My mother's friends are accusing me of abusing my mother and giving her dementia. Has anyone else had this problem?
I'm ok and not worried now, but I bet I'm not the only one who has been abused by the dementia and abused by the 'friends' of the patient.
One of my mom's friends called last week and said in a very accusatory tone: I'm confused. your mother always did the right thing healthwise and took very good care of herself. How could she get dementia? I said, you're kidding, right? I explained that my mother's mother had it, and about 4 of my uncles had it. Part way through the explanation I realized what was going on and that i was being accused.
I have been accused of everything and the topic of vicious gossip in my Mom's little town. After 5+ years I have moved my little family back to MY hometown, Los Angeles, and our life is so much better now.
this same idiot individual also told me that 'everybody' is saying that I don't want my mom to talk to anyone. That's tough to hear because of all the unreturned phone calls that I have made to her 'friends' leaving messages for them to call or visit (when we were still in NJ). No one wanted to call or visit, just gripe about me and say things like: she's just here to take all of her mom's $ and blah blah blah.
I could have used some friends big time in the beginning of this fight but there were none. Just idiot enablers. Case in point: mom got into a massive car wreck (no one hurt except my poor mom) and I successfully got mom to realize that she couldn't drive anymore. She was 84 at the time and displaying demented behavior. 2 of her friends worked behind my back to get mom her driver's license again. They couldn't see that she was sick and their motivation was getting one over on me. They had no concept of mom hurting herself or worse, someone else. they just wanted to interfere.
these same idiots helped my demented mom hide assets so when I ran out of my own money caring for mom, I had so much stress finding the resources to continue caring for mom and her falling down real estate in need of massive repair.
These people are still morons who don't understand that mom has dementia. they think that I'm making it up. In the rare instance that they do get on the phone with her, they try to get her upset by trashing me because for so long I was the favorite topic on conversation. So yes, it really is better that she doesn't speak to her friends even though I have always put a call through if it comes.
Not one of these people has ever helped but always hindered. Not one person has ever said to me, I understand and how about if I sit with mom while you go to the store or whatever.
I have lost count of the times I have been accused, lied about....
here's one: the daughter of one of these idiots told me: I know that you tried to take your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out.
What? These particular people still have stock certificates that belong to my mom and I have asked for them 3 times. They say that they can't find them. Mom told me in a moment of lucidity a couple of years ago that she remembered giving them the certs 'for safekeeping' not to keep forever. I guess I have to get a letter from an attorney..... these people don't understand that that money belongs to mom and not them. We all know how expensive this journey is and to be hindered by this kind of insanity is insane in and of itself.
I truly hate ignorant people.
Things are better here in sunny CA. Now my friends are saying, Yo bob! I'll hang out with your mom and the tv while you go out for an afternoon.
Now Mom likes my friends better than she likes her idiot friends anyway. My friends don't do vicious gossip and have extremely interesting lives so they always have something interesting to talk about instead of spreading lies about other people.
I am curious if anyone else out there has ever experienced such toxic interference. It was devastating at the time and cost my mom and me a lot of money, time and energy as well as almost killing my mom and who knows who else by putting her behind the wheel of a car after her car wreck.
If this happened to anyone else how did you deal with it?
I am obviously still hurt by it and amazed that people could be so stupid.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
Bobbie
, which by the way, none of the people in the circle ever visited her she was all alone there. They were all just a bunch of gossipers, claiming we were only doing it for the money( what money?) And only so she would build onto our house, it was her idea. And many other things about us that were so far from the truth, I was shocked, you hear of people being accused of this, you think how awful those people are to take advantage of an elderly mom,dad,family member. you never stop and wonder if it is true. You never think someone would ever accuse you of that. Well I guess they do,and I will take more caution now in believing it when someone is accused, it may be that they are just a caring person and other people have nothing better to do than create drama. By the way the girl that started all the drama,whose mom was my aunts housekeeper,told me to my face that she had been angry with me,ever since our family moved into a bigger nicer home and out of a trailer home 3 years ago. So by my aunt adding onto it to make it bigger it pissed her off. (Jelousy and childeshness) I should have known.
