I was a caregiver to my parents for many years. There were many warm and loving times with my family. Like any other family we had challenging times too.
As the years went by, many times I felt overlooked or unappreciated. It seems like we fall into routines and are often taken for granted.
At times, I felt lost and confused, frustrated and even angry. Most of all I felt exhausted!
It meant everything to me when I was told by my parents and others that I was appreciated. A sincere, ‘Thank you!’ goes a long way.
I know that caregivers need a lot more than kind words to survive. They need time for themselves and appropriate help.
One particular Christmas, my niece gave me a lovely gift that included all sorts of sweet treats inside, chocolates, bath products, nail polish, gift cards, etc. which I appreciated very much. She included a beautiful card that she tucked inside with a handwritten letter telling me that she recognized all of my efforts. It brought tears to my eyes.
I also received lots of help from fellow and former caregivers from AgingCare website. I am truly appreciative of the warmth and support that you offered. Therapy helped as well as an in person support group for caregivers.
Some people feel that people who give selflessly should not expect anything in return. I don’t agree with this. Everyone deserves to be appreciated by those they are caring for or the families who hire them. Otherwise, resentment and despair builds up and it can cause devastating effects for the caregiver.
Sometimes I felt invisible as the caregiver. Some people who spoke to me only inquired about my mom, and never asked how I was holding up.
At times we hear about caregivers who consider it an honor or privilege to care for others. Oh gosh, I can’t say that I felt this way. I cared about my parents wellbeing but it was emotionally draining for me.
Every time I turn around I see ads for caregivers. It’s a tough job! Often a thankless one too.
I would love to read responses from all caregivers, past and present. What do you want this Christmas and throughout the year?
I placed this under family caregiver because I didn’t see any other fit. I would love to hear from any and all caregivers, family, facility and hospice workers.
Caregivers, what changes in attitude would you like to see?
If you are a family member please chime in too.
I would love for my brother and sisters to reach out more to my wife and I and maybe offer a little respite or at lease visit us occasionally. They all live within 30 minutes.
Maybe bring over some food or a small loving gift for Kathy.
It's like they want to keep their heads in the sand and act like everything is just as it has always been.
I WISH!!
I send my respect and admiration to all of you who are in my shoes.
Jamie
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Thanks for sharing your story.
Note: It's a good idea to check their policy if it is a caregiver employed by a business. It was necessary for my gift cards to be given to the manager to be distributed, which I actually appreciated.
(As a former letter carrier, I appreciated any items from my customers, but took most of them back to the station to share....money gifts/gift cards were matched in $ amount by me with a donation to local charities...the notes of appreciation meant the world.)
Enjoy!
I especially love that some caregivers gifted themselves gifts if they knew that they would not receive anything from others.
🙂
On another note, I enjoy giving. Since the Novel Coronavirus affected so many family units' ability to put food on the table, our locality has started a community outdoor food pantry. I enjoy contributing to it daily since so many have food insecurity. It's called 'Caring Cupboard,' with branches elsewhere also. I require nothing, personally, but a friend and I share appreciation of one another, else how would one know that you've stocked the food pantry? "I appreciate you" goes a LONG way and not just for that application.
I would love it if my brother once thanked me for moving in with my parents to caretake my mother. It would help if he said ‘thank you for doing the heavy lifting. Because of you I’m off the hook. What can I do to make your life easier? What do you need?’
Instead I feel that no one understands the nonstop quicksand hell I’m in. Like you, I’ve felt unbelievably invisible, with most inquiring about my mother and never asking if I’m ok.
I think a sincere note would mean a lot. A care basket for me with toiletries, a candle, CHOCOLATE, would be amazing. A gift card for a massage, facial or mani pedi would be amazing. But the thing I find I’m craving most is sincere acknowledgment from anyone.
I will say that I am so grateful for this community and realize that all of you understand the caretaking experience deeply. It’s been so validating. Thanks to all of you!!! I just sent a prayer that each and every one of you receive a miracle this holiday season. XO 😘
Trust me, I get where you’re coming from. Caregivers go through a lot of heartache, grief and isolation.
You’re right, being shown gratitude goes a long way.
I truly hope that your situation will improve soon. As the years go by, it becomes more difficult and harder to bear.
Wishing all the best for you.
-Getting someone other than me to do all the work and errands, even if it means splitting up the duties and bringing in multiple people
-Leaving me alone and letting me get some beyond overdue rest and hit the road for a few weeks. I've rarely had a night where I got more than 6 hours of undisturbed sleep and I haven't been on a vacation in almost 5 and a half years.
-Turning her apologizes for being sick into changed behavior
-Being up and around the house more than once a week
-Starting physical therapy, as well as finishing it
-Losing some weight
What I want for Christmas: My freedom and my life back.
I can relate to the lack of sleep, but mine is through worry about my mom and the lack of sibling responsibility since my father passed away about 20 years ago.
Try to stay healthy, find little mind escapes, we'll find the are the only escapes some caregivers have. Just 5 mins here and there to think about something else.
Love & Peace.
It's a thankless job caregiving. If anyone is interested you can start by reading my first post as this sets the stage for my situation.
I come from a large family and over the years it has been two people, me and my sister, that have made the effort to look after mom after my father passed away.
We both visited our mother almost every weekend after my father passed away, My mother was more able at the time so, there was less caregiving and more being there for support after my father passed away.
As time went on and my mom's health deteriorated I spent months on end between jobs caregiving and also at times consciously decided to prolong looking for my next job to help around the house and just be there for support.
I've heard about so many suffer through loneliness and I did not want that for my mother.
I have experienced similar feeling to others in reply to this post, not being able to do things for yourself for years on end, watching your own health deteriorate whilst caregiving, watching the years go by like months, worried that my future ends here, no more travelling, no more independence, at least not without health issues making it all a lot more difficult than it would have been 20 years back. I didn't see this coming and now it's taking 20 years of my life.
I relate with feeling of being invisible as well. Other members of the family are able to enjoy their life (or at least get on with their lives), because someone else is doing the caregiving for mom. All without a shred from gratitude over the years from anyone of the siblings. It's just something that's magically being done, without a blind bit of notice from my siblings. As there's no communication between us for various reasons, there's more likelihood of viscous comments than gratitude from siblings.
I do not talk to any of my siblings now, including my sister that does the occasional weekend caregiving.
There's never a way of adding every piece of information that led to problems we have with caregiving, without sitting down with every single person on the forum and discussing my the entire chain of events, every relationship with each of my siblings and how it led this the current situation.
I would say a simple words of gratitude from my own mother are the only gift I need. I do get these occasionally. I don't expect anything from my siblings anymore. Also reading supportive replies I've had is a gift from people that are in a similar situation.
There are also the free gifts of nature, when we are able to enjoy them. That could be as simple as looking out the window at trees, birds, flowers.
Love & Peace.
I hear you, I feel what you feel. There will be karma one day.
Hello Karma
If a person celebrates Christmas they're not troubled by karma because that's not really a thing with the Christmas celebrators.
Us Jews don't really go for it either.
Ofcourse a card with thankful words accompanied the money.