Mom, 90, lives independently. She has moderate vascular dementia and refuses to move. I live 400 miles away. A long time neighbor is assisting her and I pay him. They live in a townhouse association, so Mom has neighbors on both sides. Of major concern is keeping things safe...for everyone. Neighbor checks stove/oven to make sure nothing's left on. So I was thinking the other day, would it be possible for the condo association to strongly recommend that she move closer to her daughter because of Mom's memory problems and because of the potential fire risk? We just paid over $8,000 to fix sewage line because she was cutting paper towels into squares and using them because she did not think she had any toilet paper. I will be visiting her this month and I'm hoping she'll come home with me for a week or so...and maybe we can look at some memory care facilities. But as the only child, I have no leverage. I have POA and am not willing to go for guardianship. Mom has her memory issues...but she also knows her likes and preferences. The neighbor/assistant has no peace. Mom calls or comes over at all hours. Things will only get worse with her memory and I feel I will need some authority to "force" her to make a change in her living arrangement. It's tragic to think that it might be medical or police authority...and then the other day I thought, what about the condo association. Could they push the issue in a caring way. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Only child here, too, so no other siblings to help to convince my parents.... [sigh]. Plus, we are still viewed as the "kid" so what do we know !!
I was one where I had to wait for that phone call saying Mom fell and Dad couldn't get her up. She spent her final months in long-term-care. I knew she was safe there. And Dad called in caregivers to help him, then he moved to senior living.
Let us know what happens next.
DO NOT argue logically. It's futile and frustrating. Your mom has already determined that she doesn't need help and won't move, so arguing about that is pointless. Resist the urge.
It may help to remember when you were five. A lot of times, the answer your mom gave you was "because I say so." That wasn't because there wasn't an explanation, it was because you weren't capable of the higher level cognition needed to understand it. Now the roles have been switched.
You're looking for an easy way out and there isn't one. Even your mom's doctor will probably be of little help. YOU have to do this. Just do it.
If you want, go ahead and fib about the condo association. You can say that they've asked her to move if you think that will help. You've got to get your mom (and her neighbors) safe.
ps – UNPLUG her stove, microwave, and anything else that could potentially set fire to her condo (and her neighbors' condos).
If so, going guardianship route may NOT be what you want to do. Your going to need to put on your big girl panties and use your DPOA and just get mom to move.
Why? Well guardianship is a court- ordered process. My experiences that it's always done in probate court. The judge will want / prefer the guardian to be one who is within his / her jurisdiction. You live 400 miles away. Your atty will need to be pne with close ties to PC as your considered foreign. Judge has a list at the ready of vetted & approved by the court guardians if need be. Judge will appoint one of them to be moms guardian - totally at judges discretion - & once that happens they basically take over.
If at the hearing the neighbor (or better yet his wife) should speak and tell judge that they have been telling you for week, months...that moms got issues.... Well JJ you'd be toast on being guardian, judge would appoint a temporary one from the list. And you'd have to work at getting it to become you at the permanent guardianship hearing.
Really if you want to keep control in all this, you gotta "grrrril-up".
Good luck this week. Let us know what happens
Elder Care lawyers are experts in how to title and organize assets; medical tracking and paperwork to enter NH/AL/Memory Care; all aspects of Medicaid's byzantine documentation requirements; ramifications of moving the parent closer to you; how to re-structure mom's estate after mom is in care.
Elder Care lawyers are expensive, too. Buck up and pay it. If mom needed a new roof or you needed a new car, you wouldn't refuse to do it because it costs more than $200. Gotta take that same mentality on this one. In your situation, an Elder Care lawyer is a necessity.
Finally, although I believe in cleanliness and safety, I really wouldn't want someone up my arse, which is why I personally would never want a condo. I like freedom and privacy
If she happens to own the condo then I don't know if there's much anyone can do short of guardianship. It takes guardianship to force needed changes. If you paid six months in advance on her condo, I would wait until that six months runs out or at least see if you can get a refund. If not, wait until the six months runs out. Then should you choose to stop paying on the condo, you'll probably want to first warn whoever it is that takes rent money. Just explain the situation and see what options may be available including a refund if the six months is not yet done. If you can get a refund on the spot for immediately moving your elder, then see if you can do that. If not, then you'll probably have to let the six months expire. Then at the end of the six months, no more payment. When a lien is put on her condo then comes eviction day. When the sheriff comes around to enforce the eviction, perhaps you can have the neighbor let the sheriff in on the secret and maybe the sheriff can expedite getting the elder some help. I'm sure they probably won't abandon her to live under a bridge, it'll be too obvious that she's a senior, which will require him to call any available senior services for that area and get her some emergency placement after the eviction.
* What you can also do on your part is to call the sheriff ahead of time and tell them the situation and where the problem is happening. Give them a heads up on what you're about to do and why. That way, there are no surprises should your elder speak up and complain later because the sheriff and condo management already know what's going on and why.
* You may not want to go for guardianship, but someone will definitely need to gain guardianship of her. The first people the system will look at is family before a pointing an outsider as her guardian. This is just how it works because the first thing they're going to look for is next of kin. If the next of kin either doesn't want guardianship for their in no position for it or if there happens to be no next of kin, then the state will have to take over and become her guardian.
I don't know if the elder happens to be one of those stubborn types who happened to be stubborn before the memory problems ever started, but if so then she may not comply because the memory problems may worsen things. Usually once a person is already stubborn, they're always stubborn and they'll fight you tooth and nail all the way to the end. I can't say that I really blame them if they are being forced around and it may feel to them like they're being kidnapped and in their minds that may be exactly what they're thinking and they may not understand why on many things including being forced into facilities with strange surroundings
So...update...it's been six months since dad died. Neighbor assistant has finally had enough since his role evolved to next door caretaker with Mom knocking on his door at 2 a.m. asking if it's time for bingo. He reports she is declining and I arrived yesterday. I can see a marked decline in balance and cognitive functioning...but not in her determination to live alone. With neighbor no longer able to assist, this gives me leverage. This will begin as a normal visit and then ease into the we-need-to-live-closer-to-each-other-now-that-we-are-older-and-only-have-each-other talk. Goal is to guide her into a lovely assisted living community in my town. If I can't guide her, then I'll have local authorities come have a talk. Have to force the issue now and it likely will be extremely difficult...since there's no ability to reason on her part. I'll do the best I can as patiently and calmly as possible, but Mom's time of living independently is done. Thank you all for your input. This site is so helpful. I read through it often and have learned a lot. God bless you all.
The HOA or Condo Asso cannot get involved. They have their own strict guidelines to follow as an Association. I know your idea of them telling your Mom it is time to move might sound good, just cannot be done by the HOA.
Stopping payments on HOA monthly dues won't do anything. What the HOA will do is send notices of non-payment, then the HOA would place a lien on Mom's property.
Sadly you will need to do what many of us had to do, and that is to WAIT. Wait for a medical situation where Mom is taken to the hospital, then to Rehab, and then to senior living. My Mom refused to move from her home, and she had a major fall where she finally had to move to long-term-care.
Keep us up-to-date on what is happening.
As for the hint....Mom obsesses about bills so I ensure that all bills are paid. We pay the condo fee six months in advance. She refers to it as "the rent."
So...I was just wondering what options there might be to nudge Mom into a memory care facility where she would enjoy activities and companionship.
As regarding the neighbor who gets no peace, s/he could file a grievance against your mother with the condo association for calling and coming over at all hours but that, of course, would be the end to her making safety checks. It would, however, establish the documentation you may need in the very near future to get your mother to move.