I've been caring for both my parents since Sept. in their home which is 2-1/2 hours from where I live. I told them in the past that I would care for them but that was when they were OK with me going to my place and coming here periodically. I haven't seen my adult children or grandchildren for 4-1/2 months plus I was helping my friend at his business and he needs me there. My parents have gotten so that they rely on me (I think too much). They can get around with their walkers in the house, they can do their medications and they can fix meals. They don't really need me 24/7 so I just sit here cooped up all day. Of course they don't want "strangers" in their house. My sister is coming from Arizona on Sunday for 2 weeks and we are going to present them with options for continued living (i.e. moving them to a mobile home or apartment near me, having someone come in to their home to help them (of course that would mean a stranger) They don't really have a lot of money to pay for someone to come in. I'm going to feel very, very guilty and like I am more or less deserting them by proposing them to move closer to me and I will feel selfish for wanting to go on with my life while I am able. I am 63 yrs. old and unmarried. My sister can't come out to relieve me for weeks at a time nor can she afford to fly here often. I don't know what else to do and I am afraid that when we present options to them that they will reject them. Am I wrong to want to have a life? The best option is to move the close by me, then I can still be there within 5-15 minutes when they need me for anything and I can visit them often.
On the other hand, you need your family unit (children & grandchildren) to help with your mental state. Unfortunately, I don't have a large family, but the little one I have is everything to me. You need to go home for a break and enjoy them. Your parents should understand even if they don't want you to go (and even if they don't admit to understanding). I mean, they want you right up under them...not "strangers".
It is good that your sister is coming to help you face your parents with these decisions. If the two of you can come up with some ideas that you will support each other on, it will be easier to get your parents on board...I think. I have no siblings, only my mother. Mom is very docile and it leaves me to stand alone when it comes to facing my grandparents. I have to be more assertive than I like at times because I don't really have "back up". You and your sister can help strengthen each other in these situations.
As far as their care is concerned, it seems like they just want you to be close to you. They will probably really consider relocating to a place near you because of this. Of course, when it comes down to it, I sure it will be hard for them to actually leave their home (especially if they've been there for something like 50 years.) Be prepared for that and maybe be prepared to combat their resistance by telling them you understand their feelings. Sometimes simple validation of feelings goes a long way. Maybe even offer to make a scrapbook or something revolving around their home.
Since they can care for themselves, an apartment complex for the elderly might be great. Those are usually based on income and they will be able to make new friends if they choose. These types of complexes usually have a little community center and the greatly desired front porch for rocking chair visits. Remind them how nice it will be to have them so close and that they will even get to enjoy their grandchildren on occasion.
Ultimately, you probably need to be honest with them about your position. It may not even occur to them. Tell them you want to continue to enjoy their company, but you need their help by a compromise. They might not be aware of how long it has been since you've seen your family.
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out.
Why is this happening to so many of us? Because no one made a plan or they did not stick to their plan OR better yet, they did not think it would happen to them. I never thought about dementia the way I should have. Same old story. I did not think this would happen to me. I love my mom but I hate what this has done to my life.
My memories of mom will be misery and guilt for being miserable when she is gone.
She is awake now. I hear her. I will walk into her room and she will ask me if I am her sister (that is usually first) and then she will come around and remember she is my mom...but she doesn't know what "mom" means anymore because if she did, she would feel sorry for me. She would want to help me. She would want me to be happy.
She gets irritated if anyone stops over. My sister in law came to visit this weekend and I jumped up and grabbed my husband to go out for a bite to eat. Mom thought I arranged my sister in laws visit JUST so I could leave the house and she made me so miserable, I couldn't even eat when I got to the restaurant. She insul;ted my sister in law because all she could think about was that I hired a baby sitter and she does not need a baby sitter EVEN THOUGH she cannot find the bathroom a couple of feet away. That is how controlling she has become. If I even tried to bring someone in to help me, she would make my life so miserable, it is not worth it. She just sits and calls all of the shots. The more I write this, the more I realize how NUTS this has become.
I have had her for almost 3 months now, and when I talked to my sister, she claims she can only do a month. It is true. A month is more than enough time without a break.
The denial that comes from dementia is so irritating...you stand in front of her and think she is doing this on purpose. Is she? Isn't she? "What the hell," is all I can say sometimes. If I agree with her, she says I don't believe her. If I argue with her, she says I don't believe her. She hates women. She never had friends from what I can remember. If I bring in someone to help me, what are the chances I can find a man and then I do not think that is going to work out either. I am the only person she wants to take care of her. I AM IT. She has manipulated me to no end. I would love to find someone like me to take care of me.
She has long and short term memory loss and dementia. Yet she is still in controll of her faculties. She writes her checks and pays her bills so far. The abuse is escalating. It's not physical abuse. It's the subtle abuse of triggers, degradation domination. An ugly phenomenon where my brother triggers my Mom and she follows his lead in the abuse. I am the target. As for my Mom, I am aware it is due to her own childhood abuse. It is the Maternal / Paternal cycle of abuse. Before I came here I called adult protective agencies but they could not do anything unless my Mom invited them in. She would not. This has been on going. My Mother does not want my brother to leave. He works, pays no rent, and has all the attributes of entitlement. My Mom washes and irons his clothes and takes care of him. My Mom is patriarchal. She only listen's to men. Please comment.
Your parents have each other and have for many years. They know how to manipulate, and they know how to make you feel guilty. However, you need to point out that they are quite capable of caring for themselves. Elderly people get bored easily, dependent, and now they cannot up and go as much as they used to. What were they doing at age 63? Did they care for their elderly parents in their home? Did they work? Or maybe their parents lived close by.
You have done enough. Go back home, and trust me when I say they will decide what to do on their own. You are not abandoning them for heavens sake! You must put your foot down before this situation consumes your life and resources.....and you end up all alone with no one to help you when the time comes. Take care of yourself first.
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