So, what do I do? Get a video camera, witnesses, an attorney, or just walk away? When I walked away before it was to save my life, but I had a nagging sadness that nobody cared. Now, it may be the best thing because I wonder why should I put myself through this, again? There was never any emotional bank balance to begin with and maybe this was just a hopeless dream to redeem a horrible experience. Now that the true care-taking is beginning, it looks like it's going to be really bad. I don't need it! It doesn't have to be this way, but it is. Maybe they deserve each other!
While you and your sisters intentions were admirable and unselfish, maybe it's time you'all DO move on. You know the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' which is what this sounds like.
Could it be that the stress of living with someone who is so negative and mean spirited is adding to, or even causing some of your illnesses? I am so glad that you'all stuck together with taking care of her though, but now it may be time to all stick together again by moving out of her little house and leaving the negativity behind.
I know my father best, but his church friends wanted to feel good thinking that my dad could be cared for with some occasional cookies dropped off at the house, or by sitting with him at a church lunch. His square-dancing "friends" cut him off and made him sit when he couldn't learn the steps anymore.
They just conveniently ignored things when he started getting lost while driving, but his car poolers slowly disappeared. The cookies didn't help when his mind became incapable of cooking for himself. Etc., etc.
When I removed my dad from his place for a "permanent vacation" with us, his children, I got irate calls from the pastor and "friends." Yah I said--talk to the hand. Walk in our shoes, not by the side of the road.
That's why family is family -- and you ignore the goody-two-shoes and ignorant.
That is so awful. I am so sorry that you and your family have had to experience these terrible things.
Thank you for your words and thank you for your strength. Your family is so fortunate that you are you and have the integrity it takes to handle this.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father who tried so hard to keep his family together in the wake of this devastating woman.
So your sisters, even after the amazing gift of learning about their father through his words.... cards and letters... still don't get it? sux
You have really touched me and I am sure, all of us who read your post.
I hope you and your wife and family are recovering from this terrible betrayal.
sometimes with the presence of BPD it is so hard to see the dementia.
There should be a series of Public Service Announcements on tv so people not understanding yet what these folks are up to can get a jump on the situation.
I think you all know what I mean... There's the aricept commercial but that is with the 'perfect' family. Dad takes the pill and it's business as usual.
With Personality disorders like the ones we have been dealing with, the person is so screwed up with their hates and suspicions and all of the negative crap they wallow in, it makes it hard for us to see that they are losing it more than usual...
My mom could always be nasty to me at the drop of a feather. She whip it out fast and furious so I became so wary of setting her off... well that's the 'walking on eggshells' everyone is so familiar with, that I didn't really understand how bad she was. I blame myself for how bad it got before I intervened. I was in LA, just got the job of my life, after working for it for 6 years and I would call my mom a few times a week, she was 'just fine' on the phone. She covered it so well and when I would suggest that I come to her for a week so I could help with maintenance, etc she would become hostile and vicious and spew all kinds of mean things at me so I would back off. She told me that she had it handled, didn't need me, she had friends that were more important to her than me....blah blah. Seriously.
There was only a few people who knew who she really was to me. My ex-husband who is a sweetheart, heard her on the phone with me MANY times. I would call to see how she was doing and to hopefully shoot the bull without setting off a s***storm, and not always, but frequently, while she was recounting some incident between her and someone else that was always negative, she would flip out and start blaming ME for whatever she was experiencing. No kidding!.. This has been my mom's MO since I had conscious memory as a little kid. My ex would hear her screaming over the phone and calling me all kinds of names and telling me how awful I was, etc etc.
We have a next door neighbor that knows the whole story and has witnessed the insanity, and my current husband saw it all first hand. Mom actually accused him of 'coming on' to her! Told EVERYBODY. If it wasn't for him, she would have physically attacked me in the first 6 months I was back east dealing with the whole thing. If it wasn't for him I would have been dead 4 years now. he has literally been my knight and my sanity.
it's important for those of us who have been wronged like this to have someone who knows. The rest of the world thinks that my mom is a saint. I'm not kidding. She had a little group of acolytes (sp) that have really been nasty to me. One woman told me; your mother is a saint to me.. and i know she was a saint to her. this poor lady got a lot of comfort from my mom. My mom loved a lot of people and was good to a lot of people. She was good to me and supportive... I am trying to stay balanced but the disconnect of the BPD makes it a huge proce to pay for having a parent. Our memories are stained with insanity and we struggle to dig through the crap and find the good stuff, baby.
