My father in law refuses to listen to what I ask of him. He always wants to be (always) confrontational with me. I've tired a few different approaches & nothing seems to work, with the exception of having to raise my voice. I'm not comfortable with doing this, because I know he can hear me & what's being asked of him. His son asks him to do things & he (completely) complies to whatever he says with no problem(s) what so ever. However, since I'm dealing with him, for 12 hours a day, I'm becoming a bit confused as to why he doesn't? To me, it almost seems as though he playing games with me. He seems to want me to get upset with him. I don't understand that "concept?" Why does the one that does the most for him, feeding, changing his clothes, showering, & shaving him does he do this with? I need some helpful suggestions please. I'm a bit, not only confused by this behaviour, but why he continues to do this for the one giving him the most amount of care?
For the husband aspect of things. I've had things "held over my head" IF I should call Social Services or anything of that nature. Honestly, I don't care. When it's too much for someone & they explain that to you & you don't care, that says volumes about this marriage. His "concern(s)" are his father, but yet I'm doing too much. There's something (seriously) wrong with this picture. He wouldn't leave, he'd require me to, since he knows I have no family/friends that can/will help me. It's like being in a jail cell for a crime you never committed. It's the reality of this situation that I'm dealing with.
Just a very sincere Thank You to ALL that have taken their time to help me. I deeply appreciate everything that everyone's been doing & has done.
Sunnygirl1-I've tired a few different approches with him. Sadly, the "raising of the voice" seems the only thing to get his attention. It's difficult, saying the least, as I've previously mentioned. Raising my voice isn't something that I feel comfortable with doing to an 84 year old man. I guess, I need to become "more comfortable" with doing it, though it's (extremely) diffcult for me to want to. For the house aspect of things. The house is trashed. It needs new everything. He never kept up on it, neither did his son, & everything's either breaking or needs to be replaced. There's broken window's, screens, & the carpet's got to go. The house sits on a 2 plot property. To me, personally, it's better to sell it & leave someone else to "handle" doing what they want. That being the case, the property's worth MORE than the house that sits on it. Usally, it's the other way around. That's a "clue" as to the shape of things.
To me, it almost seems like he either is to "lazy" to get up & go the bathroom (have had constant issues with that-peeing in his depends because he doesn't want to use the bathroom) or very sadly, he's becoming worse, much quicker than it seems. None the less, I'm seriously heartbroken that I'm watching him "go" this way. It's difficult for me to keep doing this for him, because doing what he did today, just made me sick to my stomach. I've endured much (through out) many year's with him & his surgery. However, today's "mess" was overwhelming to me.
I ended up, giving him a shower, which he wasn't happy about. I ended up shaving him, putting him in clean clothes & I cut his hair on top of everything else.
Regardless of what you are able to muster from your husband, you and your FIL will need some help from somewhere if he is going to live indefinitely in your home.
And as others have pointed out. If your husband is that crazy over the house, he should be keeping up with maintenance which is very expensive. IMO, it's almost imperative to keep on the electricity. So there are bills for that, insurance, property taxes, lawn care, water, etc. It adds up.
In reality, his son seems "oblivious" to what's going on with his own father. Now why (some) of it may be due to his Dementia/Alzheimer's, it's not always the case. It's just like with him being sick now. I know something's wrong. I just know the man & when he's sick or "healthy." I've tried, to no avail to get his son to do the "lion's share" of the work with his father. No matter what "menthods" I've tried/attempted, I'm the one always taken care of him. While it's good for his father & his son, it's not helping me "take a breather" that I truly need. Doing this, pretty much 6 day's a week, is enough to burn anyone out, especially after how long I've been doing it. It's like one "road block" being put up after another. That's kind of how I feel. No matter how exhusted I am, I still need to do what's right/correct for his father & his life.
Make a list of everything you do for Dad-in-law and for your own home, and I mean everything. Now take that list and scratch off half the items, now scratch off some more. Now you have a list that is more manageable for one person and you stick to that new list.
So the laundry now starts to pile up... "sorry, dear, didn't have time today". Dad-in-law is now growing a beard.... "Dad won't let me shave him, actually he looks good with a beard."..... Dad hadn't had a shower in a few days, "can't force him, maybe he will let you [hubby] help him with a shower".... now it becomes hubby job after work to shower and shave his Dad. Get my drift where I am going with this? Think about it.
