Mom had serious cognitive difficulties, likely Alzheimers. Dad is 73, has Parkinson's, but is still mentally pretty good. On a good day, mom does well enough in her routine that she could fool a stranger, but she has 'manic' episodes, particularly when she hasn't slept, when she loses all ability to be rational. She has a poor grasp of time, dates and place, and no ability to consistently follow instructions, like in taking meds. He does all of the planning, organizing, scheduling, reminding, for her.
They retired to a resort area when health was good, and are 2+ hours away from the closest of their 4 kids. We, the siblings, are all in agreement that the time has come for them to be near, within a few minutes, of one of us. We worry about his health as much as hers, because he should keep his stress level down because of the Parkinsons. Last week, I had to call security at their community to go check on them after she called my brother sobbing while driving around (yes, we know she should not be driving, but we cant convince dad to take the keys from her yet either) with some delusional story that he tried to kill her, or himself, and he wasn't answering the phone in the house. During the immediate crisis, both agreed they needed to move, but once things calmed back down, she forgot, and he fell straight back into saying they are "handling things".
We have offered to help as much as they want to make the move easy on them. We will pay the cost for the move. We've shown them apartments, 55+ apartments, and independent living communities in three different states. They refuse. Dad insists they are not ready yet, and that they are fine most of the time. We insist that he needs to plan for the bad days, as they will only get more frequent.
My question is, since Dad is still OK, what can we do to convince him that they need to move NOW. If it was just Mom, we would make the choice for her. But taking the choice away from Dad, an otherwise competent adult? Is there a way to get social services involved without him hating us? Any one else deal with something similar? We are out of ideas! We feel like it is going to take something tragic happening to make him realize the time is NOW!
There are a few things that you might want to consider.
Your Dad may not be really "mentally pretty good" it seems like he is making poor decisions about your Mom. Allowing her to drive is a major one. Not realizing that your Mom needs more care and supervision is another. Many people can, for a brief time, put on a good front that they are doing well. I bet if you press him during a phone call he may become agitated, change the subject or try to deflect conversation in another way.
If they do not want to move from the area where they currently are it might be time for you or another sibling to take a vacation and check out Assisted Living/ Memory Care facilities where they currently live. This way they will still be in the same area, same friends. (but they will loose friends as many will not come visit) And a move where they are now may result in a move in a year or two if you want to bring them closer as both decline.
But it does sound like your Dad needs to be evaluated a bit as well. Dementia is common with Parkinson's and the type of dementia needs to be properly diagnosed.
One thing to mention, this is not a longtime home for them. They have been there about 6 years, and have few connections in the area, and made few friends before she started to deteriorate. She doesn't really connect one to one anymore. I had to call security to check on them because I don't have a single phone number for a friend or neighbor still living there, none!
We have had doctors tell them it's time to move, both hers, as well as his neurologist. Dad will agree, then not act. Sometimes, I think he's just overwhelmed.
We all 4 siblings support as we can. We range in age from 40 to 51, so are still very much busy working and with families of our own, but my kids will all be college age this fall so I will have more freedom. I strongly believe mom should never be alone for more than a few hours, so we coordinate when dad needs a break, or when he flew to visit his own mom, who is 98! In the kast 6 months,I've flown out twice, I've sent each of my daughters out, my two brothers have flown in, and my sister who is only a few hours away sees them about onice a month. They also spent 3 weeks visiting us. So they are getting help from all of us at least every other week. But it gets tiring to keep it up!
I would like to hire help, but I'm not sure how to introduce it. What she needs is a 'friend' who is aware of her mental status, and can take her out to lunch, shopping, etc so my dad can get some mental rest. It's exhausting mentally to answer her same questions again and again.
Lots to think about, thank you all again! It's just so helpful to feel others are out there in the same boat.
It's not easy but keep the faith, you will find the best resolution for your family. Keep talking, that's the most important thing. Good luck !!!
God Bless You!
Plus elders have been YOUR parents all their lives so they think you "taking over" their decisions about where to live is wrong and upsetting the order of how the world works.
Would you or your siblings be willing to leave your jobs and pack up and move to be near them? Most likely not. I lived near my Mom and my brother lived with her. My other sister (who lived closer to Mom than me) rarely visited or checked in on her. We knew we could never convince her to leave her home of 50 years, so as she aged and got more frail (yes, occasionally falling), the last 10 years I lived by the phone waiting for "the call". The call finally came at age 86. She stood up from the sofa, wobbled and went down, not even taking a step. She broke her leg. That was the beginning of the end. Surgery and then rehab in a nursing home brought on a stroke. The poor thing didn't last 3 months.
My advice is this. Get your siblings together to discuss a plan of action. Then ALL of you make a visit to Mom and Dad TOGETHER to plead your case for their safety. Do not dictate to them. Ask them their thoughts. It's a difficult conversation to have with our parents and often it's many conversations. Remember to always speak to them keeping their point of view in mind.
This journey with my parent's and in-laws have given me great pause and insight as to how I want to live out my twilight years and to discuss with my children NOW what my wishes are to keep me safe.
Goodchild ---wish I had the magic answer. When my MIL needed housekeeping services, one son/DIL gave her 6 months of housekeeping as a Christmas gift. By the end of that time frame, she just continued it herself. (Though she didn't need it before that according to her!) If any of you or your sibs have children, can you play on that element? Meanwhile, how much support are you and your sibs currently giving? If a lot (visits etc) what happens when that exhausts you? Can you hire a geriatric manager to assess things? They come into the home for a few hours and then make recommendations. Sometimes, an independent/honest review of things can take the 'kids' out of the equation.
Things have changed since our elders watched their parents age in place. The children are scattered and working full time. Very few stay at home Moms to pitch in. Good luck and please keep us posted.
It works for us and for now keeps our children happy.
I remember bringing them a brochure on a really fantastic place for 55+, and they said no, maybe in a couple of years. HELLO, my folks were already in their mid-to-late 90's. Guess I would need to wait until they are 100 before they would do anything :P And to top it off, Mom refused caregivers.
I had to wait until there was a serious fall by my Mom, and even that didn't change her mind. Then when there was a second more serious fall, my Mom had to move to long-term-care due to her brain injury. Dad always thought Mom would come home, so in the mean time he accepted having professional caregivers come in to help him. Then eventually he moved to senior living, and enjoyed the place, especially the food.
Such a sad situation. Yes, the time is NOW, then that way your Mom would still be able to learn her way around an Independent Living facility... some have some really nice apartments with options for higher care. Plus learn the Staff, and be able to meet some new friends.
It's hard to convince parents to change their ways. I found that my parents still viewed me as a kid, and what would I know :P Heck, I was a senior myself. Sure that must happen with other families. Are there any people that your parents would actually listen to? Like their family doctor, someone at the church/temple, a really good friend, a sibling?
Otherwise, sit and wait for the phone to ring... I use to go into sheer panic.