I always knew she was sick. Even when I was really little I knew she was sick because of the constant lying. I loved her more than anything and in many ways she was an amazing mother who taught me wonderful things. But there was that flip side and it was horrifying. When my Dad started drinking (WWII untreated PTSD, job stress... MOM) I was about 10 or 11 it was over. Hell on Earth in that house. We had good times but when it went South, it was CRAZY. I didn't know what was wrong with me and actually it has affected me all of my life because I am actually very awkward socially. oh yeah. shy, but tries to cover with a big mouth. That and I have the scars of many buses that I have been thrown under.
I ain't crying/whining... it just is and despite all of this stuff I was determined to have a great life and I would like to have some more if it's ok, without killing myself straightening out my mothers health, real estate, hoarding (over 8000 sq ft total of crap squirrelled away..between 2 houses, and a big commercial building...over 5 years and still cleaning that out) and on top of that, the ignorance of the people the were supposed to be her 'friends'.
I think, honestly, that her 'friends' were impressed by the RE and that was primarily their reaction to me, that I was only there for the property and money oh Ed....I get blamed for drugs also, but I am the absolute opposite of 'gaunt'.
I am pleasantly suprised that I am not institutionalized.
In order to socialize my mother to where we could live with her we spent many years and a lot of tears. I certainly didn't and can't now trust her.... she has trusted me. I kept telling her that she was 'safe and sound'. I tried every trick I knew to build trust and help her relax. It worked. Now like I mentioned earlier, the disease has taken the broken personality and left the sweet lady everybody else has been talking about!
I know that I've said that I wouldn't do this again. If I had it to do over I would have placed mom. That is because my health has declined so. (I'm working hard on bringing myself back to health) The fact that I can sit with my mom without acrimony and get her to laugh, etc etc does make me grateful that we have this time together. But man, what a price. It was like taming a feral animal. Absolutely soul sucking.
Thanks you guys for letting me vent. and thanks for sharing your lives. I am appreciative of your time and I look forward to learning more.
lovbob
I've, and still am, going through some of the toxicity from relatives and friends of the Puerto Rican side of my family (the other is Brazilian). He had a long bout with prostate cancer, and while taking care of him I forgot to take care of myself and dropped a lot of weight. I had such a "gone with the wind" look that rumors began spreading about my chronic drug use, and that the reason I "volunteered" to take care of him was because I needed his money to keep getting high.
My parents divorced in 1964. My three sisters stayed in NYC; I, the only boy, went to the Amazon with my father. I was the spitting image of my Dad, and Mom couldn't possibly keep something that reminded her of someone she hated. Still, he wanted to make sure every one of his children received his/her patrimony.
His entire Brazilian family, who had lived on about 2,900 acres for almost 100 years, had handed down the land from generation to generation to the eldest male. I would, then, continue this tradition. Still, Dad provided for all his children quite well and no one had ever done without. ... Except my three Puerto Rican sisters, whom my mother deprived of their share of Dad's estate because "she didn't want any charity and didn't need a man to survive." Mom returned his money orders as well as unopened letters and birthday cards to my sisters that included money. Well before he got sick, he drafted a Living Will & Testament that didn't include my three sisters because that's how my mother wanted it. Dad, however, left plenty of money with me for my three sisters so they could "grieve in style."
After returning from South America two weeks later, I contacted my sisters to come pick up their money. They were at my doorstep half an hour later. Each one received about $75K as well as the unopened letters and birthday cards my mother returned to him out of spite. My mother had brainwashed them all these years, so they grew to resent -- if not hate -- my Dad for "abandoning them and not sending a penny for child support." Pot after pot of coffee, tears dripping on the pages, they read every last letter and birthday card.
