Caring for my parents is just getting worse...what can I do?
My parents are 71 and 81. I am the youngest child. I do have an older half-sister but she is schzophrenic. I am single, unemployed and on disability myself with no resources or friends.
Dad (81) had a stroke four years ago. This last one did permanent damage to his left arm. I moved to their apartment building and began my limited caregiving duties. My parents are both quite manipulative and use guilt-trips on me. Mom has long been both mentally and physically ill but does take her many medications. At the time, Dad took precedence. They don't have much of a marriage; they do not help each other. When I am not there, they often fight. My mother will tell me or I will arrive at the end of a not-pleasant discussion over something. My father states he loves my mom dearly and that he could not bear to be separated from her. Mom says she's not going to any nursing home because she wouldn't be allowed to smoke her two-pack-a-day cigarette habit. I am a staunch non-smoker so living with me is a moot.
During the last four YEARS, my control-freak Dad has fought me on everything an aging parent needs to do if they want to stay at home, from in-home care to getting financial subsidy for a nursing home, to getting power-of-attorney set up, etc, etc, etc. It was terribly embarassing do be asked a SECOND time "You still DON'T have power-of-attorney set up?!" when I got their income tax done. I have had many talks with Dad about the situation but it's his way or the highway. It is like he does not WANT to understand that I am struggling myself and that, worse case scenario, I could wind up homeless in the next year.
Meanwhile, it is obvious they are both declining more and more each month yet my father refuses to make arrangements for himself and his wife, despite the fact that he does have a contact person/case manager, AND his own doctor told him last month he should be in a nursing home. After four years of this craziness, I have distanced myself emotionally as I figure his ignorance is no longer my crisis. I naively signed up for this situation (and they should have realized I could not handle it given my situation and limitations), yet I do want to see them taken care of properly before one of them falls and breaks something. What can I do if I can't force them to do anything? Any suggestions? Thanks
I have learned from the above experience that there's only so much that I can do for father. If he's determined to harm himself, no one (APS, 911, elder lawyer) is willing to step up to help. It seems, since he wants to die, then let him be. That was my take from my experience. I'm NOT saying that this will apply elsewhere. Unfortunately, in our local beliefs, when a husband dies, the other spouse will join him within a year or 2. It's a given.
The only time APS will step in - for those of you in the states - is when they become a danger to themselves and others...but that is only After They Get hurt! this is what I read over and over on this site.
When people ask me about POA, I just tell them straight that he refuses to give anyone POA. He thinks that anyone who gives POA over you - is a fool. My father is also a control freak. He tells me how to wash him,how to wipe him,when i should eat, how I should eat, when I should sleep, etc.... It's a constant struggle between us. He orders me, and I rebel.
I think as long as you live them, they will continue to believe that it is enough. They will see no incentive to find alternative care for themselves. Only you would know what to do. Would you get in trouble for moving out knowing that they need help? If others already view as their caregiver, won't that make you obligated to ensure they are safe? My oldest sister told me this when I could no longer handle both bedridden parents,a full-time job and none of my 6 siblings offering to help watch atleast Friday and Saturday nights so that I can rest. I told them that I was walking out. Sis said that I cannot - it would be abandonment and be charged for elder neglect. That's when I became seriously suicidal. Since I couldn't leave both bedridden parents (oldest bro + wife + 3 grown children live just next door - a few yards away) - I decided death was the only way out of this prison. Fortunately, I found this site and got some great advice from posters here. It has helped me a LOT!!!
I helped him the best I could before he fell, but It killed me to see him struggle and not accept the fact that he needed help. I can't offer advice but maybe knowing that others have been in the same situation may help.
for my Mother and I get frustrated too. I really don't want the end of our lives together to ALWAYS be an argument. This caregiving has been a growth period for me and aging is scary for those losing independence as well. I have gone to a local caregiver support group which meets once a month and it may not have changed anything but I was able to have a few laughs and talk and listen to know that some of us get this challenge in the end....what I do know is that you must continue to take care of you. Pray, chant, meditate, go for a walk, go to the library
but take care of you..and stay hydrated with water..I wish you the best.
To clairify a few points, I do live in Canada so some suggestions don't apply, like VA benefits. Unfortunately, Canada only supports caregivers for six months AND only if your parent is not expected to live beyond six months! I cannot afford an elder attorney to grant me guardianship, and even with that, I don't believe it would work, as Bookluvr posted above. Also, I DON'T live with my parents, but I do live in the same apartment building, on different floors. I am not dependent on them, financially or otherwise, as they are dirt poor, living only on old age pensions.
BUT I am beginning to concentrate on my problems as they are are time-sensitive. And I am beginning to refuse my father's increasing demands to be "on-call". He hung up on me last night when I told him I was unavailable to come over due to illness. I now realize that my father created this awful situation for himself and his wife by his selfishness and stubborness, so now he can fix it. If I had a child, I WOULD NEVER EXPECT MY CHILD TO DEAL WITH MY AGING ISSUES!!! Also, my dad's' doctor and caseworker know how difficult he is, and that I have tried and tried and tried to help Dad with his quality of life, so, from a legal standpoint, I think I'm covered. There is no fillial law in Ontario, apparently (thank God).
As Care1975 said, I believe this situation will go the way of catastrophic planning. Sad, but that's the way they want it. :(
Yes, 1Tommy, it would be nice to hang out with friends, but they all left when my job, money and eventually health did from the 2008 recession.
The one positive thing I have learned from this nightmare is how NOT to behave when I grow older, if I can help it.
Again, thank you all for your advice and for allowing me to vent without judgement. (((((((( big hug ))))))))).
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