My mom thinks that its easy breezy to care for her, that there shouldn't be any stress involved. I think stress has caused my body to start breaking down. I went to doctor 6 months ago because of ear pain which turned into jaw pain (I had been grinding my teeth at night and when I woke up I would find my finger prints indented into the palms of my hands) doctor told me I had TMJ and a whole lot of stress. He recommended me to go see a mental health clinic, my mom was furious over that comment and told me I was fine and didn't need to go see anyone. 2 months after that I had severe face, head, and neck pain all on my right side. Went to doctor and he diagnosed me with Trigeminal Neurolgia. I was given Tegritol for it. Is all the stress causing this, can it cause this? I haven't been sleeping very well, my mom won't let me go to sleep at a decent hour because she doesn't think she can go long without me being around so I'm lucky if I get to bed by 12 or 1 a.m. I feel like I'm constantly being grumbled at for something. I have been told not stop that I'm lazy and selfish. When I told mom that I wanted some help to care for her, she told me she only wanted me to take care of her--then I got a speel about how when she was young and had 4 kids she cared for all of them and the household and never once complained. Someone please help-I feel like I'm going crazy!
It looks like you're heading for a stroke, and the only way to prevent that is to serve notice you're taking charge of your own life. If she doesn't like it, then give her a phone so she can make other arrangements as it looks to me she's recovering quite well.
Heaven forbid you have some sort of breakdown. Instead of taking responsibility for it, she'll try to make you feel guilty for that too. After all, how dare you have a stroke when there are so many things you're supposed to be doing for her? Her needs, her wants, her whims: who's going to cater to them?
Best Xmas present you can give yourself is taking your life back.
I don't know whether stress is causing your health problems, but it sure as heck isn't helping any.
You certainly don't need your mother's permission to go to a mental health clinic. Go. It is very hard to take care of your mother and of your own health at the same time. Hard, but essential. If you have to slack off a little with your mother while you focus on your needs for a while, so be it.
When your mother was taking care of you, did she ask your permission to bring in a babysitter? You need help. Your mother doesn't get to dictate how many hours you have to devote to her. You are the decision-maker in this situation. Seeing a mental health counselor will help you establish boundaries and to take an adult role even if your mother still sees you as a child under her control.
Your sick mother is experiencing a lot of stress, too. It is very admirable that you are committed to helping her inspite of her poor behavior. I am not at all suggesting that you stop caring for her. But you need to do it on your terms. Get some help -- first for your self, and then to help you care for Mom.
You are not going crazy, you are just caught up in a crazy situation.
A big hug to you and have a blessed Holiday!
Now my mother is in full time care (much to her horror) but with support I learnt exactly how to deal with it. I no longer have headaches or that tiredness and depression and I am happy again. We deserve lives too, and the more you give to your mother the more she will expect, once you can deal with the guilt of putting your foot down and saying 'no more' you will find your health will slowly improve, but when you're stuck in it you won't can't think straight.
My mother is behaving so much better with the little digs now and again which get ignored and not tolerated anymore, I am free now to put my life back together and live this life I've been given, once you take back control, it is an incrediable feeling. Oh and she has 24/7 care and is well cared for where she is...a win win for all in my opinion.
If you won't put her in a nursing home, or if she refuses to go the only thing you can do is change the way you react or as cmagnum says detach, I don't how you can do that when it is with you every day. I couldn't. The emotional rollercoaster really started when I did put my mother into care which is just beautiful with lovely staff that are paid to take care of her every need. The guilt, the manipulation has got worse as you can imagine I am the crap daughter who has turned my back on her and put her in the living hell that she now lives...I realised it doesn't matter whether she was living with me or not I still have that awful feeling of dread.
I have decided on no contact with her she is 84, and believe me it is not easy. She won't let go easily, and by getting my sister and her only friend to text and call me yesterday at my new job, ruined my day completely, I could've sat down and cried. I couldn't sleep last night wondering how did this all happen.
The ONLY thing I can do is change how I react to her carryings on, I have 2 choices 1) to put up and shut up and accept this is my lot end of or 2) I have a life, I am a good person that deserves to be happy and not just exist to please my mother, I have this life its up to me to steer it in the direction I want it to go...Personally I opt for 2) it's just as hard as option 1) maybe even harder...but the outcome has got to be better. My advice (and I'm doing this too everyday), is you have to toughen up, don't be bullied anymore, your life is important, and the choice is yours to just exist or actually live it...(someone got tough with me, and I tell you best thing ever, tho sometimes I want to crawl into a corner somewhere and rock lol....
On a good note for Christmas my daughter and son in law gave us a night stay at the JW Marriott (this swank new luxurous hotel in Indianapolis) and they are going to come and stay with mom so we can get away for the weekend. Ahhhhhh, it is a dream come true. You have to get out. I hire a caregiver service for the important things that I can't miss. I have missed so many of my grandkids events, but no more. But I just started doing it lately, because doc said I need to get out. So long story.....whatever it takes, try to get respite care and get out. It is very hard to to, sometimes almost impossible.
DO NOT neglect yourself like I did. I'm paying for it now.
"When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?"
...anyone asking this question has probably already experienced too much stress - to the point that is the stress is affecting their physical/emotional/spiritual health. If your primary care doctor is recommending professional mental health services, GO! Typically, primary care doctors only recommend such services in the most extreme cases (this may or may not be true for your doc.) Also, find and participate in caregivers support groups in your community. Also, remember that no matter what you do, whether you take care of yourself or not, your mother will probably still call you selfish and lazy. It's not about you and you cannot control her thinking. You can decide how much power you give to her negativity. Blessings to you both.
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