I just don't understand why his father (constantly) fights me, tooth & nail on what I ask of him to do? It's nothing but for his own benifit(s) & his health;overall. However, his son asks him (anything) he quickly does what's asked of him, even if he "grumbles" about it. The difficult thing for me to "grasp" is the fact(s) that I've been his primary care taker for year's now. His son has done less than 5% of the work load with his father. I would think, that he would be the one "investing" more into his own father than what I've done. I'm missing "the boat" here some where?
None the less, it's another day, that I'm exhusted, but still have to do what's right.
I feel like I'm "losing the battle" with his father. No matter what I ask of him to do, he just doesn't want to. The only thing he will do, without "protesting" is eat. It makes no difference how nice/polite I am with him, when I ask him to do something.
freqflyer-Funny thing you mentioned what you did, as we just had a little "chit-chat" about that last night. I told him, the house hasn't been occupied in an extremely long time. He told me ( I personally don't put much "stock" into what he said) that he's already called the City & explained the situation. Just because you "visit" the house or cut the grass is not living in the property. However, that's my thinking/view on the topic. The pipes did burst, this past Winter, so he shut off the water & his son still hasn't had them fixed.
Why won't you raise your voice? My mother was "too much of a lady" to raise her voice at my father. On the few occasions she did, boy did it work great!
Nothing makes my husband laugh as much as knowing he has gotten under my skin and irritated me. Philosophically, I disapprove, but it works so well I do it anyway.
If you know something that works, Why not use it? Pretend to be a scolding mother or frustrated housewife. "Dad, you're going to be the death of me. Quit sassing me and go sit at the table right now. Men. You're all the same! I never met one who would do what he was told." That would get a delighted cackle out of my husband.
They are all different. I hope you can get some relief.
You'd be surprised how many insurance carrier's will not cover for any damages if the house has been sitting empty as the house has become high risk. All it takes is one broken water pipe to do a ton of damage, and Dad-in-law would be paying the repair cost. If hubby wants to keep the house, get it rented out quickly.
I called my Dad's carrier as my Dad recently moved to senior living apartments. The carrier said they would allow coverage to continue as long as the house was on the market For Sale. Otherwise, they would not insure the house. I would need to hunt around for a carrier who would insure the house and the rates would be much higher.
JessieBelle- I'm in my late 40's to answer your question. He hasn't always provided the money. My thinking is simply this. Since he & his father grew up with a mother that (constantly) did everything for them, with the exception of mowing the lawn & things of that nature, they think/believe it's my "job" to care for his dad. My husband's been told, he's too much for me on a daily basis. He refuses to put him in (some kind) of, either, assisted living or nursing home. I even brought up getting him out of the house for a few days/hours a week, since they have programs for him. He would qualify, I already checked into it. He told me, his mother asked to go home, when she was in one. That was the day before she passed. Even 20 year's later, he remembers the look on her face & still is overwhelmed with guilt. I'm sure, with no doubt(s) it was the hardest thing for him to do, by not doing what she asked. His mother didn't have the same thing as his father does. I never did get the chance to meet her. I met him after 6 months of his mother's passing.
The one thing I'll say is that dementia causes a lack of initiative in people. If you watch Teepa Snow videos on Youtube, that's one of the 10 signs of dementia. My mom doesn't have Alzheimers, but does have dementia or loss of cognitive function. She will let things sit that she would never have left in her younger days. Or she'll say she'll write letters to friends, but she won't. She has zero initiative. So some of that may be going on with your FIL. He's not going to change, so you have to work on your husband, in my view.
What I noticed is that they lose their ability to do things. For example, I may put a cookie in front of my cousin which she wants very much, but she can't remember how to pick it up. If I place it in her hand, she can hold it and eat it. She has forgotten how to touch her hair. If I ask her to touch her head, she'll say okay. But, she won't do it. She'll just sit there and look at me. She can't coordinate her arm and hand to do the work. She can't help it. Eventually, they will lose the ability to do much of anything like eating, swallowing, etc.
I'm posting a link about how dementia patients do outrageous things, but due to the brain damage, it's not really manipulation, though it seems like it. I found the article helpful. It's right here on this sight. I hope it helps. You need a break.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm
Sunnygirl1-I've done so much reading on it, my head hurts. Lol. The thing is, he knows when he needs to go, because he'll say something/grab himself. I let him know, its time to go to the bathroom. He'll just sit & pee. He's told me it's easier for him to do that & for me to change/clean him up, then go to the bathroom. I've even tried/attemtped to get him to go every 1/2 wether or not he needs to, just to try to make it a bit more of a routine for him. That's why I don't understand why he's not "willing" to go to the bathroom, but "willing" to sit & releave himself?
