My brother lives with and cares for my mother who is 71, disabled, and has multiple health problems. He is overwhelmed and is afraid of his future due to the fact he is unemployed and can't leave Mom by herself. She refuses to have anyone come to the house to help out. I live about 6 hours away and drive there every couple of months to give him a break, but it isn't enough. (I have two young children and a full time job, so I'm limited to the amount of time I can visit). We both want her to be able to stay at home and have someone come to help with light household chores and be there so that he could at least find a part time job. It would be healthy for them both, but she won't discuss getting outside help. She spent most of last year in a local nursing home and it was a bad experience. She had adequate care, but the conditions were less than clean and very depressing. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to talk to her about this, and if anyone knows of a way for my brother to get financial help.
Even if you did live nearby, there is not much you could really do with working full time as well with two children at home. What does your husband think of this chaotic drama?
Would it be possible to get your brother online here? Has he tried to have a serious face to face conversation with his mom.?
It might be a good idea to have someone like a home health nurse to come in and do an evaluation of your mother's health and living situation because it does not sound healthy with her level of need and your brother's burn out.
How in the world did you manage to get your mom in the nursing home in the first place? I think your brother needs more than a part time job. That will not help with preparing for retirement and will not provide him any benefits.
The problem is that you and your brother are still allowing her to dictate the terms of her care. Beggars can't be choosers. She knows he's overwhelmed and is fretting over where he is and is going to be financially in the near future.
Let her know she has three choices: (1) go back to a NH; (2) accept outside help and be grateful for it; or (3) take care of herself. Your brother has done more than enough, and you're doing everything you can.
Good luck my Sister, and to your brother a heartfelt "THANK YOU."
-- Ed
Without $, yr mom would also suffer together with yr brother. :( Take care.
BEFORE discussing these 'suggestions' with "Mom" you will have to do some research. It's not a question of whether "she" needs help but that "HE (brother)" needs help. Once you have done some research you will know what is available BEFORE you try anything. No point in talking to Mom about getting a granny-nanny if it is OUT of the budget.
1. Find out what services are available AND affordable in their area. If money is tight, talk to church groups and social services about how they can help. If your father was a veteran, Mom could very well be eligible for Aid and Attendance benefits from the Veteran's Adm. See if she is eligible by looking at this website: http://www.veteranaid.org/
2. Make her doctor aware of the challenge here. Perhaps she would take to 'someone else coming in and helping out, if its "What the doctor ordered!!" After all, as everyone else has stated (and I agree) if something happens to brother, how will she get along? Our elders seem to listen to DOCTORs quicker than 'family'.
3. If the budget isn't there, and Mom is not eligible for special government programs, you STILL need to find respise for your brother. If you and your brother are truly the only 'family' in the area, it will be a bit harder, but not impossible. Cousins, aunts and uncles. even FRIENDS should be encouraged to start CALLING your mother more often, then suggest they offer to bring by tea and cookies, or whatever she likes. She is becoming more reclusive which is understandable as we age.
4. Tell her your brother "WON" some contest and they will receive "whatever kind of help you were able to secure in step one" for "X" number of times. Explain to the service/people that will be coming in, that they should come in as "a friend of brothers" and NOT just to help her. If she is feeling badly about her condition it will take the focus OFF her and onto your brother. Just do it slowly.
I am sure many others will provide additional suggestions, and you should try them all! You can see where I am going with this. You have to SHIFT the focus off her, and make it a 'repair man that is visiting, or a 'female friend' coming to call, or a long lost high school friend to visit "brother".
God bless and get the help that he needs, or it will get MUCH worse.
First, what a parent wants and what they need are often two different things. Try to explain how serious the situation is with your brother. Limit her chocies: either getting some in-home help, or choosing a facility. (are ALFs out of the question? more of them are doing "tiered" care now.)
The bottom line is that your brother is burned out. Find a reputable company who will "match" the needs of your Mom's household. I did this and the manager even brought the caregiver to introduce her to Mom. Since then she has had 3 different caregivers who come in once or twice a week and she loves them. Gives me a little break too!
I'm sorry, but no one gets everything they want in life. Hiring a caregiver half days so that your brother can get back to work, is not unreasonable.