My mother is my father’s POA and I am listed next. APS has asked if I would accept guardianship of my Father 87yrs, as my Mother 83yrs is deemed unsafe. She has 2 substantiated incidents with several other reported calls to APS from caregivers or public situations resulting in police appearance. Her inability to deal with his Sundowners and other related dementia behaviors creates the emotional and physical abuse towards My Father. His response to that abuse is classic fight or flight. He either attempts to leave the house or stops her from hitting him by grabbing her wrist and yelling at her “I will knock your head off”. The pattern is clear, she attempts to change his behavior with arguing, convincing, or yelling, which clearly escalates the situation rather than deescalate which has resulted in physical altercations. She doesn’t even feel like the incidents are a big deal. She states that’s how their relationship always was with a little smile and shrug. There is so much sadness in this situation as my Mother has over the past 4 years refused to attend support groups or speak with a therapist. She has minimal in home caregivers as she doesn’t want to spend the money. She has the money. I was spending 2 days and 1 night per week at their home and bringing freezer meals in order to lessen her stress and hopefully lessen his. That did not curb her verbal emotional abuse towards my Father. Some of it was even directed at me. There is so much stress in her life with attempting to maintain a home and care for a husband with dementia (vascular with Parkinson like symptoms). She is completely burnout. She has taken the path to cure him with supplements rather than attempting to learn and change the way she deals with his behaviors. Which brings me to my question. I have been asked to be a guardian of my father or have one appointed by the courts. I’m leaning towards court appointed mostly because of the tension that all ready exists between my mother and my self. I’m thinking it will only get worse. I’ve asked close friends, who are very familiar with guardian situations, court appointed and family guardian. I will be talking with a guardian lawyer as well to get some basic information. Any thoughts on this would be most appreciative.
You know your family dynamics better than anyone. If you truly believe in your heart of hearts that is in everyone's best interest to go court-appointed, then that's what you do.
There is no "easy" way out of this situation, just a couple of bad choices. Pick the least bad one and don't look back.
I have plan A,B,C most possible outcomes covered to protect both of us.
I watch for stress to make sure I protect myself by having respite every day and weekends and some evenings so I go to take classes, go dancing, go for dinner or listen to music. I need at this point to get away or do opposite as Parkinson alone is awful, sad disease.
As per Parkinson.org
Caregiver Stress
Caregiver stress is when you experience a manageable amount of stress and anxiety related to caregiving. Caregiver stress is, unfortunately, a part of life when caring for someone with a chronic illness such as PD — especially over an extended period.
Caregiver Strain
As stress and anxiety grows to be less manageable, we start calling it caregiver strain. You have reached this stage when the stress and anxiety begin to impact your ability to care for your loved one.
Caregiver strain is the perception of persistent problems and a feeling of decreased well-being that results from providing prolonged care, according to the Modified Caregiver Strain Index (a screening tool used to measure caregiver strain). This can look like forgetting more tasks than usual, feeling too fatigued to take care of yourself outside of your care duties or becoming more easily frustrated with your loved one.
Care partners can experience caregiver strain for short or long periods of time without realizing it. It is important to you have someone in your life who you can talk to when you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed about caregiving. It is in times like these that having a secondary care partner can be helpful — you can take a break while someone else helps care for your loved one.
Caregiver Burnout
Unaddressed caregiver strain progresses into caregiver burnout. Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that may include a change in attitude, from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able, physically or financially.
If you feel completely overwhelmed and checked out of your day-to-day tasks you are likely experiencing caregiver burnout. In this state, a care partner is unable to give their loved one the emotional or physical support they need.
Caregiver burnout symptoms can include:
Extreme fatigue unrelated to sleep
Unusual frustration and anger
Feeling “cloudy” or “foggy.” Often dismissed as age-related change, this can occur as a result of carrying too much responsibility and/or anxiety
Other physical symptoms may manifest as a result of emotional stress.
I believe your mother is experiencing severe caregiver burnout, she needs help.
Although nice gesture for you to bring meals, etc. but it is deeper problem. And as I said several times, never judge caregivers unless you do it for 2-5 years.
The only solution is for Dad to go to facility.
They will remove dad from the abuse, that's what this is all about but, they could leave your mom struggling to make ends meet if it's not handled by a good attorney.
Do KNOW however, that once you accept this you can only resign the duty through a court Judge, and few will let you, EVEN IF YOU ARE ILL.
If you choose not to, the APS will now refer this for Guardianship of the State and it will all get done without you and with or without your input of permission. You would have no say in the placement and etc. The estate would be managed without your input.
I myself was Trustee of Trust and POA for a very methodical and well-
organized brother. It was still a nightmare to get everything done. I was once on the phone for almost an entire day with Spectrum when they mistakenly took the phone out of his cottage when they meant to take it out of the cottage of another senior. I kind you not. From 10:30 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. I worked calling I cannot tell you how many people in how many countries from my home in S.F., CA to get this fixed in SoCal.
You know yourself, the circumstances, the amount of money you will have to work with in this estate, and the level of cooperation you can expect, so this is your decision, but the first year of getting this done will be an anxiety-provoking nightmare I think you cannot fully envision. I warn you only to help you know that and I surely do, from the bottom of my heart, wish you good luck.
I would stay away from a court appointed guardian.
When talking to the attorney make sure you discuss when and what needs to happen to gain POA in medical and financial of course for your father now , but also for your mother in the near future.
Kudos to you for stepping up and being a great daughter or son.
I wish you the best for your parents and you.
Guardianship is costly and ties you to this situation. For possibly years. Who knows how long?
Take over POA and make the tough decisions that are best for them. And consult an elder law attorney who can go over state laws..how - to, etc do you understand the intricacies.
"Been there done that".
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