Completely left out of the Will, my mother retaliated by spreading vicious lies about my drug use, told my wife that I was cheating, told me that my wife confessed to her our twins are not mine, pinned every large scar on her body to my Dad rather than her drunken part-time "husbands," turned old friends and neighbors into my enemies, and went as far as claiming that I also physically abused her just as my father Did. There was absolutely no proof to all of this, but they believed her. My wife and I requested we met at her house along with her circle of friends so we could cross the "t"s and dot the "i"s. She refused, so we showed up and she didn't open the door. A couple of days later my wife and I were picked up by the police in the middle of the night for "menacing" her with a machete and a baseball bat. The consummate actress, even the police believed her. She was given an Order of Protection, so my wife and kids couldn't even come near 100 feet from her. Sending her mail was also construed as harassment -- even a Xmas card. ... Now, at 77, she claims no one comes to visit and no one cares about her; and told me to forget she was my mother. "I almost have," I responded.
All in all, my sisters continue to side with her. To them, my Dad was an abusive cockroach with money who deserved everything he got. All four of them now have a common objective: getting me to sell the property he left. It'd require the eviction of the entire extended family, but they don't care. I have two words for them: NEVER HAPPEN. Also, my heart and my home are no longer open for inconsiderate, selfish, greedy, and parasitic people who only care about themselves. It doesn't matter whom, it doesn't matter where, but that kind of stress is not an option for me. When all is said and done, I've done the best I could with what I had, my conscience is clear, and I don't owe anything to anyone.
Take care of yourself Bobbie, and try to stay balanced.
Secret Sister, thanks for all that writing.. you and I have shared the BPD, which is awful as we both know only too well.
thank you all for some great suggestions and comfort. I am grateful for all of your knowledge and experience.
SS, I know what you mean with the fact that they are very charming and can convince people of anything.
Mom was inside this gossip circle and I know that must have something to do with it all because I did alter the circumstances so these people did not have free access to her. When I got there I realized quickly that she could be just fine and we were all getting along, then one of these people would call her and she would whisper and start to act out. By the time she got off the phone she was a beast and would stay that way for the rest of the day. This interferene peaked on my mom's birthday in 2008. It's been almost gone since.
She would also give me the never ending evil eye. In the beginning it took over 18 months before she smiled at me.
there's a lot of laughing here now. I will grab one of mom's feet and wiggle her toes and ask her if these are her piggies. That makes her giggle like a two year old. that and telling her every once in awhile to go get some beer. Neither one of us drinks these days but it's funny to see the look on her face when I say How about some beer? today we feasted on Chinese food and watched the Modern Marvels marathon.
Her friends don't get that she's someone you would play peek a boo with and grab her piggies. It is amazing that someone would get blamed for causing dementia. It's actually kind of funny now that I know I'm not alone. thanks again naheaton!
I guess that it is the natural thing for some people to want to believe the worst about those of us who are responsible for our parents.
I would like to send pictures but everytime we pick up a camera mom goes from pleasant to pathetic. Unbelievable. I'll have to sneak a pic!
I was never able to get her on video being 'extreme' but enough people have witnessed the behavior. I did get video of the house stuffed full of the fruits of hoarding before I fixed it. thankfully I don't have siblings to argue with. Man that would punch the ticket.
thank you for the suggestions and stories and I look forward to seeing how many others surface that have been unfairly accused/abused.
Bobbie
The recorder is a good friend though I agree. About 7 months ago I just said that I was going to save my moms messages and they are some dozzies!!! I'm saving some now as well. Sometimes when she starts telling me how good my sister is to her, it's all I can do to keep from playing those msgs where she talks about how they neglect her. But I don't.
That was a good one about the cancer naheaton, classic. I'm still laughing!
my mom passes mini mentals with flying colors, too. But when taken to a 4 1/2 hour Geriatric Assessment Clinic evaluation, she didn't pass at all. The team of Physician, Social Worker, Nurse, and Pharmacist said she rang every mental illness bell. Mom told them I caused all her problems, and that her children (sis and me) were the reason she acted the way she did. How incredible that we could make her abuse us! She threw my little sister down the stairs, who said she tried to kill her. They said Mom needs a Psychiatrist (but he was more incompetent than my mother!). They also said mom will get much worse. Don't want to go to that picture show!
We second-guess ourselves, hoping someone will back us up. I say, trust your instincts. Use a video recorder with sound, and send a copy to unbelievers. Ha! Send along a bag of popcorn and some juju fruits. Invite the whole neighborhood, or play it at a family reunion. Now there's a novel idea.