I should clarify something. You can tell when he's "playing games" with you. He even acknowledges what you say/asked him to do, but yet he says he doesn't have to do what I ask of him. He's even, gone so far, to accuse me of not feeding him for 2 day's. He'll laugh about it & tell me he's going to call the police. I'm sorry, but that's not a "fun & game" kind of thing to say to someone.Someone that's only trying to help you. He's said it more than on one occasion. I'm sorry, but that's something that makes me (extremely) uneasy about taking care of him on a daily basis. My husband just tells me to ignore it, since he knows I'm taking good care of him.
Thanks for confirming that your FIL has dementia. This explains a lot. I would read a lot about dementia and how it effects the brain. His brain is not working properly and I would withhold judgment on his behavior, due to this.
Sometimes dementia patients are quite contrary and difficult to control, but it's not your fault or his. It's brain damage. Sometimes, there are clever ways to get them to cooperate though. Sometimes, it's trial and error to develop little things that appeal to them.
Also, keep in mind that when you think that he is not cooperating, IT COULD be that he has forgotten what to do. Dementia can cause confusion, anxiety, agitation, memory loss and lack of judgment. If he could help with some things, I'd be delighted, but I wouldn't place any responsibilities on him. He needs care and protection, so I'd withhold much else.
Also, bladder and bowel incontinence is a normal part of the progression of dementia. It's not on purpose due to laziness. I'd try to be kind about that too.
I would expect that his condition will continue to progress and you will see more challenging behavior. I'd be prepared for that. Caring for a dementia patient, past the early stages if very challenging. I'd discuss it with your husband to see what the options are. It's really too much for one person around the clock. Does he know this? I wish you all the best.
My Dad cannot even make himself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for lunch. And when the cleaning people come to clean his apartment and wash the bedding and towels [he's at Independent Living], Dad won't even take out new towels from the linen closet to use. I have found paper towels being dried on the towel racks.... [sigh]. I know my Dad would wear the same clothes every day, too.
I think some of our elders resent getting older, so they want to pout or be hard headed just because they can. They resent not being able to hop in the car and go to the store whenever they want. They always have to wait for someone to help them.
His father refuses to do anything. All he wants to do, is sit around, watch tv & eat. I've attempted (more than a few year's) to try to have him be "productive" with doing (little) things around our home. An example would be doing the dishes or even folding his laundry that I do. However, he gets confrontational when he's even asked to use the bathroom, go take a nap, or even when he's asked to chew his food with his mouth closed. Nothing has been asked, that would be such a demanding thing from him, his body, or anything of that nature. He expects me to do everything for him, but feed him.
A bit more information. He's the type of individual that will sit around in the same clothes for weeks on end. IF I didn't have him change, on a daily basis, that's exactly what he would do. He knows that his face needs to be shaved, I do it every other day, but yet, he makes an excuse he doesn't know where the electric shaver is. It's always right on the shelf, so he can use/see it.
Something else, while I'm thinking about it. He's become so "lazy" that he'd rather pee in his depends, than go to the bathroom. There's nothing wrong with him, besides his Dementia/Alzheimer's, as he's been (completely) checked over by a doctor. I don't understand what's truly going on? To me, he's capable of doing things, yet he seems so "lazy" not to want to do anything, but feed himself & that's never an issue/problem.
Since your Dad-in-law needs so much help, and you are the one doing the most work with him, your Dad-in-law probably resents the fact that he isn't the big strong guy any more, and that a woman has to take care of him. Do you know if he acted this way with your husband's mother? If yes, then its a bad pattern. If no, maybe it's the Alzheimer's/Dementia doing the talking.
What does Dad-in-law do during the day? How does he keep himself busy? With some people, they need to feel like they are contributing to the household. What was his work background, maybe incorporate that into his daily life style by you asking for his advice, maybe he will change his tune with you.
JessieBelle-I have discussed it (numerous amounts of times) with him. He doesn't seem to want "do anything" more, than just tell me to ignore it. His father's doing it more, because I refuse to raise my voice with him. Being that his son has a deeper/lounder voice, maybe that's the difference? I don't know?
Thank you both for your posting's.