Husband was very verbal abusive for years. He had a open heart surg. 1995.. Been sick ever since. He ran out on me and partied and I excused it for a very long time. Thinking I will make it work out only to find him too sick to even live life now. He is used to me catering to him and its my own fault. I am burnt out and want to move on. I am 68 years old still have life and willpower in me. He is with a walker now, he hasn't had desire to leave apt for 6 months. Lived here for 2 and a half years he has only been out at least 10 times. He sits and watches tv from 8 am to 8 pm. He can get up and go to bathroom and bed. He had never attempted to go in any room or kitchen not once. I want to leave and start a life of my own but not knowing what to even do.. Been married 37 years. If I walk out he cannot make it.. Family will not help ???? Any ideas ~
I was married to my ex for 30 years. He has depression and stayed in bed any chance he could for 20+ hours at a time. He didn't want to go out nor have anyone come to visit. He played with model trains in a spare bedroom. That was my life.
Something happened to my attitude at menopause. I went to see a counselor because I didn't know if I wanted to be married anymore. She told me something I've never forgotten. She said, "You've been married for 30 years (20-50 yrs old), look back on those years. Now, look ahead 30 years (I'd be 80), do you want to have the same life that you had for the last 30 years for the NEXT 30 years?" The words that came flying out of my mouth were "Oh, h*ll, no!" It even surprised me. She said, "I think you have your answer."
I think you've come to the same conclusion. I left everything behind so I wouldn't upset my son and my ex. My ex has no organizational skills and I took care of everything. I really wondered if he could make it but, that wasn't my problem. I HAD to leave. I'm glad I did and I've never looked back. He and I are friends now and I am remarried to someone who enjoys life.
Does your husband have a social worker that he works with? Or a doctor that can refer him to assisted living? Visit your local Senior Center and check out what services would be available for him. If he has less than $2000. in the bank and makes less than $1400./month, he can qualify for Medi-Cal/Medicaid. They will pay for a nursing home or other care. You can do the footwork for him, give him the information but his future isn't your problem.
For you, I would also check the Senior Options booklet or information at the Senior Center or the Area on Aging as to what's available for you (senior apartment, food stamps, etc.)
Only someone that's been in your shoes can understand where you stand. Don't let others talk you out of your decision. Leaving my ex was the best decision I ever made. I am "living" again.
Good luck to you.
You're going to have to take the initiative in this. If you leave and the other family members are notified, they’ll have to step up. And maybe your husband will find new determination if he has to care for himself.