She told people that I wouldn't give her any money, (even though I gave her plenty) so they feel sorry for her and give her some of their own. When I try to tell them she's lying, they say, "We don't believe you." But it's their money, and I tried to warn them. She actually has more than they. If they want to give theirs away to her, that's their problem. Very gullible if you ask me. They love to side with her and enable her OCPD and paranoia about me, too. She's also got a Dependency and Anxiety Disorders. Must be that her friends have issues as well if they can't see what's going on. Hence: water seeks it's own level.
She was always abusive and neglectful of my sister and me. And she was abusing and neglecting my dad who has Alzheimer's Disease, so he was removed from the home. She's so mean to him when she visits, that even he complains to the nurses about her, so the Social Worker limited her visits. They told me to tell her friends she has a Personality Disorder (several--by diagnosis) and they say, "It can't be true; she's lovely!" But to me, she's not. She's the very text book replica of a Borderline/sometimes Narcissist (BPD/NPD). And if you read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," you'll see how they can fake it pretty good to the outside world. They just aren't seeing what we're seeing...yet. There will come a day when they can no longer fake it with outsiders. Mom's friends have even called the DHS on me; funny thing is, no one believed them. They just did a little background check, and nothing more was said. Consider the source, I say.
Those who haven't experienced it firsthand, or don't recognize it, just don't understand. Try telling them, and they look suspect at you. They're blind and cannot see. The reason? People with BPD charms the socks off them, then turns on the ones they're closest to. Ask my family members. Ask the police who get the phone calls, who know exactly what they're dealing with.
Coping with mental illness is no joy ride for loved ones. Outsiders and peripheral family members and friends just don't understand. They never will unless they are targeted with BPD behavior. That is just the way it is. However, there are people who know all about it, and if you're in question about someone's behavior, Google: Personality Disorders. You'll be amazed at what you find there. Try BPD, NPD, OCPD, etc. And there are many more... It is not like ordinary dementia, though has similar characteristics. Doctors don't see it in a 15 minute office visit unless someone is real far gone. I'm just so thankful to have found it all in black and white as diagnosed by competent professionals.
So, let them talk and rail away. I smile and thank God for my sanity, and for the peace of mind that comes from knowing mom's problems are hers, and have nothing to do with me. It does hurt, but it's others' short-sidedness, and not mine. I don't need to fear what they say when I can open up a book that lines up with my observations. I'm trying to not worry what others think of me, because I know what I have lived through for the last 52 years, and they don't. Neither do they want to hear. I have a year's worth of mom's recorded rantings and they are ravings from a mad mind. I keep them to protect me in case I ever need to defend myself against her word verses mine.
I am concentrating on my friends who love and cherish me. They're encouraging and a joy to my heart and soul. It's like God has taken all that pain and said, "Look, here's a host of loving people to surround you and lift your spirits." I can say today that my cup overflows. Every time I turn around I get a blessing of some sort. The only pain comes when I'm around my mom. So I let the phone just ring away, and spend time with a friend instead. Do I want to wallow in my mother's muck and mire, or go on my merry way? Let her complain! What's it to me? If she wants to live in that sick world, gossiping about me behind my back, saying all sorts of evil against me, well, have at it honey! I don't. That's just another element of knowing the truth and being set free.
I was catering to mom's every whim, trying to meet her needs, but never could. She has a new caregiver now, who's legally responsible for her care. The courts say mom is incapacitated and needs a guardian and conservator. Let them do her bidding for $60.00 a month. All I got was grief, so we say, "Don't call to complain." I've heard all I want for a lifetime. I won't worry or fret, since she's reaping what she sowed. My reward comes from above, and so far, am showered so well, my cup overflows. Seems God heard my prayers and sent relief.
And probably those bad eggs have known friends whose deadbeat kids have ripped off their parents in the guise of being caregiver. Or it's happened to them. We've heard about it plenty on this list...including my mom's case.
my dad was 84 yrs old and pulled out in front of a semi ! luckly him and my step mom didnt get killed !
dementia is part of disease and it doe's not cause by anybody causing it .
those idiot people need to stay away from ur mother , glad she likes ur friends .
i never had to deal with it but my brother has and that is one of other reason for him to get out of fla and be in indiana with me .
gotta be careful around those cons . mostly is my father s step kids , since his wife pass away 2 yrs ago .
hope u;ll have everything taken care of soon . youre a good pesron !