myself up over and over. I've been working on that. Often she asks a question and starts telling me why my answer is wrong before I get out two words of the answer. I have quit answering rather than set myself up by giving her the satisfaction of the "wrong answer". She just proceeds to answer her own question, delighted that she is right again!
Jessie I never realized until I saw your post, but my mother does suspect everyone of manipulation, probably because she is so very manipulative herself. Your first paragraph is exactly like my situation except Mom is mean more often than not. She will change any and every position rather than admit I am right. She lost weight after Dad passed away. She wanted new shoes a few weeks later, when we got to the store her usual size shoes were all too big. I suggested that maybe the weight loss had changed her shoe size. She informed me that one did not loose weight in one's feet and proceeded to buy shoes that were nearly a size too big. Now, months later she scoots along in them like a child playing dress up in her Momma's shoes rather than accept my suggestion, or admit they do not fit!
Chances are that your mother has a keen ear for manipulation. Maybe she is thinking that someone is saying something nice just to get a good response, so she counters with the opposite. If that is the case, it may be best to talk on the positive side of neutral, so it doesn't trigger that manipulation button. Better yet, just ignore and go about your day. We don't have to spend a lot of time with people who make us feel bad even when we live in the same house. It isn't the best arrangement, but sometimes we have to do it to keep the stress off ourselves.
"approval", for her to smile lovingly at you and become June Cleaver. You are a sweet person and she isn't. We can see that, your husband sees it, so just count your blessings and quit setting yourself up for her crappola. If I were there right now I would give you a big hug and tell you how wonderful you are. And I would pretend my Mother did the same to me.
As my daughter says, " Mom, remember what I taught you?" And I say "People suck?" And she says Yes." Lol xo
I don't know if that fits your situation.
Go back to detachment mode. Your mother sounds like she has more mental issues than you are trained to handle, and our normal intuition is often way off in dealing with people who don't have normal motivations and expectations. You can't cure her. Save yourself. No need for feeling guilty. What you are doing is self-preservation.