My father-in-law could be at risk of being taken advantage of financially by two of his children (technically his step children though he raised them and has always considered them his children). These two want him to transfer money to them even though he is a community spouse whose wife is on medicaid in an Alzheimer's LTC setting.
These children are telling him they will put the transferred money in an account to be returned to him if he ever needs it. An attorney who helped with his wife's medicaid application process and wrote a letter concerning a recent appeal included a paragraph (for his children's benefit) of why my father-in-law should not consider transfers at this point. All transfers must be disclosed during his wife's medicaid redetermination and could cause further scrutiny. Plus a transfer could jeopardize future care options for my father-in-law in a 60 month look back should his care needs increase. This attorney also explained how these sort of verbal family arrangements can often go awry and leave the elderly person unprotected.
We had hoped this letter would quell the interest in Dad's money, but that had not been the case. These two children sought their own legal advice and say their attorney (whom they view as more qualified) thinks these transfers would be OK.
I handle all of my in-laws finances and advocate medically for both though I am not their POA. My husband is my father-in-law's only biological child. We want my father-in-law to keep all assets where they are for his use. We want to avoid scrutiny and trouble down the road. Neither of us want any part of transferring monies. We are the only ones involved with helping the folks while the others provide stress and negative opinions, but no real assistance.
We fear Dad could be convinced to make transfers to "save peace" with these two because he had always tried to compensate and make them feel he is not treating them differently since they are not his natural children.
My father-in-law is a Veteran with PTSD and a 100% disability. This is causing him a great deal of stress. We have informed his VA social worker who also works with him in a group setting of these family dynamics. She is trying to empower him to say NO because he has shared he really doesn't want to make any transfers. This is all SO unsettling.
If the other two are successful in receiving a transfer I will step out of managing finances and inform the state of my reasons and departure date. This might protect my husband and me but will not benefit my father- in-law as we fear the others will not act with integrity or be responsible with financial oversight.
Any suggestions?
My husband's siblings don't need their folks money...in fact one owns his own business and is supposedly a millionaire. The other mitt not be living at the level she would want to be at, but her choices are to blame AND she is certainly not destitute.
We can be thankful to have husbands thst are good providers AND thankful to be able to provide this care.
You did not overwhelm me at all. I appreciate knowing I am nkt the only one out here dealing with messed up family dynamics.
My father-in-law recently talked about getting this POA stuff done so I believe he is willing. I just want my husband leading these changes not me.
It is a strange situation since everyone in the family is content to let me handle everything for their folks...though my husband does occassionally help some.
Thanks for your input Rainey69!
Rainey 69 I totally understand what you say about putting your life and career on hold and all you get is ugliness, criticism.
How do you deal with the anger and resentment? I am flipping mad and stressed to the max all the time by these two siblings self-serving schemes.
I did this sort of care for my own folks. I have a great deal of knowledge and compassion and don't mind doing the actual care to help my husbands folks. BUT I am incredulous about what I see as patental abuse.
We need to get my father-in-law over to change his POA and he has expressed a desire yo do this. However, because my mother-in-law is not incompetent the lawyer says it will be very difficult yo change her POA status and thst we need to get the daughter to write a letter stating she does not want these duties then they will pass to my husband. About three years ago when a social worker explained this the daughter's response was, "I dont have time to write a letter and she told me to write her letter for her and she'd sign it. I was doing all the work and still am). So I wasn't about to write her letter for her...especially since I am the daughter-in-law. But I sure wish I had now that they are pressuring dad to transfer his money over.
The nursing home is aware of these dynamics and at my fsther-in-law's request as POA they call me for care decisions related to my mother-in-law's care.
I have POA over my Mom and thank god because my brothers would have bled her dry and or shoved her in a home where she would have been broke in a hurry. I have been villianized and accused of all kinds of crap I have never done or said, all because I was the one Mom chose and adhered to her wishes. They are mad because all they care about is HER MONEY, not theirs, HER'S! They do not attempt to spend time with her or help in anyway. It's all me caring for her with all her issues, saving the money so she doesn't go broke, had to put my life and career on hold, do they care? NO. All they are concerned with is what they see as their "cut" so they have blamed me for Mom's choice like I coerced her into the decision. Buckle up! Be tough, and do what you feel is right if you see the vultures already circling.