How do you convince your Mom that it's no longer safe or healthy to go back home from a nursing/rehab to my Dad with dementia?
Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that you provide us with the strength & patience to know how to handle my ailing mother in law being forced to go back home with my elderly father in law who has dementia after being in a nursing/ rehab from many complications from diabetes, renal failure and Parkinson's disease. She's allowed to remain in the nursing facility up to 100 days paid by Medicare but because this is an ongoing occurrence and she had been in there from August through October and then had to return around Christmas, she used up her 100 days very quickly this time mainly because the 100 days apparently doesn't begin again until I believe you have been out for 60 days and then have another hospital stay. She can't walk or get around at all and needs total skilled nursing and they aren't unwilling to really pay for much help for lack of financial planning. It has really become a burden on my husband, his brother, my sister in law and myself over the past 4 years the most but it all truly began 14 years when she had quadruple by-pass surgery. She has never maintained her disease and now it has become all of our burdens and heartaches to deal with. It is causing great stress in my marriage and has caused us to place our lives on hold. Please provide us with the strength, patience, courage & wisdom to be able to do what is best for both of my in laws even if it means backing away and allowing the state to take over because they refuse to have us help them and believe that they can handle things on their own until my mother in law falls and then it's a crisis & demand that we rush to them. Each time they call 911 it's recorded & eventually APS (adult protective services is contacted) They even recently requested that my husband quit his job and we both move in so that they don't have to pay for anyone. He had to tough love it and tell them no because we have responsibilities of our own such as a mortgage and can not afford to do that. Then my mother in law proceeds on calling my husband inconsiderate when we have been at their beck and call for years now. We have tired to get the ball rolling on Wills, Trusts, POA's and assistance and they say they will think about it. Nothing ever happens. It's now been 4 years that this has been going on and we are at our wits ends and don't know where to turn. Lord please provide us with that is needed to do what is best for them as we really don't want to just turn away but with them not allowing us to assist them really, what choice are they giving us. We are not legal guardians and we do not care to be. I ask this is your heavenly name Lord.
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Some people do get more obstinate and more demanding as they age. Some of it is probably based on lifetime habits or views, other times possibly by health issues. Things like malnutrition can affect the way we think as we get older, for example. I'm not suggesting that's the case, just saying there are many reasons that people become unreasonable.
Just knowing this probably doesn't make you feel better. But it will hopefully put it into perspective. We can feel bad all we want, try as hard as we can, but we can't force people to do things. And, ruining your own life over it won't make them grateful. When people are stressed and/or just not thinking straight, whether it's emotional or medical, they will not behave in a reasonable manner. Thus, logic is not going to work, doing what they want isn't going to work, blaming yourself isn't going to work.
Do your best. It's a shallow thing to say to you, I know, but I hope by hearing it multiple times from many in this group that it will help you sit back and give yourself at least a tiny, little moment of peace about this. Some days, that tiny moment is all we get (if we even get that).
I highly recommend that you enlist their help for a public guardian. That way, when mthr runs out of funds in the NH later in life, the shortfall is handled by the state and not by you. They work with Medicaid and all the safety net programs all the time, and will always be able to. For you to do that would mean time from your family.
You remember Paul's words, "if a man will not work, he shall not eat." This is talking about logical consequences of actions. Rephrased, if she's not going to work with you, then she's not going to have you all to push around. It's a logical consequence. You can love her better if someone else is telling her what to do. God bless.
If your in laws have a close personal friend, lawyer, preacher, anyone other than you "kids" perhaps they could make them move on the will, trust and POA where you are unable to. When they are spoken to a lot of people should not be around, and it should be a low key conversation. Without DPOA there is actually nothing you can basically force them to do and you may have to back off as everyone has said. I know this is easier said than done. Have a conversation with your spouse and tell them how much you love them and make a vow between you two that NOTHING WILL COME BETWEEN YOU, THAT YOU WILL WORK TOGETHER ON THIS AND WALK AWAY IF NEED BE TO SAVE YOURSELVES AND YOUR MARRIAGE. This can and does break up marriages every single day.
In my office we use to have a sign that read, "A lack of prior planning on YOUR part, does not constitute an emergency on MY part." Perhaps this statement is true in many circumstances.
God Bless you and your family. May God grant you peace.
So, I stepped in and hired an attorney and got a DPOA put together for both my sister and myself since we were the ones that were the ones that were responding to any emergencies that would happen. We were also the only ones visiting and helping. We both convinced our mother and father that having a DPOA in place was the best thing for them both.
We had to take my father, in his pajamas to the bank, with our mother, and have the paperwork notarized.
We changed the deed on the house to just my mother’s name, we got only him qualified for Medicaid, and after 3 months my father was able to go home. He qualified for 4 hours of care each day and a caregiver came in to help with his showering, bedding and the cleaning of his room. We ended up having to hire the same woman for 4 hours in the evening (at a rate of $10/hour) so that she could help assist my mother in the setting up of his feeding tube and the crushing of his medications to be put in his feeding tube.
He ended up surviving at home for another year.
My parents are very stubborn people and fought tooth and nail to stay in their home and we did the best we could. After my father passed away last year my mother was in the middle stages of dementia and we had to trick her into leaving her home. She is on a permanent vacation at my home now.
It’s been a very tough 6 years for me. My siblings rarely help with the financials, care, or decisions and still figure that what will be will be.
It sounds as though your husband’s siblings are involved to a certain extent.
Discuss all of this with them and see if there is a solution for your MIL.
In the next few months I will be going through the qualification process for my mother for Medicaid so that we can get her into a memory care facility.
Would I have stepped in and done all of this all over again. Probably. Was it easy, no.
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